The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Everything I've read through Alanon says not to do anything for 6 months. I started Alanon several years ago but quit going after a few months. I started doing online stuff a couple of months ago. Today I attended my first f2f in a few years.
Today will be the start of my 6 months. I think I will keep a journal and a calendar. My A says I only remember the bad so if I start consciously noting the good on paper I have a reference. I think I may rate the days so I can tally it up in 6 months (the horrible organized trait I have). For 6 months I will work my program and work on me. I will concentrate on making sure my kids have a stable and FUN home and at least 1 stable parent at all times. I will hope and pray that my A will work on his recovery. I will continue the good I have been doing (reading Alanon lit., going to church) and strive to correct the bad.
That being said, I don't want to continue being lied to. If I continue to stay when it happens, it will continue to happen. This is where the 6 months come in. After 6 months I think my A and I will sit and reevaluate. If progress isn't being made as a couple I think we should consider a separation. If progress (not perfection) is being made we continue foward until our next evaluation and so forth.
Now the strange part. I believe that our kids don't deserve to have their lives disrupted because we aren't able to work out our problems. So I will suggest that if in 6 months we decide to separate, the kids get to keep the house. We would share custody and take turns living in the house with the kids. We would also share a separate apartment that whoever doesn't have the kids uses. I love my AH and want with all my heart to stay together but, one of my boundaries are no lies, no secrets. This way we don't separate our finances while to take time apart to see if we are better apart and the kids aren't thrown into more turmoil than necessary.
I do see potential problems with this situation (cleaning and such) but since I believe in my heart that both of us want what is best for the kids I think we could make it work.
I would be glad to listen to feedback on my thoughts because I know many people have been in similar relationships and might have some good experiences to share.
Hello Marci ,make your plans just don't plan the outcome. You will hear that often in this program. How bout instead of thinking after six months u may separate , you think after 6 months this just might work. I know that thinking positive is not what we do best when we first arrive here. I always thought of what could happen and it was usually doom and gloom never occured to me think what am I going to do "if he gets sober?"
Use your six months to work on yourself this program gave me the tools to get happy in my marriaage wether he was drinking or not. My six months came and went so fast I actually missed it hehe. One day at atime work on you , leave him to God and see what happens.
You said u don't want to be lied to, well the nature of this disease allows the alcoholic to be as honest as he can at the m oment. period. expecting my husb to act normal was a mistake I made often. Accept who he is and your life will get alot easier. Keep the focus on yourself and regardless of what he does you and the kids will be just fine.
Detach with love and acceptance. saves u alot of headaches and sleepless nites. Louise
That sounds like a new way to tackle a toughie! Your plan for reevaluation if wonderful! I wish I had thought of it too. It means that everyone gets to clear the air twice a year, you can refocus regularily how it's going, what needs changing, and reaffirm the relationship.
I think actually this would be a great practice for EVERY couple I have ever met! I will take your plan and use it religiously if I ever get into another relationship again. Six months is enough time for some life to happen, for progress to show if it's being made, and not enough time for serious resentment to build up.
I think its great to have a plan. I work on a plan one month at a time. Some of my plan involves a separation at some point but the rest of it involves separating me from being so over involved with the A. There are lots of goals I can live with and I think your goal to have stability and comfort and warmth for your children is great.
I also think I have had to work on my own emotional health. I have had to work really hard on being detached from the A. Today I made some stupid remark about one of his friends and I realised I stepped over a line. Normally I would make a hundred remarks about his friends so that is an improvement for me. I would be totally obsessed with that he was giving to his friends and not to me. I try really hard these days not to know what he is doing with his friends.
At the same time I have had to be prepared. I do not know what the state of the A's finances are. I know they are not good so I have had to work on my own finances. I think the issue of cleaning up the mess is a hard one. What is my mess and what is the a's mess. It is not all his mess by any means. I have had to isolate down to my mess and take responsibilty for me and I do not seem to like that too much. Nevertheless the more I focus on it the better it gets. I reach out for a lot of support on that and try to not feel helpless around it.
Lies and secrecy are huge issues for me. They are also tremendously familiar to me as my family of origin lived, ate and breathed secrecy. I try to work on my own family of origin issues rather than work on the a's program. He may have a program and goals but I do not obsess about it in the way I used to. Actually he has no program because I don't think he thinks he has a problem and that is some of his problem. But these days I let that be his problem rather than make it mine.
Plan your action, not the outcome. I think the idea of re-evaluation in 6 months is a good one, I would leave it at that, and not worry at this point about the details. One thing we try to learn here is to let go of details that we have no control over. When you get to your reevaluation point, other options may present themselves that you are not aware of just now - leave yourself open. The nice thing about your plan is that you can now let go of the "should I leave him?" question. Every time you find yourself worrying about that, you can just say to yourself "I'll decide that in 6 months" and let it go. One less thing to fret about.
I know that thinking positive is not what we do best when we first arrive here. I always thought of what could happen and it was usually doom and gloom never occured to me think what am I going to do "if he gets sober?"