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Last nite i slept fitfully but woke up in panic. It seems to ne my new regular response. Ive spoken to.H about me moving in with a friend while we get financials in order. . Hes working with the bank. I said i would want him to agree to.a custody arrangement he said of course it just breaks my heart that you snd Em wont see each other everyday. . That we wont all be a family. That sickens me too. My heart breaks at the thought. How do i do.thid next strp, hoe do we tell her. . What do we do. .
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
TOC, Alanon suggest that we do not project and that we take the next right action and leave the results to HP. Your daughter knows what is going on and it will not surprise her that you are moving out . You can simply state the truth, that daddy and you are separating for a time and you will see what happens in the future.
As far as custody arrangements-- what ever works out- you will handle. If you are not with your daughter for a few days, you can increase your alanon meetings and get some much needed rest. Time will tell how it will all work out- One moment a a time Positive thoughts on the way
TOC - I agree with Betty - staying in the moment/day truly helps me stay focused on what to do next, and sometimes it is as easy as prayer/meditation. Prayers and Positive thoughts are on the way from me too.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
When divorce occurs or separation that does not eradicate the family. I would stop using labels and terms that only make you feel worse and that will just upset your daughter more. Her father is already doing that. She still has a family regardless of separation. Just reassure her that you love her and do the next right thing.
It was killing you more when your husband had the chance to be with your daughter daily, but instead choose to be out drinking and cheating....and when he was home he would start screaming fights.
**I do want to clarify. In alanon people don't give advice or suggestion to leave relationships, except in the case of domestic violence. I do see your relationship as having domestic violence. Especially when your AH says things like "I'm going to tell your daughter how you want to tear the family apart" and things like that. That is domestic abuse - it is about power and manipulation and I think that is why most of us have been a little more encouraging for you to follow through on your original boundaries TOC. I would encourage you to talk to domestic violence counselors of some sort.
I agree with Pinkchip here: protecting ourselves and our children from abuse, including verbal abuse is vital. One day at time at this point. I understand where you are at and I've been there myself. You will get through this and so will your daughter!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Let me ask. . I have indicated i want to.move out but that i wont do so until we have an agreement about our daughter. Im thinkinhmg a 4/3/4/3 type split trying to.accomodate my hearache and her need tobe with both of us. Im not sure its the greatest but my ah will agree to much else. . So im trying to wisely be cooperative. . If we come to an agreement and write it out and tell her. . Does it need to be some formal document?how formal? Amd how do we then tel her? Husb is working finangle to get me offmortgage and pay bown prinicpke to get my name off. . But it takes time. . Hes being cooperative today. . But im leary. . Thank you all
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I do believe that attempting to work out shared custody is a difficult process and requires an expert to negotiate. I would not attempt to do this alone nor state that I was not moving out until the arrangement was finalized Remember you are dealing with the insanity of alcoholism
I would get it in writing in a formal document. You never know when/if your AH will go back on what is agreed upon because what you have mentioned on posts I see this as a very real possibility. Have you thuoght any further on going to get some legal advice from an attorney. You don't have to let him know you have done this but I would think you would want to know all of your options and it may help to clear up some of the questions you have and lessen your stress.
I agree - don't do it yourself. For one thing, your H (who is not thinking sanely) can delay things indefinitely by refusing whatever you propose. And he is volatile and if you could have reached an agreement with his insane thinking about anything peacefully, you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
What the vast majority of people do is to move out and then to work out a custody agreement with the help of a lawyer and/or a professional mediator. Some courts provide time with a professional mediator for free.
Your daughter may well feel anxious at this time of transition, but once you have moved out, she may also notice (even be surprised at? or maybe not) the new peace and calm in your home. Many parents worry about the effect of a separation on their children. But many children are very relieved to have no more chaos and insanity in their daily lives. For them "family" was a tough situation. No need to project ahead. Just "do the next right thing."
I belueve seperate residences is a must sooner rather than.later. Im struggling work.wuth the beast i know or just run for the hills. . I know what i would LIKE to do. .
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I am a huge believer in the use of any/all outside resources you can find. Mediator, Lawyer, Counselor, etc. as they way I 'see it' both sides are trying to make decisions with emotions vs. facts. In my experience, when I make decisions in an overly emotional state, they don't often align with logical actions and thinking when I am more clear-minded.
If the two adults in this were able to communicate effectively, there wouldn't be a need for distance. I am one who doesn't assign blame in a split - I believe both parties/all parties play a part.
The program suggests that we Al-Anoner's are as sick as the alcoholic when not working recovery. Based on what I'm reading and seeing, my only recommendation would be to get any/all non-biased support available. Every state has different laws regarding 'abandonment' of property, children, etc. - I would hate to see a decision made based on forum responses that ends up making everything worse/more stressful at a later date.
(((Hugs))) and prayers TOC.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Are you having daily contact with your sponsor and is your sponsor aware of where you are at and what you think will work for you. We do not give advise for a reason and must not. Your situation is not ours and we have done and not done actions which may not work for you AND your alcoholic husband and your child. We could make things worse. Sponsorship was powerful for me in this situation and I will only state what worked for me. (((((hugs)))))
Hi Ocean, Im sorry your going through this. Its a painful road we walk. You sound upset and sometimes we make decisions in panic mode and its not based on rational thought processes. If your thinking of taking a break at your friends then maybe you just tell your daughter that. Nothing too heavy for now. Give yourself time for some self care and let it go for a while. Take some time and space then your choices will be clearer and your decisions will be more likely to be the right ones for you and your child. Attending meetings will get you the right kind of support, unbiased and non judgemental, based on true understanding from people who have walked in your shoes.
