My AH relapsed many times, until finally I made use of my Plan B and separated.  He also hid the drinking from me at all times.  So it took me a little time to catch on, but not much.  He would be behaving just a little funny, or there would be one word slurred in a conversation, or whatever.  I made the mistake of asking him if he was drinking, and of course he always got angry and denied it.  But then I did what we're usually advised not to do: I snooped.  He would duck out of the room - "I'm just going to check something in the back yard" or "I'm just going to go down and see if the laundry's done" - and later I'd check the back yard or the laundry room.  And sure enough, snooping found bottles.  Not always - because I think he was quite clever about hiding them - but even once was enough to tell me that my suspicions were correct, and multiple times just confirmed it.

However, if I hadn't found bottles, I think I only would have snooped if I had had reasons to do so, like the odd behavior.  If he's sober and stays sober, obviously continued snooping on our part, past a certain point, is only us driving ourselves crazy.

In my case, though, the snooping was sadly correct.  And I did feel as if I needed to know, because we had a small child.  And in fact he did endanger the child several times before I really put all the pieces together.  Fortunately our child escaped harm.  But in those circumstances, I do think caution is justified.  Take good care of yourself.

Hi Jazzie,

I know that not every situation is the same, but I find that if my gut is telling me he's been drinking, it's usually true.  My AH quit drinking in June and had what his counselor called a "therapuetic relapse" in late August.  I guess he just got curious about what would happen if he had a few drinks and decided to give it a try. 

Anyway, I got home later that day and could tell he'd been drinking, not because he was stumbling drunk or anything like that.  It was little things, like he repeated himself a couple of times, his voice was a little louder.  When I asked him if he'd been drinking, he denied it, got defensive, and tried to lay a guilt trip on me about how hard he worked just to make me happy.  That told me that my instincts were totally right.  He was doing a smoke-in-mirrors routine, trying to get the attention off of him by laying a guilt trip on me and pointing out how mean and unfair I was being.  He admitted to the relapse 10 days later.

I don't really think that a recovering alcoholic who's truly working their program and staying sober will get angry if a spouse or someone else close to them asks (not accuses) if they've been drinking.  I noticed that any other time I needed reassurance and asked my AH if he'd been drinking, he'd calmly tell me no and assure me that, given the past, I have every right to be concerned and to ask.  I think that if they really have nothing to hide and are working on being in a healthier place, they will see that the question is coming from a place of concern and not react angrily or defensively.

Like you, I have a young son and need to know right away if my husband has been drinking so I can make sure my child is safe and as unaffected by it as possible. When my AH reacted the way he did to my question when he relapsed, I knew that until he was ready to be honest about what happened and seek addtional help (which he has), I had to rearrange my schedule to make sure that I was the one driving my child to and from daycare and taking him to appointments.  So, in my situation, flat out asking is what has worked best so far.  It's kept me from obsessing about it.  Even when he denied he'd been drinking when he relapsed, his reaction to the question was all the answer I needed. 

Thanks everyone for your wise insight. I prayed on it yesterday and feel much better about it today. I actually really don't think he has been drinking. I think my anxiety got the better of me and I started over thinking and over worrying. I do realize that it is up to him and that it is completely out of my hands. He can chose to pick up a drink at anytime that he wants to and I won't be able to stop him. I think this whole thing is showing me that I need to stop casastophizing the future and to pray to my higher power more. I just wish I wasn't dealing with this with little kids. That just adds a whole other layer of worry to it but I just need to focus on today and try to get to more f-2-f meetings. Thanks again for all your replies.

Be gentle with yourself. My hubby got angry with me once and accused me of "always waiting for the other shoe to drop," and I responded, "because it always does!". It took time. It is a survival technique to be prepared for the worst. Even the Boy Scouts say to be prepared. Hurricanes? Be prepared.

But this anxiety is just fruitless and pointless. And you will eventually understand that. If he chooses to drink it is on him. There will be consequences. But I don't have to wait around for it to happen. I choose to be happy for today.

