The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I read my own post, the torture of my mom, she is so selfish & this disease is taking her down... she isn't even the same person anymore. I just miss her & hurt for her so much to come back to life. I am helpless, I surrender her & her A everyday & say prayers for them. It's their problem, I can only fix me.
I guess, I feel like I am in mourning of her.
My Aunt cd to wish me HB month & the coming of Lent, i start to talk about what & why, boy she doesn't want to hear anything "too real" either... just wants to tell me to get out in the world, stop isolating myself on-line, go find a man & get married & have those babies! Geee whiz, don't any of them stop & think about what I want? NO! I love my friends on-line here, my real fellowship, the love, light & support is overwhelming.
She just says go out, ur beautiful... who cares, I want to fix my head, let go of these layers of crap, so when I do have to go find work next month, I won't be a blubbering mess. She says, "come visit NOLA & see what's left after Katrina" I hated living in New Orleans, nothing against her - I don't want to travel right now, not even 10 miles! They just don't get it.
Like she would even enjoy me being around, I compulsively talk about what I'm feeling... this is the Aunt that made me me like I was not a human being, she would spell words to my mother & I understood what they were saying! My mom knew that I knew! My Aunt felt guilty & would buy me stuff.
Nice of her to reach out but there goes her agenda, trying to run my life... uhh, excuse me in 3 weeks I'll be 38... if I want to sit around & read self-help books and talk to other ppl willing to face what is going on in their lives, this is my choice! TYVM.
rtexas was SO nice to write that post... just thinking about my mom & aunt & their sickness & the love & healing here what a vast contrast! i just lost it crying... and there is my lil orange bunny (cat Julliette) wanting to comfort me.
No, I am not taking my cats to NOLA, I am not running away from my life... i am diligently praying & working to be free & healthy mentally, so I can be a human that I AM proud of!
Somebody sd it the other day, w/ family like this who needs enemies? I'm so tired of it all, I barely have the strength some days to go the grocery store ~ God, I surrender my family to You, I cannot help them. They are all in Your hands! Amen.
-K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Beating my head against the wall into a bloody pulp!
I know, I know, I know ~ if their lives were "so grand" they wouldn't be telling me how to run mine! So I will NOT justify, argue, defend or explain ~ good ole JADE... I have a cat named Jade!
oh yeah, it's not healthy to be alone - I told her "I'm not alone I have 3 gorgeous cats that love me unconditionally" & we have a party in chat every night, hahaha!
I sd, "God will send the right man in God's time." If I'm not worried about it, why is she? Go on now, live your own life! Mine is moving along just fine.
-- Edited by kitty at 18:43, 2006-03-02
-- Edited by kitty at 18:46, 2006-03-02
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I think sometimes people who care for us don't know how to show it, so they give advice instead - just their way of showing that they are thinking about us. I always tell myself "Just because someone gives me advice, doesn't mean I have to take it". Can just say "Thanks, I'll think about that" and then let it go.
You know what is best for you, can just say "Thanks for caring about me, but I'm OK".
Grieving is a natural part of the healing process. I,too,have had a hard week. Using the tools I have learned here have been a huge comfort to me. I have questioned whether my action now of isolating and my lack of motivation to get back out there and carry on as if nothing has happened is inertia/self indulgence/escapism or just plain common sense! I am in pain...and it really,really hurts. I know ,absolutely, that I can stuff those feelings...but I also know from harsh experience that if I do that,all I will achieve is to bury the pain deeper and deeper and destroy my soul. I will be half a person. Cheerful,chirpy Chris on the outside and inside part of me is dying. I won't allow myself to do that again. I've done it too many times before and each time I do it,I know I lose another part of myself. I am actually allowing myself the gift of isolating myself and allowing myself to actually feel the pain and teach myself how to work through it.
I know very well I can just pick up the phone when I feel that pain overwhelm me,and my A would be on the next bus home. It won't solve anything.I know that. I can bend and break for him a million times,and everything would remain the same.I can people please for the rest of my life,and everything would remain the same. I know God didn't put me here to spend my whole life bowing to other peoples will.
I'm smart enough to realise that this isn't the first time this has happened to me...it's happened over and over. I figure God is desperately trying to tell me something and I just wasn't listening.It's time to listen! If I keep compromising my own happiness in order to make everyone else's life easy for them,I'm darned sure that it will happen yet again.I'm determined NOT to let that happen. Nothing changes if nothing changes.I've always felt responsible for everyone else's happiness and peace of mind.But the truth is,I don't have that power.I'm a strong person,but heck I am not THAT strong!
Your personal growth in the time I have known you has been awesome and inspiring.There are bound to be constant reminders on the path when we see the mess people we love and care about do to themselves.And yes,it hurts like crazy. I have to keep reminding myself that that they too have their own HP. And that I am not their HP.
If I had a broken leg I would have to rest and take care of myself until it heals. I sure as heck wouldn't have to go out and break it again to get better!!
I'm going to allow myself the time I need to feel my pain and slowly,but surely,work my way through it.If I slip up on the way,I will accept that I need more time or that God is trying to show me something. I'm ready to listen.
You're doing just great ((((((kitty))))))). Hang in there sweetie.
"I am actually allowing myself the gift of isolating myself and allowing myself to actually feel the pain and teach myself how to work through it." -chris
That is exactly my point to my Aunt... I am healing & taking time & space out for me. It is my life & I deserve it!
thanks, chris, love -K
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Actually I have found it helpful to really step back and look at my family of origin and look at myself. And for me that meant dramatically cutting back on my interactions with others. I used to be hub of the social network and need to be needed. I was triggered all the time out there with others. I had to pull right back in order to identify my triggers and to identify my boundaries. So I can very much relate.
I had an aunt, my godmother actually, who told me a lot of stuff. Some things she was right about like my elder sister's actions. Other times she was just getting off trying to tell me what to do. I got a bit tired of her diatribes. I am very very very sad that I had really very very few people when I was a child teenager, even an adult who could give me solid warmth and advice and guidance. That is changing with al-anon and a willingness I have.
I do not feel alone with the computer. I would like a different life certainly, one without an active A, without financial uncertainity and with other things. I have to work towards it. My previous thinking ended up with me being with an active A so obviously I have to think differently. Sometimes for me that has meant completely cutting back.
