The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well all I got to put the new service that a fellow alanoner at f2f suggest where they will come out w/ a mobile response within an hour.
Well we get home from the visit. I ask my daughter if she did Monday's homework. Nope. She didn't do it when i asked Monday, she stayed home sick today and I asked her to do it while in bed, she hadn't. I told her no phone until she got her homework done. I look over and she is on IM, I told her no IM either. The screamed excuses start. I need IM to concentrate ! (huh? lol) I was asking my friend how they were they were in the hospital. I don't know how to do this friggin homework and you never f* show me. I told her to come here, and she is yelling and screaming that she never understands me, etc. She rips up a bunch of papers, including what looks like the homework, tells me this is why everyone hates me, cause I'm such an ahole. She starts throwing stuff around. Pushes me. I'm calmly talking to her and I have a glass in my hand she looks at the glass and swats it. She yells at me for throwing her homeworn that she ripped in half in recycling as I'm cleaning.
Screw this, I call the mobil crisis unit. They are out in under an hour. They had her sign a safety contract that she wouldn't be hurting herself and others and it lists things she can do. I signed it as well that I'd help.
This organization also works w/ dyfs. She said that I may qualify for some free assistance from counselors from them with youth therapists that deal especially w/ the affects of addiction in the household. She also did inquire on what the exit strategy was with my wife from the hopital. I told her that we didn't have one because we werent' sure when she was getting out. I explained that dyfs was going to stay in touch w/ the pysch unit and be involved in her release. She confirmed that dyfs does that in these cases. I also told her that I am not bring my wife her purse, etc so she'd have no money, etc. I also explained that I had a domestic violence complaint against her and that I could get a temp restraining order which I'd do if she was released. She said that was perfect.
My Sis in law was very concerned as the nite b4, my daughter expressed that she couldn't get the visions out of her head. That she was to blame, that everyone in the house hates her, etc. Her therapist is on vacation, physciatrist can't get in until thursday. The alateen meeting that I don't usually go to but she was going to go to was cancelled. I couldn't win. HP at work, this was my only option and it seems to have gotten the ball rolling on a few things for me.
That all worked out pretty well, all things considering.
......................
On the hospital visit front last nite. My A asks if I brought her cell phone. She had never asked for it and this hospital is strict. Nope. I forgot her glasses and lip balm, but had a extra lip balm in the car.
She apologizes to the kids, says she is never going to do this again (heard THAT before). She askes my daughter what the note said. I cut her right off. We aren't going to discuss that. She tries again, again, I reinforce it. Later the A asks me if I told the school what happened. I said, if I fell it will benefit the kids, I'll do it. Yup I told them. "why couldn't you just tell them you had a family emergency blah blah blah" Then she directs it to the kids. "Your father just does that to focus all the attention on himself.....blah." I was just about to get the kids and walk out when my daughter told her to stop it and she did.
On the way out, I left the kids in the hall for a second. My A said, she just thought it would help my daughter to talk about it. I told her, it will help from anyone but YOU. She is in a very bad place right now and it needs to be handled properly and by anyone but her. I told her, if you need to know what the note said, ask the nurse to see it, it's part of your chart.
So for now, I'm convinced that this is not her bottom. She continues to behave in the same destructive self serving (tho self destructive behavior) even while she craps charcoal.
HP guide me thru this. I want to make the right decisions.
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
So sorry for all the pain. Your daughter is so very lucky to have you as a father. Anger is her way of reaching out for help, as this is what my son does bump.
My prayers are with you and your family. I wish the very best for all of you.
Stay strong Bump. Once again, what a great father you are.
First and foremost,,you are doing the best you can with what you have, along with your children. As you will find with anyone in especially "early recovery" the "isms" of the disease do not go away over night. If she is truly seeking treatment for her alcoholism, it will be a long road, and it will not be an easy one. There will be days of "silver linings" then there will be slips. Be patient, you are doing great. Keep close to your alanon friends at this time, and the answers will come. As said before , you are an outstanding man and father, and your children are very lucky to have you, and taking care of yourself will not only help you but your children as well.
I am so sorry that this does not give you hope for a recovery attempt from your wife. That must be a difficult thought after all you have been through these last days. I'll pray for you and your wife.
