The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling alone and down today. I had a crappy weekend with the guy I have been seeing. He got wasted on Saturday at this benefit, danced with this married woman and I got jealous and felt ignored. He did only dance once with her, and use to work with her..but it bothered me...Maybe because I don't feel secure enough in this relationship... I tried very hard to not let my feelings show as that nite was the first time I met his parents..I hate what the alcohol is doing and have never confronted him about it, but feel I want to. Maybe I have this fear of him leaving and never coming back if I do approach him about him drinking. I know I by expressing myself that is taking care of me.
I love this man and maybe I shouldn't, but my heart tells me to wait ...we talk alot and I feel there could be hope left that one day he will take a look at himself ... I know I need to attend meetings and have not been lately..
It hurts so much as the booze comes first, I come second to him. I want to find the strength to not let this get to me, as I know I can't deal with it most days. I pray today that I take care of me and know god will do the right thing for both he and I ...I have hope yet. Take care all ...and have a great day..Diane
As a new member of this board, the one thing I can tell you is you are not alone here.
"Reading" him to gain an expectation of if he will change or not doesn't sound like part of the program...
- Are you happy being with him just the way he is.
- Are you taking care of you in spite of his behavior, or changing your behavior (or hiding your feelings) because of his behavior?
Like I said, I am new to the program, so take anything I say with a grain of salt ( LOL ) But I look to this board to help me not jump right back into the same old things I have done in the past that were not healthy for me. That has helped me so much.
Search your heart and your HP, not his bloodshot eyes for your answers.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Are you happy with the person he is at this moment in time? Often we feel that people will change if we just do this, show them that or stop doing something they dislike. The sad fact is that by accepting the behavior in the beginning, they think you will accept it forever. Are you willing to just sit back and hope he changes? Do you want to be in a relationship where you feel lonely and don't feel as if you are a priority. Keep coming back here. It helps. Take care of yourself, it's the only thing you have control over.
You are not alone, and you are in the right place.
Telling him about how his drinking makes you feel probably will do no good. He needs to decide that for himself.
If you are not happy with the way he is treating you in the beginning of a relationship, he probably will get worse, not better. People tend to put their best foot forward in a new relationship. You have to decide what makes you happy and what you can tolerate.
Taking care of yourself should be your number 1 priority.
I have been tremendously insecure in my relationship with the A especially in social settings. I can feel totally left out and abandoned. I think much of that goes back to my family of origin and I have been working on that issue very very hard and identified many many patterns. The linking really helps me. As a recovering people pleaser I can also relate to wanting to impress the parents. I did so want for someone to replace and substitute for the parents I could not have in my family of origin. I used to go all out for the A's mother. Over the years I began to see who she was (I believe she is an alcoholic too). I stopped people pleasing and then went into enormous resentment which was probably just as toxic.
Really the person I have had to confront the most about anyone's behavior has been me. What are my limits, what are my boundaries. There are some places like work and home where I do not have the kind of boundaries I really want to have. I am working on having better choices in that regard. I am working on setting limits and boundaries with myself and working on ways to nuture myself so I am not so dependent on those who seem to be able to read me like a book.
I know I have permitted my A to act like he can put everyone before me. These days I do not question him that much about who he is with and when. I also do not go out of my way to find out who he is working and socializing with because I can literally let that become some huge mountain between us. I also work hard on making my own connections. Recently I acquired a sponsor and I work pretty diligently on making recovery partners. I do not rely on him to be my only support person. I cannot rely on him I know that much so that is self destructive.
Then I stop turning it all on me. There is no question I am too reliant on the A I am changing that it does not happen overnight. I have envy and insecurity issues left over from my childhod I am changing that which also does not happens overnight. I do not have to crucify myself because I am not perfect.
Hello Everyone,
