The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It never ceases to amaze me how delusional an A can become. We've had a few rough days here, nothing major, just the same old nonsence. Last night I ordered Pizza, it was Friday and we give up meat on Fridays for lent. My husband was drinking and groaning about having plain pizza, but I ignored him and ordered it. He was in the beadroom doing something when it came and I did yell to him, he didn't come, so the kids helped themselves. I did tell them he hadn't eaten yet, then I realized that we were out of Milk, so one of my daughters and I ran out to get milk.
When I came back he started ranting and raving about only getting 2 slices of plain pizza. I told him we all had plain pizza, he didn't even hear me, just continued to complain, so I walked away. I didn't feel like dealing with him, so I took my blankets and went out to sleep on the couch.
Today I slept in, I have a cold and am off today, so I took it easy. Of course he took off and drank and did nothing to help. He called me from his Mothers and said he was on his way home and I told him, i was not feeling well and to please stay there tonight. He said "If your sick I can help." I told him he doesn't help, just makes more work for me and I would prefer he stayed there.
He kept insisting he always helps, in fact carried on about how he does everything, so out of curiosity, I asked him what he does. He again said everything. I said be specific. He said he fixes things. I asked what, and he said everything. I asked what else, he said he cleans. I asked what and then he said well, If I did clean it would be better than everyone else there does. Then I asked him where the vaccuum is. He said he doesn't know, that I hide it from him. I have nothing better to do than hide the vaccuum from him. (Our vaccuum is in the hall, covered with a Teddy bear in a Maids outfit, cover) He walks past it 100 times a day.
He then replied that if he was working, he would not be able to help me do my job during the day. I told him he is not working, so he should help. He then said that since he should not really be home but at work, then helping me with anything in the household, would confuse our responsibilities.
I said goodnight and told him I would see him in the morning.
If it wasn't so ridiculouse it would be sad. He really believes all this garbage and seems to have himslef convinced he does everything around here, or has a real good reason not to.
I didn't expect a reasonable answer from him, my curiosity got the better of me.
OMG Jeannie, that could have just as easily been a conversation between my a and me. One wonders why we do this to ourselves. You might have a better conversation with the vacuum in the hall
It sounds familiar to me as well. My A husband would have insisted on going and picking up the pizza though so he could get what he wanted and down several beers while waiting for the pizzas to be ready. It's amazing how he worked every situation to get what he wanted. Now that I left he can have his choice delivered and drink at home! Of course he still isn't happy 'cuz he's alone. Not my problem anymore. I've picked mushrooms off my pizza for the last time!
Maybe it wasn't meant to be, but your post brought some laughter to me :) I would love a vacuum cleaner cover like yours too! Where did you get it? Oh, you sound so good jeannie! Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean comes to mind. What growth you have had since you first joined. You are an inspiration to me. God Bless and thanks for your kind reply to me. cdb (((((((jeannie))))) xoxoxoxoxo
I have a "do everything" husband as well. Don't forget to add to the list passing out on the kitchen bar and non-stop "rearranging of the garage. It ticks ya off but you set a hood boundary!
Josey
__________________
Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
OMG there is no need to be a fly on the wall in an alcoholic home, because it seems to be the same everywhere. My A had the need to inform me of all the things he did after having done them. To that I would normally reply, did you have clean underwear to wear today, did I take out an ad in the newspaper to announce it? But the rearranging of the garage, well yeah, lots of hiding spots out there, and of course it never actually got done.
Your positive attitude is an inspiration to me. I have often said the same thing, if what came out of their mouths was not just soooooo riduculous it would be sad. Who, other than another alanon, could possibly appreciate that. I have learned that when I do share with someone outside of the program they truly do not get it. I also know that I will often get advice, granted well meaning, but since they truly do not get it, not usually something that is positive. However, when I feel the need to have my A bashed by someone other than me (since I know that my doing it is not going to change anything and is counterproductive to my recovery) I know just the friend to go to. Jeez, I can even manipulate my own recovery. This disease is insane.
Well, I hope you are feeling better today. Take is easy, watch some Lifetime movies. Relax.
My goodness! I thought our garage was the only one that needed constant rearranging! I too can tell when my A is really bad by the stuff that comes out of his mouth. It makes no sense at all at times. When he is not drunk I couldn't ask for a better man but when he is watch out. He acts like I'm an idiot and a fool. I'm to the point of just shaking my head at him through the denials and excuses. It's nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with this but I have sympathy for others who are.
Have you been talking to my husband again? Trust me, it's not worth it. How can you be so hateful as to cover the vaccuum up with a cute little cover? I leave mine out so my husband with stub his little toe on it. My husband does help out around the house so I can't really complain about that. He ven cooks, but what really gets me is that since I am not working his attitude has changed. I may ask him to help me do something or grumble about something I have to do and he tells me "That's your job. You're a housewife." That really annoys me. So during all of the remodeling I have handled everything, made all of the decisions, done all fo the shopping and he got angry that I didn't leave anything for him to do. I told him "That's my job. I'm a housewife." He swears he does everything. He can do it better than anyone else. In the next breath he tells me he doesn't do anything because I'll just complain and redo it. We can't win, can we?
I really try not to get too involved with the A or argue with him. I set limits. I do what I have to do but we can go on and on and on for days when this happens. I know the A wants an argument because then he can storm off to his friends. This morning he started playing the stereo loud at 5:00 a.m. I asked him to turn it down so as not to affect the neighbors. Now he is off somewhere doing goodness knows what. The difference is that I am not holding myself responsible. He is not a child who needs to be nursemaided all the time. He has to take responsibility for his own behavior. I am not dependent on him anymore for company or support. I am not even angry that he has done this because I expect it from him. I am not going to even wonder where he is. I am angry about it of course because I would like a partner who is cooperative and working towards something instead I have an A. I have to work towards my own goals without him. That may at some point mean leaving him but I am not there yet. Today I have a job to go to that is real progress for me.
I am happy to have that. I am content with that (I would not normally be content with that). I am happy to keep on working on my goals and steps and keep coming back here to grow. I know when I am dealing with him I am repeating a pattern of becoming incredibly frustrated with my parents and my siblings actions as a child. This time I am an adult I have choices. I am not a dependent child. I have choices and one of them is to hold him responsible for his behavior. He can deal with the consequences. I am not.
Jeannie this was a great post and I too loved the bit about the vacuum cleaner. I really needed a laugh today. You know these A's are just so worn out doing the jobs around the house its a wonder they have the strength to hold up a can. Hang in there Luv Leo. xx
He swears he does everything. He can do it better than anyone else. In the next breath he tells me he doesn't do anything because I'll just complain and redo it. We can't win, can we?