I'd like to ask a question with those who have a plan B and have used it. I've discussed with my AW that is back from a month and a half of rehab that spent most of our savings that I need some agreement if things happen again. I need to be able to sell our house to pay bills. I need to be able to take my fair share and move on if I have to. When is the best time to approach this seriously. There never seems to be. Clearly not when its too late but I also don't want to hurt her recovery with such negative thoughts....but she needs to be able to handle this and just as important, I need to take care of myself so I can have some peach of mind. We have a fairly complex structure (her children live with us, mine with their mother) so I also want an agreement that if she goes away again, her childrens father has to step in and take them...even though he's an hour away. On the plus side, she seems to be doing well...though she hasn't found a sponsor yet. Any experiences anyone could share would be welcome. Thanks!

UVA25,
I have read all these posts about relapse and my heart is hurting as I can't quit thinking about tomorrow (instead of staying in today). My husband spent 6 weeks in rehab (2 weeks in a hospital detoxing-medical induced coma), never really "surrendered" but did what was asked of him at rehab. His counselor recommended he go to extended treatment but he refused to be away from our 3 children. He started drinking a week after he came home. I called a counselor and both of us went to talk to him. My husband continued to see him and went to a few meetings. This was in Nov of 2014. Dec 28th he got picked up for DUI coming home from an AA meeting and spent 3 days in jail. I refused to bail him out when he called. I was so angry. Six weeks with the kids, working full time etc was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Why didn't he take his recovery serious??? After jail, he was put on 1 yr probation with a scram unit (ankle monitor that would pick up even one sip of alchol). If he drank, he was going to jail for 30 days. He started going to meetings, counselor, and psychiatrist. His "motivation" slowly went down hill and is now doing nothing (working no program). He still has not drank but I feel he is just holding on until the monitor comes off Dec 31. I am concerned about the kids safety as he drank in the car and drove after drinking often. The last month before rehab I finally stepped in and would not allow him to transport kids anywhere. His drinking mainly is outside as he mows, cuts wood etc. He is outside as much as possible and would not drink much in front of me and would lie to me about how much he had. He was up to 20-30 beers a day at his worst. He would say he hadn't been drinking and I would look in his car and see a case of cold beer almost gone. He still said it wasn't from today and denied drinking it even when it was cold from the store!! So...my question is how/what boundaries do I set. Our house is built on his family's property and I know he won't leave. I can't imagine leaving with my three kids. We really haven't talked much these first few months of recovery because I knew it would all take time. I know I need to talk to him and be clear about my boundaries if he does drink. It makes no sense to me that he is doing nothing towards his recovery. He is not using any of the tools he has been given and I know from what I have learned that the relapse rate is pretty high. He is a wonderful person, great father and great husband. The kids adore him and he is very involved in everything they do. Our house has been so pleasant the last several months. I forgot how funny and smart he was. Without the alchohol all of his positives are shining through. So what do I tell him I will do if he drinks again???

Hi there,

I am going to a divorce attorney tomorrow just to get my ducks in a row and know what steps to take if he decides to drink again and no alcohol is my firm boundary. The tension has been building on this subject and it feels like the "elephant in the room".  I brought the subject up last night because I feel that he has no clue that he may lose his family due to his decision to drink. He acts as if life is status quo. The problem with this is I feel that I was threatening him. If I make him leave, am I doing this as leverage to get him to make a life change and quick drinking (control) or am I doing this because this is not how I want to live? It is so difficult.....I just want our family to stay together. I would think he would be doing everything possible to be proactive about not drinking but it looks to me like he is just waiting for the next thing to happen. Our poor kids...I'm so afraid of that this will do to them....

Allison - (((Hugs))) to you ... I completely understand your internal debate.

I worked with my sponsor to set up my boundaries. She truly helped me make them about self-protection instead of punishment for my qualifier(s). In my case, I made my boundary statements using I (vs. you) and said them as firmly and nicely as possible.

"This is a sober home. I can no longer be around any alcohol or anyone consuming it. If this doesn't work for you, you need to find another place to live."

The above is close to what I told both of my sons. They chose to cross the boundary and I gave them notice and made them leave. I did not pack their stuff nor did I help them find another place.

It was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I made it about me and how I choose to live. I did learn to not set boundaries I could not enforce or live with.

Keep coming back - others may have more insight for you!