((TOC)) It is understandable that things are difficult now. You are a great wife and mother and you cannot live like this any longer
The insanity has reached epic proportions and you need to save your sanity and life.

It has little to do with him and all about your mental and physical health. You are no longer willing to be a martyr for the marriage. You need to feel safe, secure and appreciated. You still care for him and wish him well.

Recite the serenity prayer and go for a walk

 

 

((((TOC))))...He needs a therapist and you are not one and might you not need one yourself?  Slow down and think...Do your crying and then think...call your sponsor and think, come to the board and then think.  We  understand the confusion and hurt and pain which is really debilitating and there is no law that says you need to go thru it so don't...Let go and Let God.   ((((hugs))))

TOC - (((Hugs))) for you - so sorry that the pain is so great right now. Have you given any thought to putting him out instead of you leaving? My experience and boundaries suggest that if/when my qualifiers suggest they want things better/different/improved, I suggest that they do the work to make it so. There are no guarantees, but you can ask him to go instead of you. You can ask him to go away, go to treatment, go to a friends - just go to give you time/space to process/think....

I have a very difficult time processing in the middle of mayhem so any separation I can have/make helps me - lunch with a trusted friend, meeting(s), walks, etc.

Trust your HP to get you through this, one day at a time! We're here for you.

ocean:

sending you thoughts of strength.  I have been where you are and understand completely.  The only thing that helped when AH would say those things and the begging and bargaining-- the only thing that DOES help is for me to remember it's the disease doing the talking.  So very very difficult not to get pulled in.  You have the strength and we are here with you.  You are not alone

Mary

A very pithy saying that i heard at a meeting might apply here. If u find your alcholic knows where your buttons of weakness are...change your buttons location

Hi again,

Please understand that many, if not most, of us have been in similar situations with our a spouses. I say this with love because, I too was so incredibly lost (even though I knew what I really needed to do).

To be incredibly honest, things did not go as I planned, however, my HP led me to a different path and (feeling I could not do anththing without a HP), I followed that lead. Thinks are entirely different now, BUT, your situation is so much worse than mine. Most of my earlier "hell" about unfaithfulness was my own doing. By this, I mean my own insecurities led me to accuse and "hell hack" my ah until he actually led me to believe there was someone else. The culmination of that situation was NOT GOOD for either of us. It led to a physical confrontation (because I took his property (work cell phone) and began searching for "proof". He was drunk, angry, and tired of trying to defend actions. Don't get me wrong, he was in no way blameless! Just as soon as he shoved me into a wall and snatched the phone from me (especially after the third time in a row), I called the police and had him arrested. It was almost impossible to undo that decision, because domestic violence is very serious and nothing to play with. Looking back, that never should have happened and it wouldn't have, if I had not been constantly accusing him of something and constantly acting like a crazy town resident.

Physical violence of any sort is never ok and I still do not regret taking a stand, because it made a point (That's for sure), and it did change the dynamics a great deal, but I wish I had found alanon first and I truly don't believe it would have come to that. You see, I pushed his buttons too! I pushed so hard with my venomous words and hurtful tongue lashings that I was somehow trying to break the man I only wanted to show me love. That doesn't make much sense does it? I did it though for a long long time.

I have, through the years, had times when I thought divorce was the only option (as you so obviously feel) and perhaps I was warrented simply because we made each other so very unhappy. In your case, however, you are so much further down that road than I ever was. I did go seek a lawyer (The very day my AH was arrested for his DUI) and I fully intended to follow through. It was only by him hitting bottom (partially because I didn't fall for the "I can't live without you" and other blah, blah, blah they tell us to get out of trouble). I refused to help this time and I threw him out, because I had to. It wasn't to hurt him anymore, this was different. It was the only way I could even think to have a moment where he was not in mind playing those "ah word and emotion games". The attempts to manipulate were horrible (on his part). By the Grace of God, I had gotten myself to alanon and attended several meetings when we had the "domestic" issues a few years before. That gave me the strength and the knowledge to make him handle his own problems (as much as I could without ruining my own life). He did reach out (without me to help him - although if I am perfectly honest, I did agree to "support him in treatment", but I didn't lie and say that meant I intended to stop with my efforts for divorce. I fully intended to follow through and would have without regret. It had reached that point.

The only thing that made me wait was seeing first hand a "drowning man" clawing his way out of a black pit of despair he had dug himself into one day at a time. He is still working on that, attending meetings, doing kind things for others (including me), going to social community events, showing empathy and understanding for the first time ever and handling his own affairs (not inappropriate) one day at a time.

If you feel you are ready to take this step, then you are. Don't let other people confuse you by trying to change your mind or talk you out of what you know is right for you. Only you know and only you can decide. Once you have done what you need to do, you can begin to heal. Sitting in limbo being bombarded with guilt sessions and other manipulation will only make you feel worse. I'm sad to say that the alcoholic has a bag of tricks they can pull from which we would never even think of. It's rather amazing honestly, because we stop giving them credit for being intelligent, but they must have something really powerful about them, because they almost always find a way to manipulate us into doing or giving them what they want. Perhaps it is because the disease is fighting for its very life.

I don't know how or why, but I do know you are much stronger than you think and that you CAN do what you know needs to be done. You must do something to break this cycle of misery and if that means somebody moves out, so be it.

You have many supporters here who understand that feeling of hopelessness and helplessness, but it is just a feeling and this too shall pass. You CAN do this and you CAN find peace, serenity, and happiness for you and your child.

God bless you and your family!