The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I am just so sad. As I have been the last week or so. I have been trying to pinpoint the why and just cannot seem to. Well, I guess I can, but just do not want to admit it. I miss my husband so much. I am lonely. So I look at our situation and try to see how things have changed. Unfortunately, not much. Yes, he is sober today, and coming up on 90 days. I am so proud of him, but I cannot trust it. I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I try so hard not to ask about his program. He shares with me that he is going to meetings regularly, that he has not connected as much with his sponsor as he'd like to. Will I ever trust his sobriety? or will I spend everyday just waiting for him to pick up. That is not fair to HIM or to ME. i guess there were things that I wanted to see in sobriety, a willingness to work on us, to work on a therapuetic component for the bipolar diagnosis, a sense of responsibility to our family, a 12 step program. Sure, he talks a good game, he is going to meetings, says he is living his life differently than he was 3 months ago, but I just don't get it. I am starting to ramble, cannot wrap my brain around anything right now. God, I hate this, I just want it all to go away, but it is not going anywhere soon. So, maybe I will pick up that 500lb phone and make a phone call., or maybe I will crawl into bed and cry. Either way, tomorrow will come and I can try again.
Dear confused, Thank you for your post. It is so hard to be in the spot you are in, but a slogan from the program came to mind as I read your post: One Day at a Time. One thing I've learned about feelings over the years is that they don't last forever. It is so hard to have feelings like loneliness and sadness and distrust, but they will also pass. Your thought about getting into bed and starting over tomorrow sounds as if you are already on to that! Blessings, mebjk
How have things changed for you? Are you starting to feel some recovery? Using this time to do things that you couldn't when he was around?
Sobriety, especially early sobriety, is no bed of roses - in some ways, my life was better when my husband was using. At least it was comfortable, I knew what was coming, and never had to face anything unpleasant about myself. (I was always the hard done by heroine of the story).
Keep the focus on you, dear. Remember, when he was there, but drinking, you were lonely a lot of the time too, right?
Be gentle with yourself and with him. If he has barely 90 days clean he is still very new to recovery. He may not feel ready to deal with marriage, relationship, parenting, mental illness issues because he may not yet be sure of his recovery himself. Remember, he's working "Just or today" just like you are. Don't worry about whether or not he will stumble. For today he is sober and is walking tall. It takes time. Focus on one issue at a time, but keep your boandaries in place.
My heart goes out to you relating to what you are feeling. (((((((confused))))) I have been known to go back and re-read my posts by using the search option above. When I do that, I see how far I have come. When things seem overwhelming it helps me to take one thing at a time. And of course a main coping skill for me is focusing on me and doing things for me. I am so glad you posted how you are feeling. By doing that you are getting it out and not holding it in. Keep on posting and reaching out for support. Babysteps comes to mind to me too. Your babysteps, not his. your friend in recovery, cdb xoxoxoxo
I think that we have to view this as a process. There is no cure per se. I can identify with your loneliness. Our HP is there for us not our A's. And I am told that we have to find other sources of comfort. Hang in there.
I can definitely understand your loneliness. My loneliness was there before I met the A. I know it is very much here all the time in good times and in bad. There have been many many bad times with the A. I get very very tired of his crises and his demands for my attention and that he has an excuse for everything. I get bored by them in some ways because I think he is totally irresponsible.
At the same time I know I picked him for a reason and some of it for me was a deep dependency a deep need to be needed and a real terror of abandonment. My sponsor has asked me why I picked the a in particular. There were many many many red flags for me early on and I still stayed. I had options to leave and I stayed. Then when I felt I did not have the options to leave I became frustrated. I do not like my options much that is the reality and I never have. I did not like my family of origin they were tremendously abusive. I did not like my choices living with them either so in many many ways I have repeated patterns learned in my childhood.
I have got to look at some stuff with the A I could not look at otherwise. My really tremendous sense of envy of the relationship with his friends resembles my tremendous sense of envy that my elder sister got everything. I always felt left out that my younger sister and my elder sister merged and seemed to have fun. These days I am aware they did not have much fun they were running off into denial. But it looked like fun to me and it looked like they had a companionship I did not have. I know that is not true now. I can understand I can be equally delusional about the A and his friends. It can look like fun that he is off there with them for hours on end and seems to prefer them. I do not know it is much fun to be with his friends always asking him for money always dreaming always planning a future that does not seem to come. I only want to repeat my own experience of victimization of feeling left out because I did not get to express it as a child. As an adult I am not envious of the A and his friends because I have my friends in al-anon now. I spent my Saturday nights with them and I'd rather do that than go to any party or any social affair (at the moment). I can choose how I feel today.
I do not have to feel that the A is letting me down. He is letting himself down not me because I choose recovery. He can choose what he wants because he is an adult and adults get to do that. Eventually I may well choose to go elsewhere and I can entertain that choice today in ways I could not before.
So much wisdom in these posts. Take the focus off your A's recovery and look back at what you have achieved. You are so strong I remember your old posts and how desperate life was for you. Please remember you are never alone when you have this wonderful family here. Thinking of you with love. Leo xx
