The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you for those who helped me think more clearly last night. You were right, I knew what to do, but had a difficult time doing it. I find that is generally the case. So I knew he had taken pills, what difference would have made if he had admitted it except it's something else to throw in his face when I'm angry. I do that enough as it is. It causes anger and resentment in him and in me. He wanted to go 4-wheeling with my son and I wouldn't let him ride my son's/ I had jsut bought my son a new 4-wheeler last week and did not want him to wreck it or break it. He became angry, but I stuck to my decision. I did not even tell him why I made the decision, just stuck to it.
The thing I have the most difficulty with is that we say that the addiction is their business and between them and their HP, but it effects us, so how can it not be our business. I know that my behavior can either maginify the problem or lessen the impact on the children and myself. I have told myself that the next time I suspect I will keep my mouth closed and continue about my day. It's so hard for my not to react because his speech becomes slurred and I can't stand that sound. It tends to make me very irritable.
Powerless your post hit a cord with me. I often thought my A would never and I mean never... own any of our relationship woes.
I would fling past hurts and what I perceived as wrong doings at him during angry moments. So maybe he was protecting himself not giving me any ammunition, even though the ammunition may have been deserved on my part. Then I try to think back as to what came first the chicken or the egg. Did he fling at me first then I started flinging back in defense. Either way someone needs to stop flinging.
(((powerless)))) i know the feeling. My husband is a pill popper and a pill theif as well. It's a bit different then just drinking to be around in the since that i never knew if in fact he was high or not. I never knew when to "protect" my kids or me when it came to his driving or anything else that might put us in dangers way.
A couple things came to mind when i read your post. First of was "Detachment with Love" as a tool to use. It can be a hard one to master, but the more you practice it, the better you get at it. You can apply "JADE" (you dont have to Justify Argue Defend or Explain" your actions when it comes to talking to him about decisions you made. For me personally, i have a hard time making a decision and then not talking it out clearly why i made it. In such a situation, i can call my sponsor to get a 3rd party's view without any of the emotions involved, then if i still feel i need to talk to my a about my actions, i will try to do so with the "say what i mean, mean what i say, and dont say it mean" in mind.
It's a good thing to speak your mind, and it is not your job to protect him from the outcome of his actions. If you feel you your son or you personal belongings will be put in a spot to be injured or broke, saying so doesn't seem out of line to me. just my opinion of course.