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I am so angry at my AH right now I want to scream. I had an unexpected family visit last night. A few people were in town and wanted to get together. My AH had other plans that included him staying home so I didn't push him and I wasn't angry about that at all (in the past I would have been fuming that he wouldn't come out for dinner with my family). I invited my family members back to my house afterwards to visit. He was home and was in a bad mood. I don't know if he had been drinking because I don't bother to concern myself with monitoring that but that was likely the case. He sat in the room and barely participated in the conversation. He then told us he was going outside to talk to a friend. He avoided my family. Even that I wasn't mad about. It was a bit awkward to deal with but it is up to him how he chooses to behave with my family and at least he wasn't starting arguments or making nasty comments that can happen at times. I was disappointed but not mad. Then after everyone left his bad mood came out and was taken out on me. He start to criticize everything I had done from paying for my family dinner to how I closed the cupboard door, I felt very belittled and controlled. He made angry, frustrated comments, he got even more frustrated when I temporarily forgot to read over something he asked me to read for him (because you know his minor needs should have taken priority over seeing family that is in town maybe once a year). It was that eggshells feeling I used to have I felt flustered and confused for a few moments. Then he expected me to come to bed and cuddle up like nothing happened. So I said no. I didn't want to go to bed. He asked me if I was angry. I said yes I was angry with how he had just treated me. He of course told me he hadn't treated me that way denied his bad behaviour and I just told him I'm not discussing it right now. He then came down and told me if I was mad that I shouldn't read over the thing he had wanted me to. Because in the past that would have really upset me if he blocked my ability to help him. I just said ok and left it. I stayed up late watching TV. I woke up so very angry this morning and dead tired. But I told myself I wasn't going to react. I was just going to feel my feelings and stay out of a fight.
Before I was in this program that night would have gone very differently. I would have guilted him into coming out for dinner. I would have walked on eggshells the whole night because after he had been forced to come out for dinner he would have been in a very surly mood and I wouldn't want my family to see that for some reason. He would have drank excessively at dinner and after dinner. He would have ruined my night with my family and then I would have felt the need to retaliate against him. Our fight would have blown up into a screaming match (well I would have been screaming). I would spend the whole night trying to explain to him what he did wrong until he "understood" I would have trotted out all the times I was courteous and friendly and engaging with his family etc etc. He would have sat back and watched me go further and further into crazy behaviour to make my point to him. So I guess it went a lot better for me now that I am writing this. I feel the anger lessening. OK so now I can see the positives. I was able to enjoy my time with my family and him not coming out for dinner allowed me to relax more than I would have if he had come along. He didn't interfere or ruin my time with my family. I got to enjoy all of it with no problems, no concerns, no bad behaviour. I also didn't loose my cool last night or this morning and get to be the crazy one in the whole situation. I always used to find that he would do something to upset me. I would get mad and act out about it. Then everything he did would be forgotten and I would be apologizing for yelling, or screaming or saying something mean. It was very convenient for him when I was the crazy one. This morning I can see him wanting to talk to me. Trying to figure out what went wrong. I'm still not going to engage in it. I'm still to angry to discuss it with him. But I have been courteous and not seething at all. WHen I woke up I told myself I was giving this up to HP to deal with because I can't manage it. And I felt pretty calm. When I wanted to start an argument I kept myself busy instead.
Thanks for reading. I know it's a small thing based on what many of you are dealing with. But it helps to put it out there.
KT2015 - Yay for processing and feeling calm. I am one who views ANY obstacle that keeps me from serenity is a big deal, so sharing where you are is always welcome!
My AH doesn't like to be too social at all. So, when he began to avoid family functions years ago, I too was hurt. Of course, what I've since figured out is it's truly more enjoyable for me when he doesn't go. If he doesn't want to be there, no matter where there is, everyone can 'see' it - he's non-social, almost pouting like a teen. So, I am more calm and it's more enjoyable when he doesn't go - I stay as long as I want vs. leaving when he is ready, and so many other +s here.
Alcoholics, active or not, are excellent button pushers. I believe part of this is an addiction to chaos/drama. It's not malicious or intentional (thought out). They, like us, are not used to calm, peace, etc. so they stir the pot. Mine are always doing, saying, acting to see if they can get a reaction from me - almost like sport. It's immature and annoying, but this program gives me the power to choose to engage, disengage and/or walk away. When I take the high road, and don't engage, the whole situation tends to just blow over. It's a gift I truly treasure from this program.
