The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just wanted to tell everyone that my AH is still doing really great in her recovery. She is inspiring me with her strength, increased energy and renewed ability to fulfill my needs. This is due to her following her own program combined with us working on our marriage. Things that would have been easy to live with, we are now more than ever committed to fixing. And we both are giving thanks for each other for all the good things rather than focusing on the negative. I feel we are building a foundation that will help us deal with anything.
Now, for some reality. I am not naïve to think that someone 60 days sober is or will ever be in the clear. I guess I'm thinking of two scenearios. One is we stay really connected but the disease just hits her at a week time. The other is she or we have a large event that puts her in a vulnerable place that the disease can pounce. Either way, I'd love some advice on how to handle things. Just encourage her to get back to her program?
I am doing so well living day to day and enjoying each day so I don't want this to seem like I'm getting ahead of myself. I just would like to hear what people say when i'm in a good frame of mind rather than in a stupor. While in a stupor, I really wanted to leave my wife over things we've already talked about and fixed so I want to keep sharpening my skills while i'm doing so well. Thanks.
I guess I am a little confused as to what you are looking for in this post ing
I am happy that you to are connecting and being supportive of each other's recovry> If I understand the rest of your post you would like some pointers as to what to do if she relapses.
I would only suggest that expectations both positive and negative can have disastrous results as they can become built in resentment.s Anyone can relapse and the best we can do is maintain our own program of recovery so that we do not relapse along with the partner.
Your partner should have a sponsor and have discussed this topic extensively with them as we are powerless over another's recovery.
You can up your meetings, work the Steps and keep coming back
I'm guessing your worry is about what you should do if she relapses. It is good to have a plan for any eventuality, so we know we'll handle it if it comes down the pike.
My experience is that the best way to handle it is to react neutrally or casually/honestly. They don't need advice about getting back to the program - they know that's what they should do. Whether they choose to do it depends on them. Sometimes they relapse and intend to stay relapsed. In that case, all our urging won't make them change their minds, any more than our urging can get them into recovery in the first place. In fact sometimes it comes across as disapproving/condescending, which doesn't make matters better.
Also if we say, "You're going back to meetings, right?" or whatever, their response may well be "Yeah, sure" even if they don't mean it. Because if they've lapsed into full-blown alcoholism, lying and covering up come with the territory.
The first few times my AH relapsed (I don't mean to scare you, but just to give my experience) I was all about "Time to get back on the wagon!" So he sorta did, or at least went along with me when I was there. I did notice that my alarm and determination were greater than his.
Later on I just let things happen and did my private information gathering. I asked myself, "Does he look like he's commited to recovery? Is he doing the things that someone committed to recovery would do?"
The reason it mattered to me is that I knew I couldn't live with longterm continued drinking. So if he really wasn't going to be working his recovery, I needed to know so I could start making other plans. Someone who was determined to stay with their A, for ever or for the long term, wouldn't be keeping tabs the way I was. Sometimes keeping tabs can be helpful, sometimes it's just taking over the A's own job for them and becoming a way of being anxious and hypervigilant all the time.
Either way, working on your own recovery will make you better able to do the healthy thing no matter what happens. Take good care of yourself.
What Hotrod offers in part is what was given to me when I first arrived in Al-Anon and using open mindedness I was able to add to it. Expectations was one of the subjects and fear another both of them could get me what I didn't want and early on that was true. I focused so hard and so long on her condition I was one of the reasons she went back out for another 5 years. Get your focus on yourself that is your concern. Learning to suspect my own thinking and awareness was another and I learned from my sponsor a thought force which would come up when I started thinking I knew what was going on..."Could you be wrong"? I would ask myself and dared not think "No". I needed help to get into and thru recovery and still do. Yesterday my wife and I did an inventory on my responses and thoughts regarding some issues I have with life on my terms...I got three wrong before quitting the power and control behaviors I sometimes fall into. 3 times!!!...I was turning to toast which she was laughing out loud.
If the first step is true...and it is...for me then we are powerless is the first thought to work from and then I should take things very slow. Relapse is a condition of addiction...the compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body. I learned to visualize that metaphorically as a racing semi-tractor trailer and me standing in its way. I learned to see my consequence before it happened and got out of the way.