I do know that sometimes a group dynamic, while it may be harmful, is a tough thing to change. Sometimes, when one member of a group who was very important falls away, someone else will subconsciously try to 'fill the role'. If there was a certain level of tension in the house, and now there is a change, your daughter may deal with it with behaviour that mirrors the missing personality.
Not that I am saying that she will drink, just that she may be re-creating the level of discord that was there before. Sometimes, what we are used to is what we become cofortable with, even if we hate it. We will try to maintain the 'status-quo' because it is what is familiar. When things change, it can be hard to find new ways of 'being' . . . it can be a coping method to try to keep up what was there before, to lessen the change.
This may or may not be in your case, Bump. But I have heard of it and have seen it happen.
She may just be paralyzed by what she has experienced. I hope she settles down a bit and can open up and receive the help she needs. I know you are a very understanding parent, Bump, and you will take good care of her and the others and yourself. You sound sooo strong, but it must be soo hard!
There is no way of knowing when and where another person will reach their bottom.
Here in Jersey after a suicide attempt it is a two week observation in a psych unit. It is possible DYFS could even enforce more. maybe they will get through to her, maybe they won't.
You need to focus on how this is effecting you and the kids, that you do have control over. It is great that youo used the mobile crisis team. Keep reaching to every tool and service they can offer you. The hospital will worry about what is good for your Wife, you worry about helping you guys.
I know how difficult it is, (almost imposssible) to handle crisis as a sole parent, but please don't burn yourslef out. The kids are the focus of your attention and it is great that they are, but remember, if you don't keep yourself healthy, you cannot be there for them. Take time to breath and to be good to yourself as well. I think we all go into protect the kids mode and we figure we will worry about oursleves later. Make sure you worry about you as well. You are an amazing father, but you are slao a human being and all of this has to be taking a toll on you, physically and emotionally.
Everything happens for a reason and HP is controlling the reins even though it may not seem like it at the moment. This is your time for an enforced break from your A. Let go a little and let the agencies take on a bit of your burden, that is what they are there for. Your daughter will take out her frustrations on you because you are the one she loves and she can count on. No point telling Mum, she can't even be responsible for her own actions. Hard enough being a teenager without dealing with this as well. You know deep down she is probably feeling that she has to be the adult and play the parent where her Mum is concerned and she will be feeling resentful of this. Try and find some time out for yourself you need it. Luv Leo xx
Just recently I took the time to look back at all the "big things" that have happened in my life, going back 20 yrs or so. They all lead to one place, right where I am. Right where I'm supposed to be. I could go in to detail but who wants to hear 20 yrs of crap? lol Let's just say some traumatic experiences made me much stronger although they hurt to the depths of my soul. That strength allowed me to know that I could get through much easier things. And how ironic that almost a year to the day after I entered the doors of Alanon, my A went through his detox (albeit not willingly) and I had the tools to handle it ? Life's a huge puzzle, all the pieces fit in little by little. Sometimes we can look back and see why things happen, sometimes we never figure it out. Lately, I've looked back and been in awe. Last night on the way to my f2f I drove by a church sign, when I got to the f2f I wrote what it said down before I forgot. It said: Sorrow looks back Worry looks around and Faith looks up
Keep the faith bumper... In HP's time :)
love you Christy We look around us for
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
sit your children down one by one.... if it was me... and i was in your daughters shoes..i would be crying out for some love, attention and re-assurance that my whole world wasnt falling apart.
sit her down, hug her, tell her how much you love her.. tell her how proud you are of her...recall a happy memory from her childhood... like how you felt the day she was born...a day ye spent together..etc...
she needs that total love and focus on her just for a little while... she' prob feeling that her "MOM" is getting all the attntion for doing something stupid..so why should she start.
the hospital is taking care of your "A"..you take care of your little girls.
Hard enough to deal with a teen, but one who has gone through what your daughter has - yikes! I agree with others - she is acting this way because she just can't control and contain her feeligns, and you are someone safe to take it out on. She knows you won't stop loving her. If you can, deal with it the way you dealt with temper tantrums as a toddler - calm, loving, but firm and not caving in to the nonsense. If there is any way to ease the demands of daily life right now, that would probably help - this is not the time to be stressing over a messy room, or dishes, etc. Go for paper plates and take out - make life easy in the things that don't matter.
