I'm new I didn't get it - Al-Anon Family Group

maggy · Newbie

I'm new I didn't get it

Tammy · Senior Member

I am glad you found this board too.. You are in the right place.. :) I found this board in
July after leaving my husband of 18 years who is an alcoholic too. I have grown so much from posting on this board. Everyone here really understands how you feel and the pain that you are experiencing now.

I will tell you that I went back to my husband after a 30 day seperation with promises of not drinking again.. Well, it doesnt last.. They cant control their drinking. Some try very hard but without help they just cant. In alanon we learn that we are all powerless over alcohol. If he appeared happy it was probably because the new girlfriend drinks too with no guilt he can drink too.

Living with an alcoholic is a rollercoaster, they are masters at controlling people and manipulation..

We all have felt we caused the alcoholic to drink that is what they do.. They shift blame to you .. If i had a nickel for everytime my husband said if you werent such a B** i wouldnt drink so much. I used to cry insisting that it was me.. Now, after alanon i say oh no .. Dont blame me for you being an alcoholic.. I will no longer allow him to blame me .. NO WAY, his problem, his demon..

Bottom line, I am back living with my husband and not sure why.. He is drinking again and i am back on this stupid roller coaster that i cant seem to get the strength to get off.

My advise is this... Find a face to face meeting.. Post here and read others posts.
go to the book store and get a few books on alcoholism. It was scary how when i read about it i really understood more. THEN take time for yourself and your son.
You son needs you now.

Remember

you didnt cause his drinking
you cant control his drinking
and you cant cure his drinking

( another alanon saying )

Good luck, and keep posting.. Here you will get the support of those who have been in your shoes and understand :)

God Bless

Tammy

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Maggie and welcome to MIP!

What he does is not about you. We cant control what other people do. We can be the nicest, most loving, caring beautiful people in the world, respected and loved by others.......and still they will drink. We can be the biggest jerks anyone has ever seen.........and still they will drink. We can sit miserably wondering what we did wrong and making ourselves more and more sick...we can sit being angry and hurt and resentful and feeling sorry for ourselves.......and still they will drink. They are gonna do what they are gonna do.

Its there disease Maggie. Without wanting to and help they cant control it....neither can we control it.

What we can do is learn to stop obsessing over them and start taking care of ourselves.

I hope you keep coming here to the board, and try our chat room too! Please find a local meeting you can attend as well.

Alanon is a simple program of recovery which works if you work it. Simple, but not always so easy, but sooooo worth it.

Keep coming back Maggie....it just keeps getting better!!!!

Yours in Recovery,

David

-- Edited by david62 at 08:44, 2006-03-03

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Maggy, you have come to the right place, and we are happy to have you here.

All the formalities out of the way, I can only say that you have made a decision for you and your child, and it, no doubt, is the right one. There is no reason to believe that he is behaving any differently with his new "friend." Your innocent child did not need his influence, and you didn't need the hassle. Of course it hurts; you feel rejected. But, one day at a time, the hurt will lessen, and you will finally come to realize that you have done the right thing.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your child. You'll make it, and be the wiser for it. Hold your head high...guys are usually taller. You may just spot the right one!!!

With caring, Diva

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Maggie I can't help you with your pain but I can ask you are things better for you and your child now you are not with your A? Try and focus on what you have sometimes we don't know how precious small things are until we are faced with not having them. Big hugs to you and your little one. LUv Leo xx

mebjk · Senior Member

Hello, Maggy,
We are so glad you are here. This is the right place for you. Of course seeing him again with another woman hurts - you are still letting go of him, and that is natural. And I also see in your post that you do remember what it was really like to be with him.
This program really works! If you work it! Find yourself a face to face meeting, get a sponsor, and work the Steps. The Steps really work to help us get better.
Your sharing helps all of us work our program, too. Thank you.
Blessings,
mebjk

aunitedway · ~*Service Worker*~

Just so happy you found Alanon. The message boards here are great. Having this website, the chatroom, such wonderful people here and in the Alanon Program. WOW. Alanon; My support system. It helps KEEP ME in the KEEPIN IT REAL mode. There is such a tremendous sense of Love. I feel grounded. Family. I like that.

Working the 12 steps, sitting in on group meetings (taking part) and most of all having a very special Sponsor , I know I CAN... I WILL ... I AM able to enjoy my life. I will "Keep the Faith" I deserve.

Keep believing in your Self, Maggie. You can see it. Your not alone. ((BIG HUG)) Take careYou! (((Maggy)))

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Maggie: Welcome to this group. I have been here since December and have to say it has been a huge part of my changing. I have been to a counsellor and started working on my life and not drowned in the pain around the A. I have also got a sponsor.

You will find many many people here who can understand your pain and you do not have to be alone with it anymore. I am glad that you are here and look forward to getting to know you.

Maresie.

Powerless · Senior Member

You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it!! I am so glad you found this forum.He moved to someone who he can get over on because she doesn't know him as well as you do. He isn't having fun. He'll be back because she will realize what is what and give up on him. You need to think about wanting to be in a relationship with someone who can't meet your needs or respect you. You deserve better. One thing you should realize is that addiction has nothing to do with love. He may not even admit to himself that he has a problem. I have told my husband several times that if he loved me he wouldn't do this to me or our family. Then this board helped me to realize that he loves me very much (as much as he's capable) and his addiction is a separate issue. He did not choose to have this addiction.

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Hon

Here some information for u. First I would like to welcome u. It is nice to meet u. Smile u are not alone .Here some informtation for you.

World Service Organization Website - WWW.al-anon.alateen.org/

Phone number is 1-888-425-2666

Call this number it is locate information on face to face meeting which will help u alot.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The stuff that I posted for the meeting online here please come and join us u are welcome.l

Flora123 · Senior Member

Hiya Maggy,

I had to read your post. My name is also Maggie - sigh, when I went to school, we had 7 Margarets in my class! And I wanted to be unique! I tried to sign in here as Maggie (my name for donkey's years), and there were too many. Why did I not think to spell it Maggy??? lolol.

Take a little time out - for yourself, be kind to you, just set everything else to one side. Come back here, read your own post, as though you were looking at it as a friend, not owning it. Maybe, you will get a different perspective - this is not healthy for you, imagine if this was your child posting?

You are a worthy person, you are trying to do the right thing - maybe, this will be a learning experience, what I have found is this, I make the same mistakes, over and over, even with different people - we have to look at how we are behaving. If this person is not a healthy partnership for you, take a long look, work it out, make sure you do not do what I have done, ie, repeating the same old, same old pattern.

Take what you like and leave the rest!

Lots of love,

Flora

xxxx

PS Am so jealous I did not think of spelling it Maggy!!!! Haha, even my good friends now call me flora!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.