The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that detachment is very important in Al-Anon. I physically detach by leaving the house when my AH drinks, go out with friends, go shopping or just stay in the house in another room reading, watching television, talking on the phone or cleaning and doing laundry. This is easy. However, where I get stuck is the emotional detachment. In a marriage, the partners are supposed to communicate, trust in each other, lean on each other for support, talk things over, discuss things that happens during our day. When I emotionally detach, I feel lonely, distant, not a part of a marriage - I think, what's the point of being in a relationship. After many years of detaching and not asking questions I know the answers to, I feel our marriage has suffered. I sure would appreciate any feedback on this.
I can only speak from experience .... I detached physically and emotionally from the chaos/drama as it occurred. I did not detach emotionally 24/7. As time went on (about a year) my AH saw that when he abused his right to be in my company when he drank, his attitudes changed. He still drinks and I still mind my own business, but he treats me with alot more respect.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I know this appears extreme. I got big airplane-landing crew looking noise canceling headphones. I can use them with music, tv, netflix, etc. It gets me gone when I feel trapped. As Debb says, it's obvious I am not engaging.
You and me both. The marriage you describe is the one I've always wanted but have never had. The "why" of why I'm still married is something I've had to come to terms with and have - for now.
The feedback I offer is this:
The description of your detachment comes across as merely avoidance, both physically and emotionally.
That's the way i do it also.
I believe the trick is to find fulfilling ways to more actively pursue your interests during that time so that even if you find your marriage lacking, you won't find your LIFE lacking.
I doubt cleaning, watching television or doing laundry are high on your list of interests.
So, if the laundry piles up or there are dust bunnies running around because you are:
learning to paint,
singing in a choir (or rock and roll band!),
hiking a mountain,
training for a marathon,
learning to sew,
teaching a class,
feeding people at the food-bank,
coaching a volleyball team,
campaigning for your candidate,
learning a foreign language,
becoming a stand-up comedian,
dancing,
advocating for the less-fortunate,
becoming an MMA cage-fighter
... in short, participating in YOUR life on YOUR terms ...
then so be it. Don't expect him to pitch in. The same laundry, dishes and dust will be there when you get to it.
Easier said then done, I know. I'm just beginning. If you master it, clue me in!!
I never could master emotional detachment.
I am only really detaching now after the divorce
And not seeing him anymore.
My ex was dry and had already checked out.
I was trying to save a sinking ship called My
marriage. It takes two willing and healthy
people To make a good marriage.
When not too much real communication goes
on anymore.The Marriage Dies a slow death,
The bond starts to unravel.
Basically live like you are single and make your
Own life. Talk to people that love and care about
You. Get your Needs met by God and yourself.
The way I read "detachment" is that when he's not able/willing to step up to the plate (which is much of the time), I don't let that drag down my mood. Before, I reacted to the disappointment. I was distraught when he just wasn't "there" for me emotionally. Which was most of the time. As time went on, pretty much all of the time. When I realized that I was "going to the hardware store for bread," it took some of the sting out of it.
But you're right, that's not what I was in marriage for. A kind of semi-cooperative roommate. Who sometimes acted like a toddler and caused a lot of trouble.
That's one of the reasons I got out of my marriage. If I wasn't going to be able to get that closeness, then at least I didn't want to have the disappointment in my face all the time. Life was a whole lot more serene without him.
But not everyone is in a position to get out of their marriage, financial and otherwise. So I think the loving detachment is a way to keep from beating our heads against the wall continuously. We can't get that closeness from an alcoholic because he's already in an affair with someone else - the alcohol. But maybe we can live with him without being miserable and depressed. That's not everything, but it's not nothing.
What a great topic and thread - my situation is like Debb's.....as I got stronger and chose to do other things of interest, my husband got more respectful. Do we have a super close relationship? Nope. But can we talk about really important things? Sometimes. What I've done is made sure I have a network of program friends + my sponsor and when I am feeling down or restless, I reach out and talk with them. Even if I'm talking about issues, there's comfort in having the support. If I am down and don't know why, this type of program work always brightens my moods.
I am comfortable in my own skin, have many interests, projects and activities and never feel lonely. I've replaced my projections of what my life would be life with things and people I enjoy and focus on one day at a time!
It's a process with trial and error....I don't expect a lot from my AH and he doesn't disappoint me.
(((Hugs))) to you! Hope this helps!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