So glad to see you reaching out for help. The lesson this teaches your kids is a great one - it's understandable to be overwhelmed at a time like this, but there are healthy ways to deal with it.
"I'm convinced that this is not her bottom. She continues to behave in the same destructive self serving (tho self destructive behavior) even while she craps charcoal.
"bumpster" i have been keeping up with u and i absolutly agree with U....i , too, don't think she has hit her bottom.......they say when the pain gets BAD enough, they drag themselves into recovery-----boy some of em have a HIGH pain threshold....been saying this about my brother each time he ends up with seizures, et al, from toxic overload in his body and hes in the hospital half dead, i think "ok, NOW he'll get himself into recovery" but nope...he is still BS'ing his way through life, blaming everyone but himself....the beat goes on......my druggie daughter, thinks she has NOT a problem at all w/drugs.....as her teeth get more and more yellow and she becomes more spindly, i just throw up my hands, take care of me, love them/ support them/ but NO MORE caretaking..... no more enabling...i let them both suffer their consequences........i have another a brother who called me yesterday, telling me he didn't pay his cell and has no cell now......i just said "well, when u get enough of the BS, negative karma, MAYBE u will get sick of it and get into AA" nope, hes not interested....doesn't think he is "that bad" and i just go "ok, i am not sending U $$ for your cell--- U lost it---U reinstate it".........i let them reap what they sow now, i care very much about them, but NO more being a "buffer" to them............my heart goes out to U BIG TIME........hugs n prayers to U.......rosie
You are all hurting so much, I completely understand. Anger comes after pain, most of us don't want to face our pain... so anger is the chosen outlet. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Sounds like HP does want you to go thru the DYFS.
Your own kid tearing up homework cursing at you when you're trying to help. (I think my mother would have killed me!) I can't imagine your patience! I vote you for sainthood.
Kids of A's (even kids of divorced healthy parents) always think it is their fault, remind them this has nothing to do with them, their mom is sick & you love them.
God Bless You Bob! Saying prayers for you & yours.
I invoke God to be with you & your family now, may your healing be swift & everyone willing to change. Amen.
It is harder to change when it's forced on you & they have years of resentments built up, hang in there, none of this is anyone's fault... this disease kills love & destroys families, the healing begins!
-K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Bobump: I am very sorry to hear about this issue with your daughter. I am glad to hear that you are setting firm limits with your wife.
I hope that you get a clear answer soon on what the next step will be. It does not sound like she is yet seeing a psychiatrist and going over what the impulse was around her suicide attempt. I am very sad that you feel she is still in denial. I know my own denial at my own depression(s) can be very hard to crack. Getting help is really a formidable thing. I think it can be a tremendous obstacle for the alcoholic and the al-anon.
I have not been in a long term psychiatric unit but I understand they have a lot of groups there and there is a lot of focus on family behavior. I hope if your wife manages to go there that will help her. I am sure she feels very very guilty about her attempt and the effect it has had on the children.
I've heard many many stories in AA about what it took for some people to get to a bottom and for some people it is the near death experience that does it. I think it also can come from the people around them. I have felt at times when help was offered to me it was not the kind of help I wanted. To get to a place of seeking out help and being discerning about it has been very very hard. I know for me when people have been barking at me "get help" I stubbornly resisted. I know that does not make sense but part of what got me to survival as a child was that stubborn independence that in time also nearly killed me as an adult. I guess it may appear to be willful to others but I know having had to bring myself up (having no real parents but two psychos who beat me) it was my first line of defense for a long long time. I am sure it absolutely infuriated people around me.
I do not know what your wife's background is but it sounds like you are aware of it and know that there is a lot of material to pursue. I know that having had my own background of being abused I tend to do a lot of work on rescuing others and thinking I know best for others when I actually need to take care of myself. I know I also send out signs to be rescued when really what I need to do is to learn how to do self care. The line between rescue, compassion and support can be blurred so easily for some of us when there is a crisis. I am so glad for you that you are able to keep on the side of the line that feels right for you.
I am glad that you can reach out to alanon for support at this time. I am sure that this is bringing up a ton of stuff for you and managing it must be very very difficult.
