The material presented
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My husband came home from an errand today and after about 30 minutes I was the signs that he had taken pills. Probably Xanax. His speech was slurred, his mood was volatile and he was in a daze. He swore he had not taken anything. I know I shouldn't have asked him in the first place. Of course, I got angry that he lied to me and badgered him all day. Now he is angry and I am angry. I can't help but run my mouth to prive I'm right and put him down when he's high. It's like I want to hurt him. He's especially angry that I told him I am requesting court ordered treatment when we go to court. Then he makes threats to divorce me and take everything I have. I told him I wish he would leave. I only came back a few months ago because he wouldn't quit harassing and threatening me. I told him I don't love him and never wanted to be married to him and he was a worthless loser. How do I stop this type of behavior? It's like my mouth can't help himself. I don't want him to think he can "get away" with anything. That is crazy. We both know what he's done. What does it change if he admits it? Except show that he has some honesty and integrity.
I keep wanting to confront him and force him to be honest. I continue to want him to see my point of view and validate my feelings. I get increasingly frustrated that he is so self-centered, poor me, everything is your fault.
Powerless when we talk to the alcohlic the way u describe in your post , we are the ones who end up feeling like crap. He on the other hand already feels that way about himself we just re afirm thier opinon of them selves. and I know that is not what u intend to do. somehow we think it we shame them or embarrase them enough they will quit . NOT
Tears threats and ultimatums never work , your trying to solve a problem that isn't yours to fix. so everything u try is doomed to fail. it simply is not your problem it's his. I have found that when i am trying to teach someone a lesson I am the one who usually learns the lesson. Thier lives are none of my business. (hard one to wrap your head around I know) it takes time.
Confronting him is a waste of time, I am sure u have discussed this with him many times already, practicing A's don't live in reality -He dosen't understand how u feel any more than we understand the disease of alcoholism. Please go to f2f meetings for yourself and get some understanding of this disease and learn to detach with love and not let his behavior ruin your day.
Keep the focus on yourself and you will be okay . Louise
Personally I go to the chat room when I want to vent. I also go to my sponsor and tell her what I am doing and what I am doing about about. I have to be accountable to someone. Certainly the A is not accountable to anyone.
I know I go nuts when the A uses but I have taken the advice here and say nothing. He just uses it as a reason to use more if I don't. I was so inspired by some shares last night who talked about being civil to the A. Somehow that resonated with me. I have been extremely uncivil with the A, screamed the place down had knock down screamathons, called his phone tons of times. It all got me nowhere. Now I am civil. I say nothing when he drinks. I try not to even utter a sarcastic remark. I let him know perfunctorily where I will be but I don't ask him for anything like the suppport I did. I try to be more self reliant and that helps.
Does any of this stop the A from drinking? Not yet. It does however stop me from being absolutely wiped out with exhaustion.
I think you know what the right thing to do is, are just having trouble doing it. This is our sickness - it holds us just as tightly as their addiction does them. Makes it a little easier to understand how they may want to stop drinking and using, and just can't.
I would suggest using a technique that A's use when trying to stay sober - if you don't want to slip, stay out of slippery places. For you that might mean not being in the house with him when he is using - go shopping, go to the gym, visit a friend, go out and dig in the garden, shovel snow .... somewhere where those words that you can't hold back won't do any harm. Or, use "one minute at a time" Say to yourself "I won't say anything until after I have folded this basket of laundry" "....until after this TV show is over" "...until I've gotten the kids in bed". Eventually, you may find that the urge has passed.
One of the things I learned when my A was lying, I learned how to watch for cues that I was getting angry....dry mouth, body tensing, hands shaking, sick feeling in my gut....then I would remove myself.......it was hard at first but I get better with each episode.I walk out on the porch and regroup, ask myself if I'm angry or hurt? Frustrated? Lonely? Tired? Overwhelmed?....I also quit trying to reason and question his motives...why does he get drunk, why is he getting high, why doesn't he want to spend time with me........Now when those questions arise in my mind, I ask myself "why am I not taking care of me?" Hang in there.....
Hi Powerless I too had a fit of anger and attacked the A today. Yesterday I chose to ignore him and not get angry but it was still there this morning and I let it out. Don't think it particularly affected him as much as me I ended up crying which was good as I don't do it very often. He couldn't see it though as he was at work and I was at home. I can honestly say I feel a little better and calmer for it. Will it change anything, probably not but emotionally I feel good. Luv Leo xx
