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I haven't posted in a while, I was busy all last week. I had been doing really well with setting boundaries with my "a" and he kept asking to come home last week. He said he thought he wanted the separation but then realized exactly what that meant. We talked with our family therapist on Monday and she felt that we were both finally talking from our hearts about our own problems. She suggested that we get together and talk about the boundaries and needs of what we each have in order for the reconciliation to be succussful. So we did just that Monday night, we spent two and half ours talking about our feelings and putting boundaries to them to protect ourselves. One of the big requests I had was for him to keep this new relationship with this girl from work just that a friend at work. I expressed to him that if reconciliation was to happen then he needed to end any relationships outside of ours. I explained how vulnerable and insecure I felt because I wasn't completely sure that she was "just a friend". Well of course he refused to stop the friendship he stated that she is not an issue in our relationship and that I cannot tell him who he can be friends with. Then I said well, can I at least meet her if you guys hang out so that she knows we are back together. He said fine. Yesterday he calls me at work and says that he's going back to his apartment after work to get a television to give back to one of his coworker's and pick up a few things. I asked how he was getting there and he said by this female friend.
I couldn't believe it, I really thought he understood how I felt. I said why did you ask her to help you I could have done it. He blew up at me and said this is the same crap you pulled over the weekend and last night I told you I can see who ever I want. He began generalizing and I said I don't have a problem with you seeing anyone else except her, I have an issue with her!! He got angry again and screamed more words and obscentities and hung up on me. After trying to reach me a few times he left me a message stating that he would be over the house to pick up his things and that the relationship was over because he refuses to allow me to control his life and who he can see. I was just crushed, we had a great weekend together, but now I realize there were some red flags I encountered this weekend and just allowed him to explain them away. I obviously moved to quickly on this. The end result he stuck to his feelings, refused to hear my feelings, refused to validate my feelings, called my psycho and said he couldn't be in a relationship with me. I got so worked up I just basically told him to choke on his choice I hope she's worth it, don't call, don't want to ever see you again in life, and I'll see ya in court. Not a very mature choice of words, but I just couldn't believe he was really going to allow this woman to come between us. I guess I could have given in, but honestly it really is an issue for me and I'm tired of ignoring my feelings so I can make the "a" feel better about himself.
The worst part is now it only encourages the lack of trust I have about him and this person, I dont trust that he will take care of my feelings or respect my needs and desires. I don't trust bringing him into the home now because what happens when we get into another arguement he'll threaten to leave or just leave. It teaches my kids that if someone gets mad at them, will they be forced to leave too? I can't do that to them or myself anymore. I'm just sitting in the pain today and hopefully I will gather enough strength to pull myself up and start on the recovery road again. It was such a disappointing setback I really did not expect it.
Any comfort or comments are welcome thanks friends,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I don't think you are off base here at all. Yours was a basic request to ensure more trust between the two of you, not a control issue (IMO) Seems to me your A is missing the point. Weigh it out on the big scales. Put you and your family on one side and his friend on the other..... You and I can plainly see what is more important, he obviously cannot.
Let go and let God..
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You are right; you don't have to ignore your feelings or explain away things to make him feel better. I don't want to be negative, but I really think he wants to be with you, but still have some fun on the side. I think he does have something with this other woman. I think if he wanted to work anything out with you, he would be willing to give up that relationship. He has to know that it won't work with you if he's hanging around with her! I don't think any progress was made on his part. You don't have to give in and pretend like this woman doesn't bother you just to keep the peace and make him happy. In the end, you won't be happy and that's what's important. You need to be happy in the long run.
Don't worry about the comments you made to him that sounded immature; we've all been there! He is making it sound like you are the problem and I hope you don't take that to heart. All A's seem to make it sound like everyone who doesn't let them just do what they want, whenever they want and with no regards to anyone else's feelings, is a problem to them. Remember, YOU are not the problem. You are willing to try. You have the right to ask that he not see this other woman. I told my AH that I didn't want him hanging out with the neighbor lady and that it would bother me. I feel that I have that right. After all, she is the one who "saved" him from my evil bitching and took him to the bar to help him drown his sorrows. She is sympathic to his plight of having to live with a bitch like me who won't let the poor guy drink. I can totally relate to you.
We all have setbacks and we all have to start over. You can make another start and go on. I remember hurting so bad about things like that, but if you wait long enough, things turn around. There might come the day when he will regret his decisions and by that time, you maybe won't care anymore and the pain will be gone. Time heals a lot. I hope your kids are okay. This stuff is so hard on them. Take care of yourself.
