The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A bit of an update here. I posted on here a few months ago as I was struggling to maintain a relationship of a lady I met in rehab. In short, I stayed sober, she relapsed. In 18 months I've seen out 16 months in rehab, stayed sober, moved back home and recommennced a really good job in London. I'm active in AA and would deem my sobriety is good. In the period I moved away, I detached with love from this woman. A concept I learnt here. She contacted me once and though struggling said she was sober. I wished her well and tried to stay in contact but texts were seldom replied to and my assumption was she was drinking. Roll on till a few days ago. I was on Facebook (very much a poisoned chalice) and suddenly all these picture popped up of her in various posed with various men in a nightclub looking the worse for wear. On every level it shook me to the core and I felt physically sick. I texted her and asked if she was ok but she didn't respond. I decided then and there to take myself off Facebook as I can't bear to watch a car crash in motion. She phoned me yesterday and I challenged her on this. She said she is drinking, wanted to go out to feel normal, she was very tearful and said she hated going out and is scared her drinking may kill her. She said she is not happy and the pictures she posted were a front. All of these behaviours I understand as for the most part I'm guilty of them in my own addiction. I accept I can't change it, didn't cause it and certainly can't cure it. It's reawakened the old feelings I have for her. I spoke to her today and she was drinking and had a 'friend' looking after her and it appeared he was drinking too. I feel jealous, I feel rejected and it hurts. I think if I'm honest she's a relic of my time in rehab, our worlds are very different but I can't seem to let go. Fortunately she lives far from me but I can't get her or what she is doing out of my mind. I've much to be happy about and yet a feel a total s***. I guess I'm looking more to vent than to be guided. It just hurts....
Paul you are going thru a relapse cycle yourself which is what I also went thru with my alcoholic/addict wife. The curiosity, interest and invitation took me out and there was the hand basket filled with hell all over again. Our disease is cunning, powerful and baffling considerably. When I spoke to my sponsor and other elders in the program about what I had gone thru the told me "because you were not finished yet" and while I adamantly rejected that idea with but a little thought I accepted it was true. I turned her over to God completely and mentioned "please keep me away from it". That worked and still does mostly. We have no guarantees ever. Sending compassion, empathy, concern and prayers your way. Let go.....Let God. ((((hugs))))
Thanks Jerry. I wholly agree with what you are saying. If not dealt with correctly it will send me back out and that is what petrifies me. The nature of my addiction was severe enough to warrant 16 months of treatment. If I drink again that's it. For me it is life or death. I've never been good at handing anything over. With her there is nothing I can do. I'm glad it's not me but it so easily could be if I don't treat this with the respect and seriousness it demands.
Hey there Paul - so glad you stopped back by! So sorry for the situation that brought you here....I do understand completely and can say that Facebook for me can be a trigger for an emotional relapse if I am not spiritually fit. It tends to distract me from my own "Miracle in Progress" and has me comparing my insides to other people's outsides.....not a logical or fair way to assess my progress or theirs for that matter.
My only solution when this happens for me is program - step it up. More meetings, more dialogue with my sponsor or trusted program friends - spilling it out over and over until I get/feel relief. There's nothing wrong with us being sad over a relationship that we can't have - it's when we let it control us that it needs added attention.
If talking and meetings don't slay the obsession, I'm a big writer - step work on the person/relationship and/or a letter with 'all my thoughts' dumped out that never gets mailed. I tend to Write About It, Then Talk About It (more) and then of course Pray About It.
My Mantra this week as I deal with drama/chaos from this disease within my family circle is, "Father, Bless Them & Change Me."
Pull all your tools out and you can/will get through this. If you're not going to Al-Anon meetings and only focused on the AA side, why not? (go to one/two/few)...
What I've learned is that the AA program keeps me focused on my primary relationship between myself and alcohol. My Al-Anon program keeps me focused on my primary relationship between myself and my qualifiers/self. So - Al-Anon has me look at and change me at a deeper level than my AA program did/does.
I don't know if that makes sense but the beauty of qualifying for both programs - we gotta few more tools - thank you RECOVERY!!!
(((Hugs))) to you - stop by here more often too - we'll leave the lights on for ya!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good to hear for you Paul . It is true we in alanon also "relapse "and it is very painful and distressing Glad you came here to share and please try to get to an alanon meeting and call your sponsor. You are doing so well in your AA recovery.
Paul, you are new to feeling these feelings sober. First sober love...first sober heartbreak...Sad that she is not one of the fortunate ones as of yet. Anyhow, I wanted to encourage you and tell you some of the intensity of this relationship is clearly due to a strong shared experience and the newness of feeling it sober. That being said, it is our alcoholic nature to obsess. At some point, you will be better using the same tools to stop thinking about her as you did to stop thinking about alcohol. You will get better at managing your thoughts and feelings the longer you are sober. That is how it worked for me.
Thanks guys - this is excellent counsel.
The notion of relapse sounded repugnant to me but is actually incredibly accurate. I mean, just logging onto Facebook knowing I will see things that I know will upset and hurt me yet still doing it anyway says everything. It was the same with drink - I kept going back to it with full knowledge of the outcome but it never stopped me.
I'm fortunate I'm sober and I'm fortunate I have a choice. This is excellent food for thought. I will sleep well tonight I'm sure.
Much love and many many thanks