So glad that you can look at this event, and see your growth. That's what it's all about - progress....not perfection. Keep taking care of you and keep working your program. So sorry for your anger and situation, but you can see that just what you did differently resulting in a different outcome - perfect....nope - but what is?
(((Hugs))) to you - practice self-care today and trust your program and HP - you'll keep growing and changing!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you so much for your reply. Button pushing is exactly what it is. I guess it's just sad to accept that fact. But you're right its better when I leave him at home. It's better for me.
My sponsor once asked me if I knew what wire snips were and of course I did I responded...I had several pairs in fact. He then told me if you can imagine taking those snips and cutting off the wires in the back of my buttons they then wouldn't work when my alcoholic/addict tried pushing on them. That works!!
You call this a small thing...lol...I was reading and getting pissed as your alcoholic went after the buttons I have left. This one for me would have been huge and I would have had him hanging in the smoke shed. You survived it YAY!! good for your program work. As I read I got the impression that your alcoholic know a thing or two about narcissism that I am great and well put together personality. HA!! Out to the smoke house ham!!
I think I will duplicate your behavior today KT...((((hugs))))
It's always a good policy to do what is right for you. But, especially when your buttons are being pushed. My XAH was always pushing my buttons and I learned so many tools in Al Anon to help me handle his passive aggressive behavior. Unfortunately, he didn't like it and kept trying to get me to engage. I stopped taking the bait, I learned to walk away, I went to more meetings, and I found my serenity. good for you for taking care of yourself!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thanks everyone. He was mad and avoiding me the rest of the day yesterday. This morning I suggested we talk about it. He told me he was angry how things went too. I expressed what I was upset about. He denied my right to any of my feelings. Then he told me that because I did what he asked and stopped proofreading for him that I let him down. He said how he always tries to convince me out of my crazy shoot myself in the foot behaviour. I told him I want that stuff to stop. He said he hopes it doesn't bite me in the ass. There was no reasoning with him or sorting it out. It makes me wonder why I am even inthis.marriage. Our anniversary is in a couple of days and I do t even want to look at him right now.
You sound so much like me. I could've written every word you have written today (and yesterday) LOL
That was several months ago, thankfully, and I don't feel the need to have those conversations anymore. My AH has been working the program for over six months now and things in our home HAVE changed. He would play on my guilty feelings and I always reviewed everything he turned in before he sent it in for work. I typed every paper & every letter and drafted every email. I was medically retired, in constant pain, finishing my own masters degree, and still doing all of his work for him (While he got accolades for my effort). Just after I finished my Masters, he even insisted I get his college degree for him online. That was a breaking point!!! He still does not have a degree.
Now, he does his own work. He has learned how to use the computer (even though he doesn't have a secretary anymore), has learned to be more responsible for his own actions, and handles his own doctors appointments, responsibilities, schedule, and everything else that pertains to him. Don't get me wrong, I am more than happy to proofread very important documents for him if he asks. On very rare occasions, he still does. These are not demands, however, they are simple request that he makes and he always prefaces it by saying "when you have a chance or if you are not busy, could you please" . You can safely say that life is better. Until I started actively studying and reading the AA big book, the AA literature and the Al-Anon literature I could not understand how much I was hurting him and me, let alone the example I was setting for our daughter.
Please do not take offense. I am not criticizing in any way. It is just that I have been where you are and it wasn't very long ago.
I remember very clearly feeling the need to discuss it the next morning and getting exactly what you got. I think our feelings were very close. When I stopped accepting his responsibility and just let him do his own work, he learned. He had no other choice. I now realize that I had taken that away from him by treating him like he was not smart enough. He is very very intelligent, but he was not raised in a home that valued higher education. Today, is very very different.
Earlier this week, while he was traveling, we had a miscommunication. In past times, I would have questioned, griped, b******, and had phone war until we got in a huge fight or he hung up on me. This time, I told him I could not talk to him anymore and wished him good night. I sent one and only one text which said more or less that I love him and I hope to hear from him when he has cleared his head. I said what I meant to say and I did not say it mean. It worked!!! (You see, I'm still working on this part and the outcome is amazing to me.)
What I am trying to say is that you can't reason with an addict no matter how logical you are, they're not going to see your logic. That is how they survive. I now realize how much I was contributing to the problem. I do not in any way accept his alcoholism as mine. I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it. That is on him. The only thing I can control is me. When that realization finally came to me, it was like opening all the windows in a stale old house and letting the air in so I could breathe. He is responsible for himself.
