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AH and I are hosting a group of 13 for Thanksgiving this year and I am very excited, I love Thanksgiving and I am happy to have a lot of family travel from far to be at our house for the holiday.
People are starting to ask what they can bring to help out and the alcohol I know people will bring makes me very nervous. My AH is active, and not in any state of recovery but can sometimes abstain for 24 hours or so if the triggers aren't there. My hope is that he will be able to control his disease for the day so he isn't disruptive that day with all the people around.
Last year we had only his mother for dinner and he could barely speak a coherent sentence by the time dinner was served. He then decided to go out with "friends" leaving me with a mess and an infant to put to bed. I was devastated. I sat crying until I finally feel asleep. The good news is, this year my head is in a different place. If he acts the exact same way this year, I know it will affect me less. I am not sure I could get away unaffected, but defiantly not devastated like before.
My question for you guys is, what do you do about the guests and the booze? Everyone attending the dinner knows about my husband's struggle and if I said "please no alcohol" I know everyone would respect that, but I also don't want to be the booze police for responsible grown adults. Plus, I could go to all the trouble to try to make it a dry Thanksgiving and my husband would run out and drop $200 at the liquor store that morning. I keep hearing in my head "he's gonna do what he's gonna do, what are you gonna do?" If I am to answer that question. I just do my thing, I have a glass of wine with my sister at dinner, I enjoy the cooking and laughs. I should live and let live....ahh easier typed than done!
CoopsMom - Holidays are difficult for those who are in recovery. Since he is not in recovery, it's almost easier as there's no relapse drama that can happen and be a surprise. I guess, my point is he is going to do what he is going to do. If he drinks, he drinks. If he doesn't, he doesn't. There is no planning/preparation that will affect that - no matter what fears you may have.
I love that you're already applying program thinking. Another thought I have in these situations is what can I do to keep my peace and enjoy myself. At times, that means sitting in a different seat or whatever might change things up. I also try to keep in my mind that this is a program (and life) of progress, not perfection. We tend to want Norman Rockwell for our holidays, and in my world, often end up more like The Simpsons. Embrace the moment, embrace the company and let God take care of the rest.
I have allowed this disease to change my view of the holidays. I dreaded them for a long while, but have come to a balanced place of "it's just another day" - one blessed with extended family/friends. Certainly try to do your best to stay in each day vs. projecting forward. We still got to get through Halloween first!!
(((Hugs))) to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think you have the right attitude. You know you cannot control it. It seems like a good idea to let Thanksgiving play out however it will, and then plan from there. The slogans, the 3 Cs, will be helpful. You can say them to yourself throughout the day.
Your share brought up my last year's Thanksgiving. My late AH drank and was ill, but the food and guests were wonderful. However his choice to drink was traumatic for me. I made a vow to myself that day that I would not go through Thanksgiving again.
This year I am taking a leave of absence from the holiday. I"ve booked a mini vacation at a place I like to go to. My adult kids will have their own Thanksgiving, and I am so happy to see them taking charge and having their own good time. Even though my AH is no longer with us, I would have kepr this promise to myself in any case.
Best wishes on using your tools and making Thanksgiving a day YOU will be thankful for.
I personally would not ban alcohol at a family gathering because of my AH. It
would seem to me that it would place me in a position of trying to control AH
and everyone else, and that is not what I would want for myself. It is only one
day and I would not want to control it for everyone involved.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I don't ban it either. I also don't provide it. I provide a great celebration. I don't hang with those who get legless. With many people in the house, there are many who are conscious and I enjoy spending time with them.
I hope your holiday is good.
I find the serenity prayer helpful as I prepare for the event. It keeps me in the now and helps me focus on my meaning of the holiday.
I would try to stop worrying about it and if he gets drunk as hell, it's not like everyone doesn't know the reason why. He may embarrass himself, but you ARE permitted to not feel it because of him or for him. Have a back up plan if he becomes disruptive though maybe.
These are thoughts I've had many times. Holidays can be rough, and even when they turn out nice, they're full of triggers of not-so-nice times for me. Iamhere's comment that it's "just another day" is important for me to remember.
My H has some sober holidays, some with controlled, moderate drinking, and some where there is no visible alcohol but he comes out stumbling and slurring trying to hand the kids their Christmas stockings because he's been sneaking vodka mini bottles in his own socks! For a few years we quit having people over - our families of origin are triggers too - and it's been more peaceful. Now that I've spent more time focusing on my own recovery and learning the Al-Anon tools though, I could probably handle things a lot better since I don't cover up for him anymore. I no longer worry (as much) that everyone will think less of ME because my H is drunk.
I had to laugh at the Norman Rockwell comment too - nobody REALLY lives like that, do they? I find it best to stay away from Facebook on those occasions, because it's such a downer to think everyone else is having this picturesque holiday (when in fact, I bet they aren't! "Everyone you meet is going through a struggle you know nothing about...")
Thanks for bringing up Thanksgiving ... A reminder to me that I need to keep myself peaceful and enjoy the people I'm with, regardless of what H does. Enjoy your holiday!
Thank you everyone for your insight. I am looking forward to it more now. There is so much comfort in knowing that you all know exactly what this is like, it helps to not feel alone! There is no way to know how it will go, so I will do my best to have my tools ready in case I need to respond to a situation. Thank you Pinkchip, if he embarrasses himself, he will be doing just that. I will not feel that pain for him, its actually more loving of me to let him feel it in full.
A wise person told me here "the last sentence of our venting often holds the answer" :) and i think the last sentence of your first post does. We all definitely understand why you are feeling so unsure.
I so understand your predicament. In my experience I have avoided the embarrassment and unease by making my holiday very tiny (like his world) and not inviting anyone except the kids and grandkids. This means I do all the work and he gets drunk. I don't rely on him for anything because it won't get done. I am not so out of touch with reality to envision a Norman Rockwell, but I would love a peaceful, laughter filled day with my family. I am dusting off my Alanon program and getting ready to apply the principles!!
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
I understand the sentiments expressed but my reality was that my A could definitely spoil a nice time for both me/my familt snd guests.
At one get together, my drunk A, who was the BBQ cook, served raw grilled food onto our guest's plates. At snother, he embarrassed his teenaged daughter by demeanung and criticizing her in front of guests. Another time, he made sexually inappropriate conments about me to guests, and grabbed at my crotch.
As I cannot control my A behavior, what I can control is my decision to subject myself and my guests to this. I have stopped inviting people over.
I went through a time where I did not invite guests over. Before this program, I would be embarrassed and ashamed by the actions of my qualifiers. My AH grabbed at my crotch as well once - it was horrifying.
As I got better and set my boundaries and learned that I'm only responsible for me/my actions, I got brave and have had a few gatherings. My boys no longer live here which helps with my comfort level on the unexpected. If my AH decides to show up and show his true self, I no longer concern myself. Like most other events, if I don't react and don't engage, he will usually go find something else to do.
Because I am a member of the 'other side' of this program, I don't allow alcohol in my home. This precludes me from having to host family events, and I am truly grateful as my family is large and every get-together is booze-fueled. Others host, and I get to come/go as I want. It's so much nicer to just contribute by cooking than by hosting!
(((Hugs))) to you - it's not easy but you'll find a solution that works for you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
