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I am new to this forum and am hoping someone can give me some help. I have been with my partner for 3 1/2 years now. We live together and have a good relationship. I am supportive of his recovery and do not interfere with meetings, his recovery is his own. I am not in recovery, I do not drink alcohol and have a alcohol free home. Lately, there has a been a woman in his CA group that has been private messaging him through Facebook. She tells him she missed him at the meeting and stuff. I have mentioned this girl before when she baked him a cake for his third celebration. He said he didn't know why she wanted to do it. I asked if he found her attractive and he said she is too young and brushed it off. I have heard about the 13th Step and he has even told me an older member is sleeping with a younger girl. I am trying to be supportive and understanding, not bitchy or naggy. I just don't know how to deal with "friendships." He says he loves me and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship but I can't help but wonder what goes on at the meetings, Is there any other wives/girlfriends, that have felt this way? I have tried an Al-Anon group in my area but it was not a good experience for me. Help please.
Hi Scarlet71, I just noticed we share the same exact birthday--one year apart! Anyway, my husband has been sober for a little over one month. He seems very committed to his recovery this time (third time). He attends AA meetings usually twice a day and is currently involved in outpatient group therapy 3 nights a week. One of those nights is "family night" which I get to attend with him to share how I'm feeling which helps. It also helps to talk with other spouses who are going through the same thing.
I too worry about the women in AA getting too "chummy" with my husband or vice-versa. He can be a bit of a flirt himself. I have always had a jealous streak and wish I could get rid of it. I try not to let it show too often. One good thing is my husband is not on FB but he has tried to keep in touch by phone with some people from rehab including women. It seems innocent enough and I know that he feels a type of connection with them because they are battling the same disease. I remind myself that there is nothing I can do to stop him from drinking again or seeing another woman for that matter. It's just totally out of my control. Would I be heartbroken if it happened? Yes and mad as a hornet. But I'm trying to grab hold of these AlAnon tools for dear life and remember I am only responsible for my own actions not his. I can also control how I react to situations. Some of them not pleasant. The woman at your partner's AA meeting does sound a little extra chummy toward him but that's something that you can't control. Just be as supportive as you can of his recovery and busy yourself with other things that make you happy. I know easier said than done. Especially when our self-esteem has already taken a huge hit. (((HUGS)))
Hi Scarlet welcome to MIP. I can understand your concern regarding the ladies at the AA meetings and would like to urge you to search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and give them another try. Living with the disease of alcoholism we develop many negative, destructive coping tools that appear to work while in the middle of the disease but which are really destructive to our own mental health and well-being. My self-esteem and self-worth suffered tremendously and I didn't even realize it until I entered Al-Anon and began to keep the focus on myself and identify my concerns and abilities
In Al-Anon I learned to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, say what I mean mean what I say and don't say it mean, detach from other people's emotional baggage, and to respond and not react to situations.I also learned that I was powerless over people places and things and that the best I could do is to take care myself and trust that no matter what happened, I would be able to handle it. The program gave me certainly enough tools to make this a reality.
I understand AA urges its members to support each other by reaching out and connecting. Al-Anon does as well. Both programs suggests that sponsors be obtained from the same-sex so that there is no crossover and misunderstanding in relationships.
If you are concerned regarding this subject, I would again speak to my partner honestly and then trust the process and let it go.
I am a double-winner - so attend meetings on each side of 'the table'.
I can honestly say that 13 Stepping at meetings happens rarely and far less that 'last call relationships' in a nightclub/bar setting.
Betty is absolutely correct that the program urges sponsorship within same sex - I've seen some exceptions to this for a variety of reasons. I have friends and fellowship with males and females in the programs, and follow one of the pieces of advice that we hear at both - hang with the winners.
In every social group, there will be different values, different morals and different agendas. My experience in 28 years of attending 12 Step meetings and recovery is that 99% of those in attendance are "not looking for love in all the wrong places."
Having shared my Experience, I do agree with what's written above me. Get active in your recovery for you. This will help you become more confidant and self-assured in your life and less concerned about what's going on beyond your control. It is very freeing to wake up each day and trust my HP to guide me and then do what I want/need to do. I used to wake up worried and fretting about so many things that were beyond my scope that my day felt stressful before I got to the coffee pot!
Again, so glad you are here and hope you keep coming back. Recovery is a tough job but well worth the effort!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi, my husband met a woman at a "friend of Bill W." Meeting on a cruise ship. She emailed him about a week after the cruise was over and told him how life was going after the cruise when she got home to her family. She lamented that she was so misunderstood and how glad she was she had been able to meet the hubby and how he understood her so well. My hubby showed me this email and was mystified when I got angry. He said it was just me being jealous.
I was so hurt and feeling insignificant and invisible. In a normal marriage this doesn't happen. I really got into my Alanon and went to lots of meetings. I got to the feeling that if she (or anyone else) wanted him, then they could have him but they could have all his problems too. I was strong enough in myself. I remember the day that that I realized in Alanon that I would be ok no matter what he did or said or was. I would be ok.
Hi Scarlet and welcome to mip. Firstly, I'm glad you decided to give this board a try after your experience with f2f Alanon. I didn't have the best experience at first either but I did try a few other meeting places and online meetings at this site and am glad that I kept coming back. Recovery from the effects of alcoholism as a family member and friend of alcoholics keeps me coming back to learn more and more about myself and to grow. I guess what I'm saying is... try not to give up hope of finding a meeting that is a good fit for you. They are out there.
As far as your partner and this woman in his group, I do understand where you are coming from and I know of stories and experienced scenarios like the ones you've posted about. There's no way to keep someone from leaving you for someone else if they want to go. New people who "friend" our men/women are everywhere not just in AA or Alanon. If my partner is trustworthy, he/she is trustworthy wherever they are. For me, it's much less about the motive of people who are engaging with my partner and more about how my partner responds to it. If the trust is there between you and love no one can come between you unless either of you allow it.
I guess ultimately what it comes down to for me is if you're good with yourself and who you are and trust that your partner is walking the walk as they say which means working an honest program, the only thing powerful enough to come between the two of you is alcohol itself not other people. These kinds of incidents always serve as good check points for my own feelings of self worth and trust in my partner and ultimately in my level of trust in the god of my understanding to continue to care for me in any situation. It sounds like you have healthy open communication with your partner. It sounds like there is definitely a closeness between you. Try not to worry too much. Thank you for sharing. I hope you'll keep coming back for recovery with us. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 12th of July 2015 12:22:09 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