I am a work in progress. I know we all are. The serenity prayer keeps me as sane as I can be. Every day I have to remind myself that my actions have consequences. His actions have consequences, but they are his own. And, these consequences all affect our daughter. Al-Anon and the literature in particular has given me a way out of a situation that was completely lost & I hope you will find that it does the same for you. I cannot promise your husband will ever stop drinking, because that's what alcoholics do, but I can promise that you will feel very different inside by keeping with the program and finding ways to make yourself feel better. It feels wonderful not to live a lie anymore. No pretending, just honesty and living day by day!
What a lovely share and I thank you for taking the time to write your ESH....Your program growth is awesome and I can relate to your realizations and experience.
When I changed, things changed. Whether others are or are not in recovery or in 'want' of change, the dynamics change. It's so refreshing and I believe it gives us a reason to keep coming back and wanting to get more recovery/more better!
KT2015 -
Letting go is not always easy, but practicing it will give you self-love like no other. My sponsor used to ask me if I wanted to be right or if I wanted to be happy. I would say happy but my actions didn't always align with that. When I chose to not react, not argue, not justify, not rationalize, and just 'be' I truly understood that happiness and serenity are a choice. It starts with me and permeates in my actions, thoughts and deeds.
(((Hugs))) for you and prayers for peace!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you I am here. That is a good way to look at it. Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy lol. I always thought the former would bring the latter but that is really not the case. Thank you!
KT2015 - I remember thinking as you did too - when I am right, I am happy.....not so really. Deep down I was frustrated with how much effort and drama it took to 'be right'.....This program has given me so many simple phrases to be able to just step aside and avoid arguments/being right. I still (in my mind/heart) know that I am probably right - I just choose to no longer need them to align with me.
I love saying, "You may be right" to the craziest of statements/thoughts/perceptions from my qualifiers. When they have no additional response, a part of me believes they were actually bored and wanting some drama for the moment.
The more I practice not engaging, the more peace I have and my home has.
(((Hugs))) to you - choose happiness - it's so worth it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Iamhere That is so helpful. I love that "you may be right". My AH and I had so much tension between us last night I couldn't even sleep in the same bed. I didn't want to fight I just couldn't be there last night. This morning I woke up with a better perspective on the whole thing. I woke up with that knot in my stomach because my AH has been pushing my buttons lately but then I realized that I don't have to react when he does it. So I started off my morning much better than I had yesterday and the day before. I need to detach more. Any suggestions on how to do this would be very helpful. I feel like when we argue I get to a point where I can detach and then later when things are good I get all wrapped up in him again. How do you maintain the detachment?
So this morning when I could feel my old buttons being pushed I just didn't respond. I don't know if I can go as far as saying "you may be right" that just might be too much to be able to do but I can certainly not push my point or my perception down his throat like I always want to. I really like the saying say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean. So I am working away at that. I am working to not engage. It is really challenging at times.
My best suggestions are all program related......the only way I know to detach and protect 'me' is to reaffirm each morning and/or moment in the day when I begin to loose myself to another. My days begin with asking HP to lead me through out the day and end with thanking HP for his grace and goodness in getting me through the day.
If I keep in mind that I only "have to" for this day only, I am so much better able to live in the moment with grace and dignity. When I feel myself slipping into old habits, behaviors, etc. I stop, pause, remove myself and regain my spiritual center.
It's a persistent habit that I practice all the time - over time it becomes more natural/automatic. Do I slip? Yes. Do I make mistakes? Yes. Do I accept myself as human? Yes. I am grateful for progress vs. perfection as it allows me to keep learning and growing, one day at a time!
(((KT2015))) - so glad that you woke up in a different place. Sleeping in a different place is a tool - removing yourself from the diseased/chaos. Departing from the room is an excellent step in setting boundaries when things/discussions are unacceptable to you. For me, stating what I mean nicely is as few words as possible, such as, "I am sleeping in another room tonight, as I am really tired and don't want to .............................(argue, discuss, debate, etc.)
You're heading in the right direction! Keep seeking answers in the program and through program friends/sponsor and you'll find it all worth it.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
a alanon saying ive heard is" if someone pushes your buttons,just change their location" my ah today is displaying his alcoholic behavior strong today with anger,resentment,rudeness etc so im practicing hard not to take it personally and walk away[sometimes physically and sometimes mentally
