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We asked our 19 year old son to leave the house a week ago. Since then we feel like yo-yos. He's been back, then gone, back then gone. Finally Sunday, we said you have to leave.....he got angry and he did leave. And of course he left with an unsafe friend. He only packed his work clothes, so we knew he would be back soon. Tuesday morning he calls me on his way to work, asking me to unlock the doors so he can come and get his things. I could tell by his tone of voice, he was still ticked. I calmly told him no, but I let him know I had left a couple bags of this things on the front porch. He called again in the evening, angry because he wasn't allowed to stay with a certain friend's family, again a "using" friend. He wanted me to call them and ask them to let him stay. I told him I couldn't do that. Even though he was mad, I was able to tell him I loved him. I didn't ask him any questions, and he probably wouldn't have answered me respectfully anyway. Later in the evening he showed up on the porch, rattled the door very loud, getting my husband's attention. Hubby went to the door and asked him if he needed help. Our son wouldn't talk, only angrily pawed through his things, taking only a few items. I didn't even go to the door, because I knew it would only upset me. Our son wouldn't talk to his Dad at all, I know it shook my hubby. Then tonight as we were leaving with our younger son and his pal, our son shows up with another friend (unsafe). I stayed in the car while my husband got out to see what they needed. I know my son is really hurting and he's still very angry. He told my husband he'd been very sick, throwing up all day and he didn't make it to work. He wanted in to so he could eat. My husband came over to tell me in the car, with that look on his face, that he felt like we needed to take care of our sick son. I said to my husband, "we can't do that"........I felt horrible, but I knew we couldn't let him in. We were headed to a pot-luck and we told our son he was welcome to come to the pot-luck and have a meal. He refused and left again very angry. His friend was apologetic, and they left. I feel so cold-hearted, yet I believe it was the right thing to do. The incident really left my husband totally drained and upset. I don't know if it will get easier.....I just pray it doesn't take too long for him to decide he's ready to surrender to God. But I trust God and know His timing is perfect. We would really appreciate your prayers......never thought I'd ever be in this place. Praise God we aren't alone! Thanks for all your support!
That must be very hard but you are doing wonderfully. At my f2f there was speaker this week, something she said comes to mind. She said she used to work at a rehab center and one of the older A's told her that until he was made to feel his pain he didn't think about changing his life.
Recent experience in my own A's life has proven that to be true also. He always knew we'd be here, had no reason to stop. Not until he got sick and accidentally detoxed (it wasn't pretty), came close to dying, got pneumonia (2 wks in hosp) and had Dr's telling him if he drinks again he's probably a dead man, did he even begin to see reality.
He's still sick, still home, but I figure that is even more time to consider his life choices. The impact has to be be big for them, kinda like a kick in the head. Tough Love is tough, but it truly is love.
I'll pray for strength for you and your hubby and for your son to see the light.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
As a mother I can really feel your pain. I am going through similar circumstances myself. I so admire your courage and strength!!!
My son with bipolar/schizo affective is 35 but his illness and use of drugs is way too much for me to handle. Through his delusions most of his anger seems directed at me, and as he continues to deny his problem and really seek help, the delusions grow and therefore his anger also grows.
He is my firstborn and it breaks my heart, but with the help of this program and f2f meetings as well as this board, so far I believe my God is working.
I don't know the outcome, still putting one foot in front of the other.
As a mother. this is so very painful to read. I commend you on setting the boundaries and sticking by them. I have to believe that in the long run you are doing the right thing. I know your heart is broken as is that of his father. I honestly don't know if I would have the strength of character to pull it off. Please know you and your family are in my prayers. Your boy will find his way, and he will, one day, look back and realize his parents helped him to achieve a better life.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I can really identify with what you are going through. I'm sorry you had to make those tough choices, but I really admire you and your husband for sticking to it. You and your family will be in my prayers. I'm a mom too with boys and I know if it were my son, I'd feel the same way, but he has to make his own choice to straighten up. You are preserving yourself and your sanity so you can go on, and leaving your son with dignity to make his own choices. I really needed to read your experience today. Thank you for sharing, and stay strong.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I know how hard this is for you. I also know you are doing the right thing. The pain is overwhelming. Please know that I am praying for your whole family.
Well I can say that I did that once and I failed with it. He was back in a week, basd onthe "sickness" thing. It all did not go well and he ended up in jail. Strangely enough I was glad that he was there cause I knew he was getting three meals and he was not cold. IT is a hard hard thing to do. You are doing wonderfully I think. Hang in there...Mamasan
Hugs for you and your hubby. I have not nor cannot imagine experiencing what you are going through.
If it helps, at AA meetings that I have been attending (trying to understand "sigh") they say the same things that you have been doing. They say they need that tough love because they are master manipulators. You may want to attend an open AA meeting. It's unreal. There's no mincing words.
I just wanted to say we are here for you and hubby,
Keep coming and keep posting,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Mel, That is probably the toughest choice you have made. I am a mom, I had to kick my son,Dwayne, out also. About 4 years ago, he was 24. Both my husband (not his dad) & I work full time. I was doing a "sleepover" @ my job then. I would stay from Wednes.-Sat. one week, then Thurs. -Sat. the next week. My son refused to work. He would quit job after job. He had plenty of time to sit around & play video games & go out with friends.
He didnt move into this house with us when we bought it in 1996. He was staying @ my parents house. So moving in here was a strain on all of us. He was in a bad way, no job, had to quit college. I offered to let him stay here, get a job, get on his feet. I didnt charge anything. I wanted to help him. We fought about him quitting jobs. He lied to me about one job,it was through a temp agency, told me the assignment was through. Found out later, he quit & stayed @ my sisters's house in the city to make it look like he was working.
I asked him to leave, he too came back, I let him back in, asked him to leave, we went through it over & over unitl finally I put my foot down & told him he HAD to go!! I cried myself to sleep that night. I worried, where was he, was he safe, was he cold, was he scared. It was hell. Reading your post, those feelings came back. I understand how painful it is. It was the worst thing i ever went through.
I found out, he slept in his car that night, then called my parents the next day, they put him up in a room for few nights. That sort of defeated the whole purpose. We do talk now, he is over that, not angry anymore. He is finally finishing his 4 year degree, next May. He's living in a house with other guys in college. He is working, has been for a long time now.
i'll keep you & your family in my prayers. It is sooo hard to use tough love!!!!!!
(((((((mel)))))))))) I know this must have to be the hardest thing you have ever done. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Beth love ya
