The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today is a day when I wish you were all in my home and not just my heart. I would like to bring you into the kitchen and offer you tea and have you sit down and cry with me. However, the tears wouldn't be all about sadness and grief - there has also been real growth here in the midst of pain.
I am finding my footing despite his apathy, ambivalence and avoidance. I want the best for him. I know he's not working his program now and he's spending his time calling sick into work and snoring on the couch and not at all engaged in life.... but that is his choice and his life friends. And as much as I love him I will let him experience these choices.
I now know a bit more about boundaries... mostly I know where they are for me now. I know what to do when they're crossed. Should that happen I have a plan to keep me safe.
I have all of you and your ESH to thank as well as this program of course!... thank you.
Time and HP will tell what the next steps are. For tonight I am being gentle and easy with myself and my decisions, and will allow him his space to make his.
LFJ - thank you for your lovely post - what a great thing to wake up and read. Your strength and resolve are shining through even though I can hear your sadness too. I would be honored to sit at your table and laugh and share and eat and drink and just be. It's not often we get to consider those types of things when we live with alcoholism but staying focused on the kind of life we want to live by working this program is gift enough most days!
Know that we are with you in spirit and keep doing your thing - your program is shining through!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I would bring my old dog pictured here, Daisy. She would lick everyone's legs for a little while, and then beg the cinnamon rolls and other assorted goodies, then go lie down in a corner in a satisfied sugar coma, because none of you would be able to resist her begging skills.
Something your post just made me think of. We (I) talk about our boundaries a lot, but we (I) never talk about my As boundaries. When they make those choices that we just don't understand, their boundaries are the ones we respect by letting them have those choices, even when we don't understand them or downright disagree with them. It is really only when their boundaries cross ours, such as when they drive drunk with children, philander, etc, that we should have the boundary discussion with them, otherwise we should respect their boundaries as much as we expect them to respect ours.
There's my contribution to the table talk. And Daisy is snoring in the corner. She is 18 after all.
(((((Daisy))))) Kenny marvelous insight...Mahalo. I could also feel Daisy licking my ankle and my own two pups would be trying to convince me that they are the top not Kenny's dog.
I would bring no-lo fat invisible bear claws. They taste just like you imagine. LOL (((((hugs)))))
Nice work Jenny! I feel like I'm sitting right there with you. Thank you for sharing your E,S & H. Change takes risk, stepping from the known into the unknown. Expanding that internal comfort zone just a bit at a time. That's where faith comes in. You've demonstrated that by your actions. I've learned that if I take care of Me, everything else will fall into place as it should. The outcome will also be better than I expected it to be. Keep on, keeping on... more will be revealed.
Thank you for your post. I would like very much to join you at your table my life has become unmanageable.
I have been reading this forum for a few months now, but I think I finally can no longer cope on my own, and I signed up. I'm not ready to go to a F2F meeting yet, but I do know where they are in my community. I have just hit my bottom and haven't left my house in 2 days So I needed to take action.
The short back story is my father was an A, and he died of the disease in 2008, about 6 months after I stopped talking to him. I never resolved those issue and they have now been compounded by having an addict/alcoholic in my life, albeit this month he is my XABF.
When I met the ABF, I was still married, although not happily. It was nice to have something new and exciting, and I was aware of his recovery. I didn't know much about the process, and I didn't give it much thought. I had a loving guy that had been to treatment some years earlier, and had a few slips along the way, but nothing concerned me. He seemed open and honest about being in recovery. Once things started to go bad, he changed. It took me three months of arguing and fighting to finally ask the right questions. He was back into hard drugs again. With that came other women, and God only knows what else he won't admit. I still tried to keep things together and after some struggles they began to look up.
Here we are, some 10 months after the initial using began (7 months since it came out) and he finally tells me stuff about a slip in Aug. I knew he had slipped with alcohol while working away, but didn't know the extent, and that it had involved drugs and women too. Every time I turn around and try to move from the past, more stuff gets piled on. After he cheated with his slip, he could have told me so I didn't fly out to see him. I could have maybe been free 2 months sooner. I know in my heart I need to be free. I have no children or other obligations with the XAB. Maybe it's a sign that he slipped and cheated on what would have been my fathers b day...
Even this morning he blames me for still communicating with my husband in the beginning And not loving him enough is why he slipped in the first place. I know it isn't my fault but I can't help but feel guilty. I did still talk to my husband...he was my friend long before we were married, and I felt guilty that I hurt him. And I thank god I still talk to him because he is the one that tried to pick up the pieces yesterday when I fell apart. He didn't judge me and say they you go, should not have run off with an addict/alcoholic, which is how I feel now and continue to punish my self accordingly. What a poor yet strong husband of mine to see me lament about the bed I made.
This past Sept I broke up with ABF because the trust was just too far gone. We still kept in touch, and when he returned from work last week, we were going to talk. As usual things went awry, and he spent more time being mad/frustrated with me cause I don't trust him. Well the truth is, I shouldn't. So all these days he blew me off in the name of his recovery because fighting is bad and he needs to leave the past in the past, and he needs to work on him, just to spend time with a woman from AA. While I know this part is true, I am highly skeptical when they go away for an overnight out of town. Sounds like 13th stepping to me . How does this get resolved last night? He blocks my calls, tells me he cheated on me in Aug, and that he is not in love with me. I am hurt and angry and so many other things. Even devastated. How does I love you and want to build a life with you once I get better disappear in 2 days? Maybe with some comfort from someone else....
please help me. I'm a mess. just so you get a better idea of what kind of person I am and how I'm feeling, tomorrow XABF will get a two month chip and all I could think is congratulations for cheating two months ago Right before I came out to see you and have us go on vacation. Thank god again I had my wits about me enough to not sleep with him the last few months. I should I guess be proud of me for being able to pick up on his words and signs and body language to know more truth.
i need to start putting this out there so I can let it go. It is too heavy for me and is killing me Slowly. I've spent the morning deleting old emails about I'm sorry and blah blah cause all they are are the musings of a drug addict trying to hide the truth.
Welcome to MIP - so very glad you are here and thank you for your share...you are not alone - we, like no other can understand your feelings.
Alcoholism is a progressive, deadly disease that creates chaos and drama all around it. Al-Anon will give you fellowship, tools and steps so that you can find your way to happiness and peace no matter what anyone else is or is not doing.
Keep coming back and consider putting you first and consider recovery. (((Hugs))) to you...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oceantide recovery is great. I had to hit rock
Bottom before i found my seat at an alanon mtg.
I just sat listened,learned and absorbed for a
Long time. Reading the literature helped too.
Learning everything i could about the disease
And also about codepency ( co-addict) we get
As sick as they are in a different way.
Most of us come from the disease or the
dysfunction From it then we marry into it.
We really have a lifetime of recovery Work
to do.
Alanon is about us and for us to get better
In spite of the disease and how it effected
Us.
We are there for each other so we can
Blossom and get emotionally strong. Thats
The hope anyways:)
Keep on, keeping on... more will be revealed.
. How does this get resolved last night? He blocks my calls, tells me he cheated on me in Aug, and that he is not in love with me. I am hurt and angry and so many other things. Even devastated. How does I love you and want to build a life with you once I get better disappear in 2 days? Maybe with some comfort from someone else....