The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm not sure how to organize this thought. The light suddenly dawned last night and that new understanding has me both horrified and amazed. It is the type of understanding that is so aweful that even though you know it is the truth you still try to deny and rationalize it... but it cannot be rationalized away. And it is so amazing that I keep poking at the ugly truth of it to see just how revolting it is.
The alcohol has made him insane. He has no memory of things that he does. He is totally confused by people's behavior toward him because he has no memory or understanding of what he does at any given time. I am not sure he is ever sober. I am not sure he can remember his behaviors from one sober moment to the next. And he trys to walk around doing things that he thinks "normal" people do, but he does them inappropriately. And he has no idea. And he fools himself into thinking that his behavior is both rational and normal... but, it is not.
This understanding came last night while we were walking the dogs. The sprinklers were on at one house and the sprinklers water the sidewalk. Out of habit I told him not to walk through the sprinklers as it will soak him and the dog and it is too cold to be wet. He told me I am an idiot and that I don't need to tell him not to walk through the sprinklers. I responded by saying that he walks through them all the time, and I don't want the dog wet. To which, he replied that he has never walked through the sprinklers. Then he further complained that I shouldn't be telling him not to comb his hair by the food machines because he has never done that either. Yet, every employee has come to me with the complaint that he is combing his hair by the machines and they have to throw away the food-covered hair. I have seen him do it also. And even when you catch him in the act of it, he still maintains he is not doing it.
It just amazes me that alcohol can do this much damage to a mind. He is truely insane. And I don't know that this damage can ever be reversed. Certainly he has no acceptance of his problem. I envision him dying alone and drunk on a street corner somewhere. And now I know how the street people got where they are and why.
THis is a very sad realization! I know this is hard for you! I have really been trying hard to stay out of my a's decisions and life. One of the things that horrorfyingly enough seems to calm me down is this statement from "Getting Them Sober"--He is going to die--he is killing himself. This sounds terrible and it's not that I want him to die I truly love him and I'm not at the point of hating him, but this statement helps me to realize that nothing I say or do to him can hurt him as much as he is hurting himself. For some sad reason this comforts me.
I am sorry your a is at such a place. I wish for you comfort and peace.
Ditto, I am truly sorry for the agony of realization that you are facing, and I pray that you will see your way, with the help of your HP, to better times. It is now time to take care of you, and I wish you well. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Yes...It is truly sad.....and I can so relate. My A behaves in exactly the same way and believes he is the only one who is "normal" and that it's everyone esle who has a problem. Tried to convince me that he hadn't done things I had watched him doing,or that I had a problem with my memory since he would relate things I was supposed to have said.....and know absolutely that I certainly didn't.
I used to tie myself up in knots trying to work out how on earth he ever came to the conclusions he did....but that's part of our insanity. Trying to make sense of things that don't make any sense at all. I'd spend hours or days going over and over things piece by piece and still not managing to work out where it had all come from.I too used to remind him not to do certain things and get a hasty"I'm not stupid,I don't need you to tell me the obvious" whilst he is actually doing the very thing I was reminding him not to???? Then telling me I was imagining things and I really ought to see a doctor as he was worried about my state of mind??? Arrgghhh!!!
Gently asking him not to use the house telephone unless it's absolutely necessary( I pay the bills as he didn't work) were met with "It only costs a small amount to use a phone for a few minutes",then when the last bill was 5 times my normal amount,totally denying he ever used it....despite the itemised bill showing daily chats with his A sister. I was told that it must have been me or someone else??I never speak to his sister.
The memory lapses really used to upset and worry me. My A would regularly go the shop for bread and newspaper and come back without the bread!! Then go back again,and come back with milk instead!!Like yours he had no idea why people reacted the way they did towards him,even though he was quick to point out when others behaved inappropriately.He also completely forgot whole days or conversations with other people,even denying they took place-despite me being there and witnessing them myself!
It's all totally insane. I ended up sicker than he was. I was the one questioning myself in the end and beginning to actually believe that it was me who had the problem. Once I came here to this site,I learned that I really did have a problem. Trying to make sense of someone that made no sense was my insanity.
It's all so very sad and very scarey.
By coming here and learning more about how to deal with the insanity,I have found a curious peace I didn't have the benefit of before.I'm learning how not to involve myself in the chaos. For that I am truly grateful.
I wish peace and happiness to you also ((((((ditto)))))))
