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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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So, I'm at a loss here. I'm trying to work the program one day at a time. I'm new to this, so I know that I have a long way to go. My biggest struggle is the children. No, I take that back, it's me. You see, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to tell my A that if he's using, he's not allowed to make decisions regarding the kids. He would never physically hurt me, but the verbal lashings are tough sometimes. I know he loves me, I have never doubted that. But he can be pretty brutal with his voice box. I've learned to "stuff" things to avoid the lashings. I can't stand it when he's mad at me, can't stand it when anyone is mad at me. But his thinking has become so distorted at times. I have a realization that his use if finally catching up to him, but then I wonder if I'm over reacting. I'm not sure about myself, my feelings, my reactions. EX: sons car broke down weeks ago. We live out in the country. A complains about having to drive the kids to school and pick them up. I arrange the bus, now A says that I shouldn't have done that. He wants to take them if boy will get up in the morning without a fight. Agrees that we need to get him another vehicle. Now says (after boy and I have been activily looking for 2 weeks) that he wants to have the old vehicle looked at to see if it can be repaired. Son has been so excited about getting a pick up and now his father is changing everything. Chaos, all the time. One minute we're happy, the next, pissed off at dumbest things. The kids, especially our son, doesn't know which way is up anymore. Son told me last night that he can talk to me so much easier than his dad. Breaks my heart, he's leaving his kids with such bad memories. Hurting me cuz I don't know how to do this without falling apart. Can anyone give me any ideas on how to handle this situation. Am I crazy to think that there's something with his brain that's distorting his thinking? What do I tell the kids so that they don't completely disrespect their father and his opinions? Please help.
Hi Nettie and welcome. Are the kids old enough and mature enough to hear the truth? If they are, they already know what the truth is, but a discussion with them might be helpful. It is hurtful to us as parents when our children must suffer the acts of a parent, but there is not much you can do to protect them from that except leave and never come back. Assuming that is no option, be as loving and understanding as you can be with the children. They will need your stability more and more. Also consider counseling for them as well as yourself.
Now about boundaries...make them and keep them!!! You must make absolutely clear what you expect and do not expect, but remember...once you set a boundary, you must not deviate from the path of it, otherwise A knows you're a wuss and things are worse than ever. You are the one who must stand up and keep the family afloat. Keep in close contact with your God, whoever you perceive Him/It to be, and turn hubby over to his HP. You didn't cause this; your cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
I send all good wishes to you, hoping you will attend local Al Anon meetings and come here often where you will find caring, understanding people who will not judge. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Ooops. I thought you were new around here Nettie. I see you are not. Please do not be offended that I addressed you as a person who is new to all of this. My intentions were clearly caring. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
HI Nettie! I've been in your situation (or something equally confusing and painful) many many times in my life. It's truly mind-boggling how any of us ever get through the whole parenting bit, especially when there's an active A involved. All I can say to you is that over time, and with the help of counselling and the Al-Anon/Acoa programs, I have come to recognise that any "unmanageability" (ANY unmanageability) simply puts me at the threshhold of Step 2, which says, "Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves who could restore us to sanity". Here's where I can get a glimpse of what I can do for myself, and also a choice about things, instead of continuing to fret and go round and round on the A's merry-go-round! It isn't just one-day-at-a-time for me, but sometimes one-minute-at-a-time, or even one-breath-at-a-time! But that one second's recognition of the unmanageability and that I do have a higher power to turn to has brought me out of many a pit!
I am really really familiar with the insanity of living with an active A who is trying at the same time to control everything around him. I have been there and done that and felt entirely over responsible for everything.
I have felt responsible for the A's friends actions, his employer's actions, his health, his mood, his finances the works. Then I hit various bottoms and started only being responsible for me.
I think it is tragic that theA is choosing to confuse and upset his children at the same time he is making that choice. I used to want desperately to influence the As choice. Obviously they had a tremendous bearing on me but then the focus was all on him all the time. And to get better i had to put the entire focus on me.
Finances always seem to be an issue for many of us. Making do with what I have has never been easy for me. Trying to plan for me rather than for him was also incredibly difficult.
I stopped trying to be wonderwoman and started working on only me. I know the insanity of living around a's very very well because I came from a family where insanity was commonplace. I have been working on my teenage years (I am currently middle aged) and I cannot believe the kinds of double binds I was put in. These days I own my double binds. I own the impossibility of the situations I am in on many many levels and I pick the best way for me not for the entire world except me.
I also keep working on my own issues. I stopped taking the A's inventory, stopped making comments about his friends, his family (whoa his family are a whole encylopedia for me) and his life. I started working on mine.
I stopped being so caught up in his whirlwind. Does the A still have a whilwind going on. I think so last time I looked I just stopped being so involved with it.
