The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
well finally getting a quiet day here - kids gone to their dad's, house reasonably clean, sister's wedding over. whew. its been busy busy busy.
Having a moment to reflect on me a bit. I looked back at my posts from before and came across the one where I was asking if maybe I am addicted to my A. I don't know if it's because I was so busy or not, but I feel a bit better about just being me with me. I still think about him a great deal, but somehow, just a bit less. My mood is starting to improve this past week. It took me about a month to just get used to going to bed, getting up, no one to ignore around here and I no longer feel the empty hole so much. Now it's just a little pit in my soul.
I believe that I need more time to grieve, and start to think more about Me, but at least I don't feel like there is no point if he is not here anymore.
I sort of got something out of a conversation I had with him last week. I confessed to him that Did he know that when I would get done with school, work, kids, housework, and would sit here in the liv room and just have a half hour for me, that the entire time I was doing that, I would have in the back of my mind the thought that he is at the other end of the house by himself, had been there most of the day, and I didn't even really see him all day, so I would start to feel guilty because I thought 'well he is needy, and will feel neglected if I don't go in there and pay attention to him". Then I would get on my high horse with myself, and tell me that I worked hard for others all day and now deserve a half hour of peace to myself if I want it! I would sit here and have all this guilt and get indignant about being guilty, just because he was in the bedroom and I wasnt!! He said, no, he did not realize that I was doing that, and there was no need, because he was fine, and understood that I am just busy or just wanted to be quiet for a bit.
I thought - I am so stupid for wasting all that energy having my own little fit all by myself every night for nothing!!! Even if he had told me that when he was here, I would not have believed him, and continued it. With a little distance, it becomes clearer that this was just one way that my own illness was creating my own little hell for me! Much easier to stop feeling the uncomfortable absence of guilt now that I finally realize that he was fine, and I was acting nuts. I feel this is a step forward for me, and part of the reason why I am happier, there is some progress.
It's good to finally own these feelings, to take them back, because I now see that this episode was completetly produced by me, and now I can gain some control over it.
My goodnesss, what a good way of expressing something that I am familiar with. It's like we just can NOT allow ourselves to feel good, isn't it? "Gee, if I'm not hurting, there must be something wrong..."
Thanks for the reflections Sweetums. Time to yourself, by yourself, with yourself. I am alone, alone as my husband moved out and my last son went to college. I know that I am addicted to my husband as a love addict. So my task is to build a relationship with myself. Overwhelming. Not even sure if I love myself much less like myself. You are right about producing scenarios all by yourself.
