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I haven't posted in awhile. Things seemed to be going well until last night. My husband and I have been seperated for 4 months. I began to spend weekends with him in January. We were getting along so well. We began talking about getting back together last month but a gut instinct told me that it wasn't time. My husband is one of those no matter how small the argument is or what it's about he says he wants a divorce everytime we argue. We got into an argument last night about sex. My husband is 7 yrs. older than I am and between that and his drinking, lets just say we don't have the same sex drive. This has always been one of our problems (among several others). Because of the argument my husband went into my purse and got my keys and took the house key off and told me to get out and that things just were not going to work between us. Earlier in the evening he was asking me about moving back in together. So now once again I have allowed myself to be hurt by this man. I am back on the merry-go-round.
The first thing I thought of was a slogan that I learned in Alanon. Q-Tip, quit taking it personal. I seem to have a problem with that though. I know that it was probably his alcoholism talking but I still let it hurt me. I feel like I have taken one step forward and two steps back.
My husband will now give me the silent treatment anywhere from a few days to maybe a few weeks. I just wish that I could just let this be the end so I don't have to go thru this anymore. Any ESH you could give me would be greatly appreciated.
Only you can say when you have had enough. I have been on that emotional rollercoaster before and it took me a long time but I had to make it stop. You say you wish you could let this be the end. Why not let it be then? If you know in your gut that it is not going to work out why keep punishing yourself? Life is too short and one thing is for sure...he is not going to change as long as he is drinking.
I was always really afraid to be alone. Now I revel in it. I have time for me and I feel more relaxed and in control. It is a good feeling.
Hi JulieLynn.... No judgement here, just hopefully a little bit of reflection and awareness.... I would encourage you to re-read your post, right from the comments about "we were getting along so well"..... and with a small twist...
Try reading this from a perspective of an outsider, about a person whom you love very deeply (i.e. your sister, or a close girlfriend). Try asking yourself it this is 'good enough' or acceptable treatment of a person who deserves to be treated with respect and love....
I needed to use this technique, for me, because I was so wrapped up in my sickness, that I couldn't recognize my A's behaviors and acidity for what it was - complete and utterly unacceptable. Cutting away all the emotions here, your post says, in a nutshell.... "he treated me like crap, we separated, I missed him, he still treats me like crap, and now I'm surprised"
I don't mean the above flippantly or disrespectful to you at all... we have all been there... hopefully just helps you with some perspective...
Yours in Al-Anon,
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
i agree with julia she said............"If you know in your gut that it is not going to work out why keep punishing yourself? Life is too short and one thing is for sure...he is not going to change as long as he is drinking.I was always really afraid to be alone. Now I revel in it. I have time for me and I feel more relaxed and in control. It is a good feeling.
>>>>>rosie......when the pain gets bad enough, we will change.....not b4...its too bad we have to have it SO bad b4 we get off our asses and take care of ourselves.....i have been there...doen that with my EX and yes, the pain got bad enough, i left, gave up and went my way........i am alone now...and i am FINE with it....no BS abuse....no drinking....no watching him talk to the tv cuz he is so s***faced to know the diference.....all that is gone...just me/ my pets, and my PEACE!!!! i am not sure i even WANT to try again with anyone.........its in hp's hands..........good luck, rosie
Hi Julie, Sorry you are having so much trouble and disappointment, I love you, you know that right give me a call do you want to go to meeting tonight??? doozee/Jackie
My A can do very very similar stuff we can go from one moment from We to his stating that he has not wanted the relationship for years and heap a bunch of blame on me. I think it is called all or nothing thinking. I have had it too otherwise I would not be prepared to deal with it. I have tremendous abandonment issues and those sudden abandonments would put me literally into crisis. I would have to spend ages, days weeks getting msyelf grounded again.
My A would also specialize in the silent treatment. He knew how to turn it on because of course I am an open book on abandonment. He would also declare that the relationship was over. Ironically I never have but the issue for me in relationship is when it is over it is really over. Due to my abandonment issues that usually means after 16 rounds.
I have not really learned negotiation skills and anger management skills because of my abandonment issues. I just go all out to avoid any semblance of abandonment which means that really I will put up with a whole lot.
For me the whole reconcilation issue can take on a life of its own. I can be totally committed because of course fear and abandonment rule my life. There is no sense of negotiating my needs, or setting fair fight standards because I will do anything to not be abandoned. I am also of course very very dependent on his view of me. Since I have been coming to this room I have felt included (which was a huge issue for me since childhood) and I have not needed or even asked for the a's validation.
I am super focsued on my self care and my plan such that it is - I have a very rudimentary plan of self care.
So where is your plan a and b when these weekends fall apart Do you have a plan b perhaps that would help.
I would not necessarily urge for you to finish with the A and take the time to think about what you want but you could come up with a plan b when these thing happen so you are not left with your abandonment/panic/fear/rage all alone. For me a relationship is over when I know it and somehow that seems to get worked out in the process. Right now many of my plans include detaching and separating myself from the a so I am in a position to leave him so I can make a real informed choice about that.
I think leaving for me is a complicated issue. For someone like me with abandonment issues it is very important that I be strategic and tactical in my leaving anyone lest I throw myself into crisis.
We're giving people and it's second nature to us to absorb guilt in our quest to make things better. It comes with our territory,but we can change it with our friends' help and HP.
Julie, always keep this in mind.HE is the one who pressed the issue of getting back together. HE is the one with the unacceptable behaviour. If he feels your discomfort with the silent treatment it will only strengthen his warped sense of justification. Somehow,someway YOU need to let him know (as well as feeling it genuinely within yourself) those old behaviours don't affect you. His power in his 'tantrums' are falling on deaf ears. In their selfishness they will constantly try to convince themselves, as well as others, that they are right. Brats and Bullies scream and throw fits. Wise people and those secure in the knowledge of what is right don't need to act out. He may be older, but his behaviour is obviously immature. I've had a few older A's...each close or over 20 years older than myself..where once I had been intimidated, I now stand confident and understand they had been stuck at a younger stage in their life due to their illness.
Please remember...HE's asking to come back//he needs to learn...or better yet, YOU need to learn that you deserve the respect for him,or anyone, to respect you as a human being and to act accordingly.Other than that, garbage like this has no business paying rent in your life.Take care,dear and good luck.
