The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi again.......well Ive got through a day and a half since walking away from my relationship. Today I felt slightly empowered. Now, however, Im feeling guilty, sad, sorry for my ex, no concentration span and so, so exhausted. He contacted me today and wants to speak to me face to face, call me etc etc. I said no for many reasons. Im afraid of the confrontation as he's somewhat of a loose cannon, the fact that Im feeling sorry for him and the guilt Im feeling will give me reason in my mind, to go back to him and if I go back I know nothing will have changed. I know these feelings will diminish with time, but Im fighting a constant battle in my mind, trying to fight the thoughts off. I know Ive made the right decision but I think Ive become so used to the constant 'carer' role Ive been playing, that now its gone, I dont know what to do.
So sorry for what you are going through, it is normal to feel the way you do, I think you know that and are fighting it. Going to Al-anon meetings and working the 12-steps would help so much, hope you are working the program. {{HUGS}}
-- Edited by Debb on Tuesday 27th of October 2015 05:56:09 AM
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I agree with Deb- The feelings you describe are very normal and human. Attending alanon meetings, for the support you need, will empower you at one point to see him and state your position with clarity. No need to hide away.--for now I would suggest that you take care of yourself and develop new tools of communication.
So sorry that the evening time presents more challenges for you. I can so relate - I tend to over-process at night, I guess because it's easier for me to stay busy and go about my day - during the day!
I agree that jumping into the Al-Anon program will help. It will give you something that you are doing just for you. Reading the literature and studying/working the steps will also help you get through the difficult times when the creep up.
Break-ups are so difficult. I love how the program teaches us to just focus on today. I have two sons and right now, they're not involved in my life. Each day, at some point, I am triggered to reach out, call or text or ... My experience is when I do this, I end up setting myself back up for being used, and I get angry all over again, mostly at me. So, when that creeps into my mind, I tend to process from a point of, Just for today.....I will not contact, but I will pray or whatever feels right for that moment.
Before Al-Anon, I never put myself first - not my needs, not my wants, not my thoughts or happiness. It was so foreign to me to hear that in the program, and because of years and years of putting others first, it was uncomfortable. I have found though that when I put myself first, I find peace. When I find peace, I am a genuinely nicer/more caring person. So, just for today, be good to you, treat yourself to something you've not ever done or not done for a long while. Just for today, put you first.
As my sons can trigger me in so many different ways, there have been times during their disease that I've actually blocked them from my phone. While this may sound drastic, it was a step I felt necessary at the time to regroup and protect my sanity. The program will help you set boundaries for yourself with regards to this person (and others) that intend to help/protect your being and not punish them. You can and will get through this - just keep coming back and thinking about what you can do just for you and your state of being for just this day.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That is such good advice. I intend to start going to meetings next week and Im looking forward to gaining the knowledge I need to help me understand and get through this and also to change the pattern in my relationships. In the meantime Im so grateful to have found this site.
