The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've always liked those slogans, but always found them a bit harder for me to work. I think it's so easy for me being an alanoner to look at other's actions and see how bad they are, and in turn, make myself the victim.
Like my brother for example, he's an alcoholic, i am not. He's always getting into trouble, lossing jobs, jumping from house to house ect ect. His actions somehow make me look like the "good kid," as though somehow i did something to give myself that title, i gladly make myself feel good with it. Being married to an a, his sickness was so obvious to see when he was active, others would come to me, trina, why do you stay, you dont deserve that, he's just a drunk ect ect ect. Somehow, without me doing anything at all, i got to be the victim even though i was just as sick.
It's so easy for me to take these roles that i was given by others and run with, attach myself to them and go along with them. When i came to alanon i was taught to look at myself, to adjust the focus of my attention back towards myself instead of where i had always gotten attention from others for, everyone elses mistakes and sicknesses.
Knowing that this is a defect of mine, i have been looking where else i do this and have found out that it was with many of the relationships that went bad in my life. It was always "their" fault; they did this, they did that, they are this; they are that. This program tells me that my focus is to stay on me, my actions, my reactions, my words, my actions, my life and no one elses.
My inlaws came over for dinner tonight. whew, it went really really really good. I was able to apply the "let it begin with me" and i did "keep the focus." I have been practicing these 2 slogans with that relationship for a few months now, omg what a difference. I use to have all these resentments, all these hurts that "they" caused. lol of course. But when i shifted my focus from "them" to "me," what a difference. I have my own actions that i needed to make amends for, nothing big, but none the less, things that i am responsible to clean up even if it really was only 5%, i'm responsible for it. The good part is, when i take responsibility for that 5%, i get to let the other 95% go.
Anyway, i'm rambeling here, but what i'm getting at, is that it only takes 1 person in recovery for things to get better. My recovery has brought my family a healing relationship with grandma and grandpa, and all because i finally let go of my pride and let it begin with me.
What a simple program we have, and omg how good it works, when we choose to work it.
thanks for listening to me ramble,
God loves ya i love ya, and there aint a darn thing you can do about it, Trina
Wow Trina Thanks you so much for rambling on you are so right when I focus on me and take responsiblity for my actions then i am (finally learning to let go of the rest)! i too have taken on the victim role but i am also taken on "the good girl" role too and if my family only knew what i was going through deep down inside they might change there mind.. But really i am learning I am not the Victim and I am not responsible for there actions or there happiness that is between them and Hp....
I am HORRIBLE about pointing at others for making the same mistakes that I was well this weekend i learned that i really NEED to keep the focus on me and STOP and pointing the fingers at others That I need to work out my problems with HP... and that is truely what I am doing!!!
I sure wish I would have known this 28 years ago. How many of us say that LOL. I had no idea I was marrying into an alcoholic family even though my dad did try to warn me. I endured years of pain not understanding the craziness and dysfunction of my spouses family until a counselor finally convinced my spouse to join adult children of alcoholics 20 years ago. I joined the spouse group and both groups continued for about a year. I wish she would have used the 12 step approach though. I use to shed so many tears after visiting them. I allowed them to have my power. You know the scenerio. Well they still are dysfunctional even though my father-in-law passed away 10 years ago. I don't think the other siblings believe he was an alcoholic but yes he was and it did affect how my husband was and still is.
My one sister-in-law, married into the family after me, use to go on and on about alanon only to me and actually set a bad example for me. She was extremely selfish and it really turned me off to alanon. She would and still will be at holidays and it is all about her. "I don't ever cook etc." so she does not offer or even help in the kitchen. My brother-in-law does as she orders him too while she rides my exercise bike. I guess she is working her program and focusing on her but I just wouldn't want to set that kind of example myself.
It is only when I hit my bottom with my daughter when I finally came to alanon. Although I did years earlier a couple times (due to my inlaw family) and didn't like how everyone cried all the time. A current counselor also told me that if it didn't make me feel good after I left, why keep going? He was certainly wrong I know now.
I am grateful to have finally found the program and people like you who have given me undconditional support. (((((((mastiff))))) I didn't mean for my reply to be about me, but your post hit many years of memories for me just now. I guess it just wasn't meant for me to have the skills/tools back then. I am not going to question my HP. I came to alanon when my free will was ready and HP could finally guide me where I needed to go. I so relate to what you posted as my past 3 years of holidays since joining alanon have been similiar to what you described in your post, much much better :) Thank you for posting what you did so I could reflect back on my life just now. your friend in recovery, cdb ((((((((mastiff))))))) xoxoxooxo
Your post really got me thinkinh about my recovery early this morning so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing it. Maybe if I get my thoughts out here I can begin to look at things differently as well. I, too, found that I tend to run with the labels people place on me. I am a martyr for staying with my husband. I often make excuses that I can't go back to school or go after that better job because my son needs me because he suffers from severe mental illness. Then the baby came along and I couldn't go after my dreams because she was young and needs me.
I decided in the past few weeks that I have to stop making excuses, living up to other people's expectations and focus on myself. I am applying for a job I really want today. I received a letter last week saying that my financial aid was approved to go back to school full time. My volunteer work as a Guardian ad Litem keeps me fairly busy. You're right, it's a matter of shifting my focus back to me.
Trina: What a fantastic post about really working the program. I am trying to live the serenity prayer at the moment taking it sometimes one moment at a time and one day at a time. I try to focus on what I can change today both practically and with my attitude. Before in my codependence my attitude was always geared towards the A.. how could I help him, change him, focus on him, make him feel better. Now I am focused on me and my issues and how can I work through them. I am not sure how long it will take me to work through my family of origin issues that still haunt me the issue is that I am committed to it. I am motivated and I do care about me these days.
I also find that when and if I keep the focus on me I am far far less into the resentment issues of what is he doing, what should he be doing, what is he not doing for me and who is he with. I am too busy thinking about my next step. I do find it helpful to be free of resentment as much as I can be. I am after all working on my family of origin issues and that is toxic enough. I am not in denial though I know the A is in deep trouble on many levels, financially and otherwise. I am willing to acknowledge it but also willing to know that my worrying and obsessing changes nothing. Certainly he is not motivated by my concern, fear or obsessing that is for sure.
I am also aware that most of the time when he goes down he seeks to push me under first. I am incredibly aware of the ways he has blamed stuff on me but I am also aware that I have been an incredibly easy target for him up until I came here and was willing to work on myself.
I have been tremendously vulnerable to him and allowed him to drag me under many many times. I am not willing to do that anymore I do not share with him that I am in al-anon although he certainly knows I am typing to someone at night. I also do not share with him that I go to counselling or what I talk about or what I earn or how I am feeling. I share very very little with him and that makes me sad but it also keeps me from being vulnerable to being crushed.
I am no longe prepared to drown in resentments so I particularly welcomed your share and your statement about inlaws. I have had tremendous resentments with the A's family and only recently decided to say goodbye to them. Clearly they are not affected by my dismay, sadness or anger so why should I be. I can simply chalk them up to experience. Some parents and siblings do not help their familys I know that (I have little support from my family of origin) I do not have to obsess about that to my grave. I have other people in my life like the ones I have met here who are incredibly overwhelmingly kind and generous. I do not have to allow the A's family to overwhelm and upset me anymore.
