The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Something that I have seen a lot in myself, and can tell that others do it too, from posts here, is to envy the drunk.
"He gets to sit in the bar, while I have to blah blah" we say. He's out drinking, or passed out in front of the TV, while we raise the kids, keep the house, earn the living, be the adult. The less he does, the more we have to - the more we do, the less he feels HE has to - it's an endless circle.
The other day, my husband made some remark about the dog not getting much exercise sitting out in the back yard. It was a veiled dig at me, as the dog has put on some weight and is a little chubby, and so am I. I was quite ticked off - after all, my husband wouldn't even have to take off his socks to count the number of times HE'S walked that dog in the last five years, meanwhile *I* have ....well, what have I done? I've gone for long strolls on warm summer nights under that stars with that dog. I've walked through gently falling snow, crunched through drifts of dry leaves in the fall. I've taken him off leash through golden hay fields, I've let him swim in the river, chasing ducks. Everybody in town knows me and my little black dog, they stop to pass the time. I've gotten miles and miles of exercise, fresh air - I know every street in town. By any sensible measure, I'm better off than my husband, when it comes to dog walking. The same is true, even MORE true, when it comes to raising the kids. Yes, I have done the lion's share of the work raising those kids - many times I have felt like a single mother. And, I am the one who has an incredibly close relationship with them. I am the one with a lifetime's worth of memories of them, the one who they will remember when ever they play cards, or read to a child, or cook, or take a child to a playground, or put up Christmas decorations, or.... My kids love their dad (a triumph in itself) but it's ME they come to whenever they need to talk.
Thank you -- The past two days I've been hauling around a six shooter loaded with resentments of this kind...with about two reloads. lol Thank you for helping me put it back into perspective. I actually feel that junk leaving me... how nice.
Wonderful post, LIn! Thank you for the good reminders that there really are different ways to see the same thing, depending on our attitude. It's not always easy, and I've certainly had my share (and more!) of resentments, but when I can let go to a higher power, be grateful for what's happening now, and count my blessings, it seems to turn things around and then I can see the good stuff even in the midst of chaos. There's a lot of poetry in your post, just as there is in real life!
Thanks for the post.. I really needed to hear that. I too have done the majority of the household duties, raising the kids, and earning a living.. I too have a very close relationship with the kids who are now 17 and 15.. My son and daughter talk to me about everything.. We are like glue, we stick together. Sometimes, I do envy my husband, we fight he leaves and gets drunk while i stay with the kids putting on a brave face telling them it will be okay..
Thanks for reminding me that in the end I am the winner. I am the one with the strong relationship with my children.. One i will cherish forever..
thank you so much. I really needed to hear that today. I am blessed beyond belief for my children and the things I have accomplished despite this disease. I needed to be reminded that in the end I will be ok.
Very well put, Lin. I truly felt sorry for my H while he was drinking. He was missing so much with the kids, missing their childhood, not being able to be there for them because even when he was around, he was gone....
Thank you lin....I know at times dealing with A's that I did feel empathy for them for all they were missing. I know at times I was very sad when my AH had been drinking that he missed out on living. That is what I choose to do...live my life. You said it so well...again thank you for sharing.
i am someone who always wants to understand how the other person is feeling....certainly part weakness, part lack of focus on self, but also you learn a lot from being in someone elses shoes. this was really hard for me with my A beau...i remember realizing i couldn't really understand him...i remember saying "no, i don't understand and i hope to god i never do! " the place they reside in their A hell is different from our misery and i do not want to understand it and i do not envy their reality at all. thanks for putting your words to it so well. and for thanking us all as you thank yourself for all the beautiful caretaking of the positive parts of our lives(ie children) we get to do.
You are a poet. My AHsober doesn't drink but I have often envied his ability to zone out while I take everything on emotions and all with no protection. Love my kids and all that I have done with them. Run with my dogs almost every day and it is my pleasure.
I woke up this morning with my son snuggled up on one side, my older daughter on the other, and my younger daughter jumping on top of me. My AH sober more than likely is waking up alone. I've got nothing to envy... aside from the fact that he's got the king size bed (which just won't fit in this house) and I'm in a single!
Great post! Beautifully stated! Thanks for sharing this. It provides great insight to your character. Keep up the good work; your self-esteem is right up there.
Best wishes for a grand new year,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Wow...I can't count how many times I have said to myself, Must be nice to be able to just sit around and drink beer. But you're right. Not nice at all. Thank you so much for the perspective.
AWESOME POST!! Sure gave me the warm and fuzzies :) Funny, I was feeling down on myself a couple weeks ago, and had a call from each of my kids, telling me how glad they are to have me for a Mom. That to me, was the most beautifful gift they could ever have given me! They hadn't seen or talked to me or each other, in a while, so I know it wasn't from something I had said or done or hadn't done. It just came out of the blue. Hmmm HP maybe?? It sure is great to know how much your kids care, and how they have such wonderful warm and fuzzy memories.
Thanks again for the beautiful post, with warm & fuzzy feelings, TLC
-- The past two days I've been hauling around a six shooter loaded with resentments of this kind...with about two reloads. lol Thank you for helping me put it back into perspective. I actually feel that junk leaving me... how nice. 
