The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello wonderful community of alanon friends ~ I have been in the alanon program for about 4 years now and I have faithfully went to meetings and worked my program. I have done the steps once. I do not currently have a sponsor. My reason for writing today is that I have really been struggling with Anxiety for years. Growing up in an alcoholic home and living with dysfunction of my mother who was not mentally well really impacted me so much. I am a very very sensitive emotional person who is also an empath. I have this problem to where I seem to ruminate of my fears. I will literally look for something to be afraid of. It is usually something that has to do with losing someone. I have continued to push my husband away emotionally because I have a fear of rejection and so I look for things in him that bother me but I really feel like this is because if I push him away first then he can't leave me. My whole life has been a process of losing people. I have pretty much went no contact with my family of origin because it is very unhealthy for me to be around them much at all. I have been having some PTSD flashbacks as well. I wanted to come here because I know it is a safe place for me to reach out and get support. I appreciate all of you here and would love to hear if any of you have any experience strength and hope you can share with me. I want to live outside of my head and get away from all my anxiety. I know I have so much going for me but I feel stuck. How can the program help me? I must be not doing something right.
I don't have any experience in your situation, but didn't want to leave you hanging. There is nothing wrong with working through the steps again. Also, I would be lost without my sponsor as she is so aware of my strengths and weaknesses that she considers those when we talk. She knows my fears as well and gently nudges me to do new/different things so I experience anything and everything I can.
I applaud your self-assessment as well as your honest share and reaching out here for ESH. My hope is another/others have more to add/share with you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome H4E to MIP and applaud you as well that you recognize and are trying to come to terms with your fears and anxieties. I would, like IAM recommend that you rework the 12-steps with honesty and clarity, as well as obtaining a sponsor from your f2f meetings. When I spend to much time in fear and anxiety is it usual because I am dwelling to much on the past and future and not focusing on the present, which is a mainstay thought process in Al-anon. Keep coming back to talk with us, because you are not alone.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 12:56:33 PM
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hi Hope. Like you, I grew up with alcoholism and one of the lifelong shadows its cast has,been anxiety. I was very fortunate at 22 years old to meet a woman who devoted her life and career to helping those affected by addiction, using both alanon and the 12 steps as well as specialised counselling based on life experience and training. During those sessions, my anxiety was at a 9 or 10 most days of my life, and id probably been living like that for a good 14 years. First thing from your post, about doing alanon wrong. You are not doing anything wrong based on presence of anxiety. It will most likely always be a part of your personality, but its something that can be managed. Like asthma or eczema. Acceptance in alanon is a tool that could well apply here. Accepting that you feel anxiety and then identifying what triggers it and where it comes from. For me, I grew up with disaster around the corner on what was a very winding road. So learning to expect the worst became my normal. Flight or fight mode became my neutral state. I'm still brilliant in a crisis to this day, and am often seen as very calm. This is one positive I take from the negative, so acceptance is not just a means of self punishment if you get what I mean. Anyway, after years of learning to exist in survival mode, it is incredibly difficult to shift gears when we become adults. Anxiety is simply a part of flight or fight mode, and its a matter of moving from survival to living. Today, I can say, my anxiety is in remission. It flares up from time to time, but for the most part, I'm no longer in survival mode. Eating is important. Hunger fuels anxiety. When something genuinely stressful pops up, I make sure to eat something even I its just soup. Recognising the people places and things that cause me anxiety and either avoiding them or handing them over to hp. Accepting that I am not in control of the world and being grateful for that fact. Sometimes, life just happens, regardless of how we fight against it. Accepting that I suffer from anxiety, but also knowing that I am now able to manage it, by being in the now. The past is gone, the future will happen, today is where I can make choices that cherish and uplift me. Be gentle with yourself, and keep on keeping on.
Oh and on pushing people away: It can be a form of self sabotage. Its our maladaptive way of attempting to deal with a sense of powerlessness, by using control. I'll just flick you on, before you have a chance to hurt me, ill get in first, so it hurts less. Oh dear, the web we weave! Ive done that too. And many other forms of self sabotage too, the underlying logic being nothing good ever lasts, better kill it off before I get attached to it. Jobs, friendships,relationships, mostly things that bought me joy. Becoming aware of your own modus operandi, and asking your motivations towards yourself before acting. Reassuring yourself you do indeed deserve happiness and trusting that life is on its terms, good,bad, happy,sad, its all a wheel that turns, and you are capable of meeting life as it arises. And on that note, ill slip away now. Lots of hugs.
