My A generally spends large portions of his time over at some friends house on a weekend. Generally this is accompanied or preceded by some sort of a row.  This weekend he actually did a chore I had been asking him to do for months unbidden.  I have not disclosed to him that I am going to be working. He has not asked.

This morning at 5:00a.m he starts the provocation. I had not noticed before he needs to provoke me in order to make his exit.  He starts playing the stereo too loud. I ask him to turn it down. He has his normal tantrum and leaves.

Normally I would be devastated and be obsessed with his abandonment and aware that he had taken himself somewhere and left me.  I realise now that when he did this what happened for me was a replay of some emotions I had as a child. Now I am an adult and I do not have to behave like a child.  I do not have to obsess that he is depriving me. Really he is not depriving me of much. We hardly have a close intimate relationship. He is an A after all and he shares nothing of his process, his inner thoughts with me.  I share very very little with him, less since I have been in al-anon particularly as his retort whenever I mention my childhood is not to think about it.  I do not tell him I have been to counselling and it has helped. I do not discuss my interviews, my job process with him. I do discuss some things but very little really.  I can't say it is empty because it is a relief to give up banging my head against the wall.

So this morning is a turning point for me I am not reliving being a little girl who is abandoned, provoked and frustrated by my family of origin. I am an adult. I did not lose my temper this morning I simply asked him pontedly not to turn the stereo up.  I asked him not to make noise at that time in the morning because I was resting.  He left in his normal noisy abandoning way. I took no action about that. He has left his cell phone anyway.  I will take no action. I will go about my own stuff and take care of me in the way I have learned in this room focusing on my self care because i deserve to be cared for regardless. I will not abandon me.  He can abandon me but i will not abandon me as I have always done by going into reliving my childhood once again. I am an adult now and I can take care of me regardless of what he does.

Maresie.