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I am struggling with how to have conversations with my A. If we say that all the mean, selfish and hurtful things an A does is beyond their control, how can you sort out the truth from the BS.
My A wants to seperate she 'says'. We seperated once before, and she was thrilled. Of course she had a BF at the time. I am struggling with how much do I resist this. Before I found this group I was ready to leave too. But now I see there is an option I have not exercised.
If I take her at her word, I shouldn't at all, because she is just as hurt from the relationship as I am and her mind is made up. Talking her out of it would be saying, "you're just being childish" or "I don't think you are capable to living your own life".
If I do work really had to make her stay, is it for her benefit ... or my need to save her.
My head is spinning. She wants to tell the kids this weekend. I am insisting that I at least be involved if not explane it to them.
Any input would be appreciated...
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Well - the truth is that u can't stop her from doing anything. Tell her simply that u hope she dosent do that but know that she will do what she has to do. Often this is just a threat to keep us in line. contoll is the big agenda for an A.
Begging pleading and threatning change nothing, to keep your recovery simple do the exact opposite to what u have alwys done and it has to work out different. Allowing the A the dignity to live thier lives the way they choose is damn hard work. Hardest thing i have ever done in my life.but it also gave me time to get m y life back on track.
Make thier own mistakes and get themselves out of the mess was a diff thing for me to do. but necessary. Until i stopped doing for him what he should be doing for himself - nothing changed . I hope u have found some f2f meetings for yourself .they will help alot ,will give u a diff perspective of what is going on. goodluck Louise
In the meantime, all of your emotions are involved. I understand.
It's true, she either is or isn't bluffing but truly isn't it better to deal with the truth of your situation? I find it very helpful when I am confused to write everything down. I write the questions racing through my head and I write my answers. All of the what if's I even answer. It helps to get it out of our heads and onto paper.
I agree with you that you should be there with your children. That way if they are upset, you can help to assure them that you will be there no matter what.
Other than that, keep coming. Keep posting and sign on into chat when you are struggling because it has helped me soooooooooo many times. We do have choices. We can live our best lives. We can choose not to be alone. We can choose not to believe A's perception of us. We can choose who to spend time with. We can choose to value ourselves enough not to be involved in a triangle.
My best,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I can soo relate to that head-spinning feeling! In my most recent relationship, my partner kept changing direction, and I kept guessing which way was up. I tried to fix, force, appease, and change, and nothing worked!
Gradually, through the program, what has helped me stay centered in my relationships is the following:
a) Now, when I have a relationship difficulty, I turn to the traditions to help guide me in my relationship decisions. I find that by responding to program principles, not the topsy-turvy emotions of As, I feel grounded, centered, and clear on my decisions.
b) I talk to a trusted friend or my therapist to figure out how I really feel. I know now that I quickly and easily loose myself when the person I am in relationship has intense feelings, or throws out blame or accusations. Talking out my feelings and perceptions helps me figure out how I really feel, who I really am, and how best to respond.
c) Listing five options for every difficult decision I have to make has been so useful. Now, I nolonger see only two options or no options LOL. It helps me put the focus back where it belongs--on me and see how I can best continue to support myself in building a joyful life.
d) As are predictable. I do a "walk-through" of difficult situations, and try to figure out how to make choices in my best interest. For example, if I were in your situation, a "walk-through" might help me figure out that I need to define "seperation" or where I needed to put boundaries. For example, if your A is true to form, she may beg you for this seperation and then several weeks later recant everything she's just said, and beg to come back. Having a clear plan for handling an As A-ness has helped me stay clear and grounded.
e) Take care of myself FIRST has been such a useful mantra. At times, I use it to get from one second to the next, LOL. It helps remind me to take a shower, or eat, or rest, especially during a difficult time. I feel good just knowing I am taking care of myself.
If I do work really had to make her stay, is it for her benefit ... or my need to save her.
How about for your benefit, in order to have love in your life, some joy, some companionship, some fun . . . if these thoughts don't even enter into the equation, maybe it's time to think about how this relationship meets (or doesn't meet) YOUR needs. You do have them, and you have a right to seek to have them met.
My A can certainly throw in that abandonment card as a trump. I think its interesting to note that A's are controlling too. My A is very very well versed on control and control techniques. That is one reason I do not discuss many of my life issues with him. I also do not discuss my plans.
I've been there done that on the lets try one more time stuff and the don't leave. I don't think any of them meant anything. I think it was just part of the cycle. I think that is very hard to fathom at the time because I have such severe abandonment issues that I can be thrown awol by the thought of being abandoned on different levels.
Now I look at the a's acting out as part of his aism not personal to me. Of course what's personal to me is that I have allowed it and permitted it and been involved in it. And I have to take accountability for that. My sponsor says that I do not have an equal sharing relationship and do not have to behave as such. At the same time at some point I would like to experience that and feel worthy of that.
I don't think it is about a concrete do this or do that or handle it by some instructions. I think we learn how to have a relationship with an A when we abide by the program and it starts to come intuitively rather than feel forced, or immersed in catastrophe or crisis.
I do know I love my a sister tremendously. I miss her a great deal but right now I do not know how to be with her. When I do I will surely interact with her again. Right now I am taking time out not for her but for me because I am very much worth it.
