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I'm needing some significant support right now as you can only imagine my Husband is pulling out all tHe stops as He doesn't want me to leave and I've actually drawing a line in tHe sand. He is begging me to go to counseling wHicH I do not want to do I just tHink tHat prolong tHe agony wHicH I've done before He's insisting He will get Himself into recovery He's insisting He'll start going to cHurcH I've Heard tHese tHings before, , I have responded by trying to be kind and empathetic but I've also told him that he needs to just please let me go but nobody's healthy anymore and we're not doing our daughter any favors by living in a loveless dysfunctional marriage. ThaT said I recognize ThaT This could Truly be his final bottom and maybe he will geT himself and I worry abouT how I will feel some day if looking back with regrets. . ThaT's where I need your help I'm still feeling like I want to push forward with a divorce mediation to avoid a long cause be drawn out battle which I think would be detrimental to myself my daughter and frankly my husband. I do of course wish that this would be his final bottom and he would get all the help that he needs and he could become the man that he wants to be with his daughter but I've made it clear to him I don't have time to sit around and wait and watch I've been damaged for far too long but that's making me feel pretty heartless at the moment. I've been sticking to my guns about refusing to go to counseling and insisting that we set a date for the divorce mediation my next step feel like it needs to be securing a lawyer if he doesn't agree to the divorce mediation which is far easier cheaper and healthier. . ThaT Terrifies me and I Think iT will only jusT escalaTe problems wiTh in our household and furThermore the potential for me to cave in is far too great I've done it far too many times. Sadly I do love the man iS the father of my daughter I do care for him and I've tried for So So very long to make thiS marriage work he haSn't done hiS part he recognizeS that now but I feel like it'S juSt too late. I need to borrow some strength from you and from those who's been through this before because I feel like slime on the bottom of somebody's shoes no matter which way I turn. . I
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I totally understand that it is almost useless to go to a councilor with an active A but if he is sincere about getting help and not drinking why do you not want to go to counseling? You say you love him and I really understand the just being done but I just don't understand why you wouldn't give it a chance with counseling? I'm also asking for myself I guess because there are times that I am so fed up and just want it to end. I am sending many (((hugs)))for you and your daughter, I do understand how tough all this is.
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 23rd of October 2015 02:35:02 PM
Sending you lots of strength and as much peace as possible. These are my thoughts for you today...
I don't think that caving in would be helpful for either of you and I can just imagine how much pressure is being put on you at the moment. It is so difficult, is there any way that you can avoid it?
Keeping the focus on your well being, controlling what you can do and keeping it as simple and as clear as you are doing now is good. From my experience counselling with an active A is painful and just causes more hurt. Counselling for yourself is an option if you want.
If your husband wants to he can be taking steps to get into recovery and reaching out for help. Actions speak louder than words.
I have a surprising number of acquaintances who have divorced and then remarried, but they only remarried when they had a renewed respect for each other and each others needs. Just a thought. not really a suggestion.
I think that you are absolutely justified in the steps that you are proposing. It seems to me that sanity and health for you lies ahead, and your actions are potentially helpful for the father of your child as well (of course he won't see it that way and will argue the opposite!).
I'm proud of you. You are standing so much taller than you know and from what I've read it sounds as if you are doing it all with incredible dignity. It makes me so sad that you are sneaking negative thoughts about yourself (although I know I've done the same so can empathise completely!). How loudly do you need me to shout 'you are not slime' and 'you have a wonderful generous heart'?!!!
You are a wonderful and incredibly compassionate lady. Please don't let anyone, including yourself, make you feel less than the beautiful woman that you are.
Sending huge ((((((hugs))))))))
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 23rd of October 2015 02:35:51 PM
Im not willing to go bc ive heard all of this befire. We have had major issues, this is affar number two with pictures and a family friend and altjough my heart breaks at sharing custody. . Im a shell of a person. I have been putting up and shutting up for years. Have there been some good, oh yes. . And i do.*love*him as daughters father. . But at 17 yrs in, my family and he barely speak. They have heard the rumors of affairs and posdible ither drug use and basically will not allow him in their home againever and if i cave they know i will dustance agaun and cut myself if from them further out of shame. .. . Again.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
He has tried all this before. You have caved in before and not kept your boundaries. So of course he is trying this again because it worked! And then he could return to his cheating, lying behavior once again because you had forgiven him. He thinks this is a pattern that will be repeated. You know you can't do that again.
Counseling? Well maybe but only after he has shown you that this time he is a changed man and that will not happen in a short time.
What I am seeing is a woman who is ready to leave because she feels that this is the very best thing for both her and her daughter. A woman who has learned from al anon that she is worthy of more, entitled to decent treatment from a man who professes to love her but acts otherwise. But a woman still very susceptible to her own weaknesses and negative thinking because you also have been affected by his addictions.
