This is a great read for where I am....I can honestly say that living the program is easier when things go well....I struggle when there is disharmony as I begin to second guess my actions, thoughts, boundaries, etc. It's so easy to wonder if the effort I apply is of value beyond my small piece of the world.

If I get honest with myself or sponsor at points like this, I can see my motive is self-pity/pity party. I'm not sure what would possess me to 'want' a pity party but at times, it seems to be an unconscious motive. I have a family member who celebrated 60 days sober and is now MIA. I have reached out but no answer. I am angry (at the disease) and unsure if I should or could do more....this is not one of mine - it's a child of a cousin.

I tend to get angry at the disease when I hear of relapse and that's the 2nd one this week. The program tells me to detach and pray for them, and I will get there but for me, for some reason, I have to get angry first. Anger is not a good place for me - just brings me down, makes me sad and makes me want to do nothing but hide!

So, I am a bit restless, irritable and discontent for today - just for a while. Because I choose to work this program, I have to face these events and walk through them. Before the program, I would avoid them, justify them or act as if I didn't care. So - my honesty for today is I am angry at the disease and angry that I am powerless to help some who struggle with it.

At times, that dishonesty I practiced before 'seemed' easier.....I know that's the insanity that follows this disease but ... just saying!