The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a 25 years old son. For the last 4 years or so he has become very withdrawn, he smokes canabis, he holds a full time job, to me he has completely gone there is nothing there. At times there is an odd moment when he is his old self. He has no friends, his only friend has just gone to universiy. Today when putting his clean laundry in his room I saw two empty vodka bottle and half a bottle of whisky on the floor by his bed. I looked in his wardrobe and on the shelf there are 19 empty vodka and jaggermaster bottles. He never goes out, only to work. He never appears drunk, he spends his time on his computer, He goes to bed at 8.30 to 9, however he is up and down to the bathroom frequently. I have recently paid for him to have counselling as there are issues that I believe he needed to deal with in a safe enviroment, he has now stopped this. I have discussed his apparent depression with the GP as well as the canabis smoking and he wants to see him however I can't get him to agree to go as he does not want to go on medication(we have a strong family history of depression). At the moment I feel totally numb and have no idea how to deal with this.
Good to see you're reaching out for help. Tough situation you're in. Alcoholism/Addiction is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease. It's progressive in nature and sometimes isolates the individual as you've seen. You've tried to help him, to now avail. That the frustrating part of the disease. We are powerless of other people, places and things. Recovery only happens when the sufferer is ready, willing and able to seek it. That usually is preceded by a period of pain(physical or emotional). I learned here in Alanon that we(family) are the last people who can help the sufferer until they're ready. We're to close(emotionally). This is where we have to detach with love and let the sufferer continue on HIS journey. Let go and Let God.
The biggest thing you can do is to get help for YOU. By working on you, you'll be better able to handle these situations and learn how to take care of the only person you have power over- YOU. Alanon can assist with the tools, steps and fellowship to shift the focus off him and put it back on you. You can also come here and post, read and reply. There's a lot of wisdom on this forum.
Welcome Sharee, to MIP and glad you found us and shared your worries. Mike B gave you the best advice. You would find the answers, peace and support that you need to focus on yourself during this difficult period concerning your son. Finding a local Al-anon meeting, working the 12- step program, learning the slogan and prayers would be a great help for you at this time and going forward. Please keep coming back to talk with us because you are not alone. http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I too welcome you to MIP....Glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share.
I have two sons who are both alcoholics/addicts. The disease is very cunning, confusing and powerful. Both of mine also have some depression, but I honestly don't know what came first - the depression followed by self-medicating or the substance use followed by depression. I don't bother to ask as the answer changes based on their frame of mind at the point of question.
I have cried, begged, pleaded, ordered, and then rinse/repeat many many times for them to find/get recovery/assistance. Until they are ready and the pain is great enough, they will only do what is the minimum necessary to 'get me off their back'.
Mine no longer live in my home as they are adults (23 & 21) and needed to travel their journey elsewhere. I could no longer watch them self-destruct. It is through the Al-Anon program that I learned to find peace and joy no matter what they are or are not doing. I also learned about enabling and detaching, two concepts that are often included within the family of the diseased.
Debb has given you a link to find local meetings. Up to the top left is the meeting schedule for online meetings here as well as the link to the meeting/chat room. You are not alone and we are all just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
At 25, why does he need someone to do his laundry and make all his appointments. Your son seems capable of getting weed and alcohol for himself. He can find recovery for himself too. What are the consequences of his using and drinking now? How much are you stopping him from experiencing those consequences? That may as be something to address in alanon. Sounds to me like he has the life of a sulky 17 year old in your home.
