The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As most of you know, my mother has been abusing me & taking jobs away from me after working for the family for 5 years. She called early today at 830, saying to finish the account's receivable 1 more month, as it will be a Quarter & makes more sense. Okay.
What really bugged me the most is this is now March & my Birthday month. For 37 years she would wake me up & say, "it's ur b-day month baby." Not this time.
I went to the house w/ the rents from today, upon leaving, I gave her a big hug & said "Happy Birthday month" (since she always reminded me it was as much for her as for me, she did all the work!) She said, 'oh, did u say Happy Birthday for Savannah?' her dog that is born on leap year ~ and "no" we had already discussed the dog's one yr mark.
I said, "No, this is my Birthday month."
Geez... Then she offered me some biscotti's & "egg nog, soy milk" (which is awesome & loaded w/ protein by the way) of course I took that home. There was also a huge tub of English dark chocolate candies with mint cookie bits inside. I had a tiny nibble & read the label, 8 fat gms & 4.5 saturated fat a piece. I said, "these are too saturated for me, have you been giving them to your A & your b/f?" she said "no, to the dogs." I told her, "mom, chocolate is toxic to dogs" - that pissed her off!
okay, God I surrender, if she kills her dogs with chocolate, she knows better. I did inquire as to whether she & her husband & her b/f are all still hanging out together during the weekends, going to dinners & movies, "Yes." Too weird for me.
She continues to hate me for changing, it seems... brand new watch, new fancy bicycle for the workout room (to go next to her digital eliptical machine) & some new fancy sit up machine. okay, she says she won't pay my cell phone anymore & she has bought one for her boyfriend & obviously the bike machine is for him, he was a cyclist for years.
God help me to surrender them to their own problems. I forgive her for her anger towards me cuz I am changing & healing. So many demands, so many broken promises... and she continues to neglect & abandon me. Thank You Father for saving my life as this month also marks the one yr anniversary of when I tried to OD last year, a week b4 my birthday.
I am definetely a different person than I was 1-20 years ago. I could not drag myself out of bed, loathed the day, was depressed, miserable, guilty, in excruciating pain.
Now I wake up & say, "Thank You God for my life & my voice, Your will be done."
-K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
She is not the person I used to know... the disease is changing her in very sick ways... I surrender them all, all I can do is control myself, change myself, work on curing myself.
Thank You God for never giving up on me, as I have done so many times! Amen.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It does not sound like you - I love to read your posts, and have benefitted from your esh.
We are all vulnerable, under the skin, it is good to reach out, let people see how the alcoholism affects us all.
Sometimes, I feel so "up" - think I have cracked the whole way to live. Sometimes, the disease kicks me in the face - people I love, let me down, or, more often, put me down. You are a survivor, Kitty, you have made huge steps to recovery, and helped many people here, pat yourself on the back, give yourself some credit!
It's ironic. Last night I shared about how often I went to the hardware store to buy groceries. UGH!!!! And then when I get hurt, I wonder hmmmmmm how come nothing changes if nothing changes?
I'll keep coming and I hope you do too.
Love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
My own mother did a lot of wedging to me with other people. Everyone was always better than me. She never did have any praise for me and I absolutely craved it from her for my whole life. I spent 15 years not talking to her on any level and that was a relief of sorts. It gave me some space to really begin looking at the mess that was my childhood.
I think those kinds of acts are incredibly hard to detach from and I had to grieve my mother as an adult as well as what she did to me as a child. When I was an adult I remember one of the last Christmases I spent with her I went to my sister's house. My mother had brought all these presents for my sister's friends. She barely if ever acknowledged if I had any. When I had them she had nothing good to say about them, if the friendship ended suddenly they were worthy. My mother really did everything she could her whole life to project all her bad onto me and being a child and then an adult child I did not know how to deflect it. I think I was totally poisoned by her and I felt incredible self hate most of my life.
I had a dream last night of standing up to someone who abused me a few years ago on the job. I could not stand up for myself then I can now. I know my therapist says that I am working on ways to rewrite my past. I did stand up to my mother on many levels before she died and eventually I did say No to her on many many levels. That was hard for me and I continue to have to say No to her symbollically when anyone comes and tries to lay their own hatred on me.
I am very sad that your mother does not honor you and cherish you what a loss that is for her.
Okay.
Not this time.
Thank You God for never giving up on me, as I have done so many times! Amen.
