The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well its been 3 days since I took the first step towards getting my life back and that is to walk away from my relationship.
Today I received the usual few messages from my ex but now hes saying Im been having an affair with his best friend which is totally untrue. Ive managed to stop myself from replying but its not easy. The guilty feelings and feeling of loss and failure are still there but Im trying to keep myself busy to take my mind off it. Right now I have the concentration span of a fly, so doing anything major is pretty much impossible. Work has been my saviour through this and after a day off today, I'll be glad to get back to it as it keeps me busy.
I still feel responsible for his well-being and am trying to convince myself that although I care, I cant take on total responsibility. He has to help himself. With me doing everything for him, I have been sending him the wrong messages and hes come to expect it. This is what Im telling myself anyway.
We all make decisions every day and have to suffer the consequences I guess.
So sorry for what you are experiencing JJ, hope you are working the program and attending f2f meetings because the program and meetings will give you the guidance and support you need right now. Am praying for your peace and serenity.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Alanon has taught me that I'm not in charge of anyone else's well being. I used to try to make my husband go to bed at a decent hour. I'd make his dentist appointments for him. Id worry about his eating habits. It's all silly to me now because he is a grown adult and deserves the dignity to live as he chooses, even if it's not what I think is best for him. We're not abandoning our alcoholic loved ones by detaching with love. We are simply allowing them the courtesy of their own choices. Alanon has taught me to live and let live.
Love in alanon! Keep posting and glad you're excited for your meeting! I still get excited for meetings.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Hey JJ - before I forget, there are online meetings here twice a day. They do not replace F2F meetings and local support/fellowship, but they certainly are great meetings and have allowed me to focus on recovery in my hardest parts of the day - morning and evening. Look to the top on the left, and you can see the schedule and the link to the meeting/chat room.
I love your self-awareness - to stop answering the texts, to allow him the consequences of his choices and to own your own. It's not easy to step away from someone we care about, but for me, it was absolutely necessary to find myself again. I was so enmeshed in what 'they' were doing that I lost myself and became someone that was far different than who I was born to be.
In my experience, when I began to recover and they were still stuck in the disease, they did not like the changes and grasped at anything they could think of to push buttons. It's not that they were intentionally trying to hurt me - it's that they were fearful being left to live within their own disease and the chaos, drama and pain it presents. That old statement, "Misery loves company" certainly applies to this disease in my experience.
I applaud you for choosing recovery. I applaud you for taking action necessary to focus on you and who you want to be. One day at a time, you will see that you can be and will be OK in spite of what he is or is not doing. It's not easy but so worth the effort.
Stay strong and do something special just for you today. If necessary/possible, block him from your phone, just for today. I've done this in the past to help me enforce my boundary of not engaging in the disease. I will answer texts/calls that are neutral or focused on solutions. I no longer choose to participate in the chaos of this disease.
(((Hugs))) to you - stay in this day/moment, and you will be just fine.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