So agree with Milkwood- be proud of yourself that you are standing strong for both you and your daughter and move forward in your life. If he really, really wants a relationship he will take himself to AA and get some counseling for himself. That is his choice and his journey. He is not yours to fix.
(((TOC))) take care of yourself please. If he is willing to go for help --"great--let him . Then when he has some recovery under his belt you can discuss your next move-- couples council etc. T
The primary issue is that "today you need to take care of your mental and physical health" This is your primary goal so that you can regain your health and become the mother and person you were meant to be.
Always remember your asset list : You are a well educated professional who can and does support herself, are compassionate, loving and an excellent mom.
Heres what i know. . Im susceptible to caving. . Ive done it before. I have no real true friends anymore because of the choices ive made, i feel a divorce as devastating as ut is might be his only shot at facing his deamins and fir ne to.regain sanity. Am i a wreck . Yes. Broken you bet. . Feeling guilty. . X 100
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Good reason ocean, stay strong. I was just curious. My heart goes out to you. You need to do this for you! Don't forget #1! I will be praying for you and your daughter.
When I divorced my alcoholic/addict I did it for me; not for her. I was not and am not her keeper as the program taught me against my original feelings. She was and is her keeper with her own choices before we met, while we were together and thereafter. I was and am responsible for my own sanity and actions and the outcomes of my decisions...the consequences. I did what was best for me which also had an affect on her somewhat because I had become insane and it had come close to taking her life. I find out that there is a God leading me in right directions one of which was divorce of the addict and alcoholic who my HP did not approve of me marrying in the first place.
"...the courage to change the things I can" is stated in our serenity prayer which is courage I pray for, for me. It works when you work it and it isn't the only thing we have to work there is and will be more work to do.
Do what is right for you...and do it. (((((hugs)))))
Hugs ocean. Do whats best for you and your daughter.
My dry xah moved out after i stood my ground. I moved
After the divorce was finalized and the financials were
Spelled out. I am very glad i did.
I was the wild card, the decent good Wife to be taken
advantage of. This doormat came alive and was fighting
Mad. I still am very angry. I actually embrace my healthy
Anger now, it needs to come out for me to heal.
I still struggle daily it does not get better staying in a toxic
Relationship it does more damage every day. Mostly to me
Not him, he had already checked out with a new woman in
The wings. He wanted to forget the old in with the new, its
Was his way out.
Man up or dealing were not in the cards. We tried marriage
Counseling what a joke. Both therapists said get out!
everything was done for husband that i could and others. after the drunken scenes,duis,accidents,money spent on both his escapes and his shopping and gambling sprees, after 3 stints in rehab,short jail stay etc nothing has changed he is not willing to address his alcoholism even after being close to death from it several times
Im the last plug to his drain. im planning to leave so who knows if he will face the music or not. I am watching out for myself,going to meetings, reading my alann and we just got laid off, so im doing alot of online searches
serenity to u ocean....
(((Hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers for you and your family.
Meetings would be great about now as it would give you local support. We are all here for you, but you can't get in the car and drive to meet us for a cup of coffee/coke when you need a break. Nothing beats local program friends and a sponsor for support when the proverbial @#$# hits the fan!!!
Your processing reminds me of mine before the program - All or Nothing. If you truly love him and want to support him but can't live with him, perhaps a separation vs. divorce vs. caving? The program and my sponsor helped me to consider more than 2 alternatives and it was a great new way to mend myself as my qualifiers did their thing.
The good news - you don't have to decide anything today. If you feel pressured, just stop the conversation. You are allowed and entitled to breaks in days/life/discussions. Take them. Treat yourself as you would a best friend who is going through a hard time. The only person who can give you a break and/or give you relief at this point is yourself.
If you've truly made up your mind, state that and don't engage any more in discussions. If you're not sure, then state that. Nobody knows your truth but you and you have a right to speak your truth to him with I statements.
Keep your HP close and you will get thru this - one moment at a time, one day at a time!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Ocean.... you don't want to change your mind. It's a reoccurring theme throughout your post. Your ah doesn't have the power to make you "cave" to change your mind.
As far worrying that he'll get sober after you've divorced him and you won't experience marriage with him being sober; it doesn't mean he will be a different man. Ocean, he cheated on you and that was ongoing. Your husband isn't a cheat because he's an alcoholic ocean. He's a cheat because he's a man who cheats so getting sober won't change that. It's just something to consider. You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
I hope you continue to go forward with taking care of yourself and your daughter. As far as ever getting back together with him... the only time that opportunity would cease to exist is if one of you died. You've got the rest of your life ocean. First things first... you and your daughter. You're in my prayers. Thank goodness you have a sponsor to call on during this rough time. Ocean.. it's your chance now not his. You get to decide. You are supported here whatever you choose. Please know that. (((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