Find some of your needs to fulfill by yourself...it works when you work it. (((hugs)))
For me, any type of projection derails me from enjoying and living in the present. As I got familiar with the program, and worked the steps, the 'me' I was meant to be become more clear. As I peeled back all the layers of denial, anger, resentment, shame, etc. in the steps, I saw what I could live with and what I could not live with. I have no issues admitting I am powerless over another's actions, reactions, recover or disease. The question I had to answer was what could I live with. What aligned best with being the best me. As I began to be able to define what I needed and/or wanted in my life, it became clear what my boundaries needed to look like so I could continue to grow, learn and live as peacefully as possible.
I was never concerned with relapsing as I do understand that relapse can be and often is a huge part of recovery. But, because I am a double-winner (belong to AA & Al-Anon) I knew I could no longer be in a home with mind-altering substances. This was a personal choice and a very clear boundary shared with my qualifiers. I didn't tell them they could not relapse or use, instead I would no longer have it in my home. Of course, my boys thinking they were smarter than me (the disease) wanted to word battle over the 'property' vs. the 'house' so I had to expand my boundary.
I never set boundaries on meetings, program, recovery, etc. as I felt that was me in their business. But, by working the program, having an open mind and using a sponsor, I came up with boundaries that supported me, my recovery and my growth.
I don't know if this helps - but wanted to give an example of what worked for me. I do know that before I came here, anytime one of my qualifiers relapsed, I took it personally as they had promised.....well - mine tend to say what needs to be said in the moment, and any level of integrity is suspect for those afflicted with the disease, especially in early sobriety. Stay in the present, continuing to work on you and your side of the street. As you work the steps, and grow, the answers will come.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks everyone. I guess I was a bit confusing. I'm really concentrating on myself and getting better but I just want to react in the best manner if something happens. I want it way back in my head in case something happens. I'm living day to day and loving it now which is why I just wanted some advice on how to react if it happens. I've learned that demanding she go back to meetings or rehab would do no good. I guess calmness is key. If she asks for support, give it but to push her back would be fruitless unless she does it herself. I guess it came up because a woman in her meetings had a relapse a week or so ago so my wife helped her get to a few meetings and get back on track. So if something similar happened to my wife, I wanted to do the right thing, even if it means nothing. I know I need to work on myself and am doing plenty of that but just wanted some peace of mind that if it happens, I have a plan. I'm not thinking negative as I honestly think she is on a very good path....but I don't want to put my head in the sand to the idea that it could happen. And now is the time to come up with a plan, put that plan away hopefully forever, and keep living in the moment. Thanks for all the advice and I welcome any more.
It sounds like you have some good awareness. I think a fellow AA'er helping an AA'er get back into the program feels different to the person than a non-A family member. Though I can see why that would make you wonder if urging would be a good thing to do. But I think AA'ers see others as their peer group, while we're in another group (often one that's judgmental, though being judgmental is completely understandable. But it does tend to have the opposite effect to the one that's hoped for). It's as if we're pushing but other AA'ers are pulling. Hope that makes sense.
I have dealt with my husband relapsing after years of sobriety
in my experience there is nothing really you can do to plan for how you will react to the situation. The best you can do for yourself is focus on your program of recovery so that, as Betty said, you don't relapse along with them. There is no guarantee our loved ones will or will not relapse. There is one guarantee, if we work a solid alanon program we will feel more peace and more free. I am living proof that it works if you work out. Keep the focus on you, But keep hope alive for your alcoholic lived one.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
uva25 - so sorry if I misunderstood.....now that you've psoted again, I 'see' what you mean.....Mattie hit the nail on the head. If you're active in your Al-Anon group, you will probably have a member or two that you speak with outside of meetings as well as a sponsor. The AA program has the same structure. So, if someone is MIA all of a sudden, usually program folks will do a check on another person - 12 Stepping is what we call it in the AA world.
Mattie mentions the pull thought vs. the push thought. True - so true. My only question at points of relapse were have you called your sponsor? I allow myself that question if/when they let me know and wanted help. If they were out and active, no point asking as I already knew the answer.
HTH...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
