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Picked up a list of Rx from the pharmacy so that the Hospital can see what she was on. I noticed that she got a new doctor to begin prescribing her oxycodone. Well, I agreed not to call her doctors but all bets are off after you try to commit suicide.
I spoke to her phychiatrist today to let him know what was going on. He asked if she was still drinking. She said that she wasn't. Duh. LOL
I have been bequeathed the MIP Screw. I feel honored. I've already reached into my pocket and grabbed it today and read the reminder that my Alanon family is always with me.
A fellow Alanoner who's anonymity I will leave for them to break, LOL cooked my family a huge pan of baked ziti. On top of that, they gave me a loaf of Italian bread and an apple pie. Ziti and bread are in tummy as I type. LOL Yummiiiiiiii.
I went to my wife. I almost felt like it was a mistake to go today. My sis in law was talking to me about my daughter seeming to take finding her pretty bad. So I went in, in a foul mood. I was obviously not happy but I was polite.
She asked me about the fireman or emt or policeman saying they found a whole bunch of bills all over the place in the bedroom. I told her that I only found a few loose pills but I found pill bottles all over place. I asked if she knew what she took. She said no. I told her they said they found traces of ambien but that I didn't think she had any of that. No answer. I told her that it also appeared that she took a bunch of Tylenol PM cause there was quite a bit missing. She started to question how I would know that, if I was counting her pills, etc.
I snapped back, listen, I was doing my job looking for pills that you took. She continued on the pill counting questioning. I told her, why don't you worry about getting your sh** together instead of how I know how many pills you took. I had actually counted them for some reason last week. Don't ask me exacty why, but I did. She goes off on me about not having any compassion for me. I told her, I do have compassion for you, I was here yesterday crying beside your bed. I rode up w/ you in the elevator from ER to Critical Care w/ the defibrilator on her bed in case of an immediate need.
Finally I told her that her daughter was the one that found the her in the bathroom and found the note in kitchen while I called 911. Later I told her, you know your daughter isn't handling it very well that she was the one who found you. She said I didn't mean for the kids to see it. Gawd I wanted to choke some sense into her. What did she expect ?
After some silence she starts on me that she is sorry she hurt the kids but she was afraid and hurt that dyfs was coming and I didn't tell her. That she didn't understand what I said that she couldn't be w/ the kids alone. - ugh, we both said things to the therapist that prompted the call. - I didn't tell her because she would have hid her alcohol use, AND tried to coach the kids. (control maybe but realistic) - I WILL not tell her that my 9 yo son told the school counselor that he is afraid of his mom and is having nightmares about her. She will hold that over his head like a black cloud and lightening waiting to strike. She does it w/ me. She does it w/ our 13 yo daughter w/ things. No way.
I was getting rather firm, at one point the nurse told me to calm down a bit. I never raised my voice but I'm sure the amount of disgust and anger was evident.
She was to be transferred after lunch to a regular floor. More observation and then off the psych unit. The nurse says she seems to feel safe for not. They have a feeling that she will go voluntarily to the unit but will try to check herself out against medical advice. With child services involved that will do her no good. That is for sure.
Another visit this evening. The the daughters are going. My son isn't so sure. My daughter wants to giver her a note. It's full of anger. I'm not sure it's a good idea. Not in her condition. This coming from the guy who the nurse said to back it up a notch. :(
That's all so far folks. I'm still amazed at the outpouring of support.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I'm just continuing to pray for you and the kids and "thy will be done". The note from daughter is a tough call. Daughter needs to be heard, but wife may not be stable enuff to hear it. Maybe your daughter could share the letter at Alateen for now? I dunno. Just a thought...
Hang in there my friend.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You are doing great. It is perfectly acceptable to express some frustration towards her. The nurse certainly does not know what goes on in your lives. Bundle the kids together tonight and watch a funny movie with them. It would do you all some good to have a laugh, no matter how inappropriate it might seem. The heart needs it.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
Thanks for the update, you know you're doing the right thing. My mom was mad at me for finding a way to save her too.
Thank God ya'll had all those hours of counseling lined up. You & your kids surely have a lot of pain stored up over everything & now this, it's kinda like bursting a cyst. At least it's releasing but now all the yucky stuff inside oozes out.
I agree w/ paintthinner, watch a funny movie, laughter is good for the soul & helps our healing. You & your family are in all of our prayers, love you deeply bro, call me anytime.
-Kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I really feel for you. My A has used the threat of suicide as a sort of sword over our heads a couple of times "Be nice to me or I'll kill myself". I just hate it - I want to feel for his pain, but I also can see the manipulation involved. They are so sick and self absorbed, and who pays? The kids.
I don't know if I agree about shielding her from your daughter's anger - she is in a safe place just now, with access to counselling - maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing for her to have to face the pain and havoc her actions cause in her kids. Why should the child have to suck it up, in order to protect the adult?
I dunno, maybe the relationship between her and the kids is none of your business, and just stay out of it. I know I spent much of my life protecting the kids from the A, and the A from the kids, and it didn't help anybody, just made things worse.
Take what you like and leave the rest - for some reason my post is full of anger, and I'm not quite sure at who. I guess I was held hostage to the suicide threat too often, and it's a sore spot with me.
MY PRAYER... O HP, please guard my soul from pride, my heart from callousness, and my mind from too much focus on unimportant things and not enough on your things. Teach me in my heart what it means to be about my Father's business, especially in the world of my thoughts! Through you HP, my greatest example of time spent with you. Amen.
Blessings to You and Your Family at this Time chin Up and Let it begin with You!
Sounds to me like you did great! Of course your frustration would show through, how couldn't it.
It doesn't sound like she gets it yet. The psychiatric unit is the best place for her. I hope she goes willingly.
I think I agree with what someone else said, she is in a safe place right now, maybe this would be the time to see the letter. Your daughter needs to be able to get her feelings out.
Do something nice with the kids tonight, you all deserve it.
hey "bumpy" my heart goes out to U!!!! U R doing gr8 taking care of U and kids.....thats all U can do.....what will be will be.......i have come to the point with my alkies and druggies, that i am going to take care of me.....LOVINGLY detach and place them in the hands of the source and thats all i can do.........i won't let them drive me nuts anymore....i just can't...whos gonna take care of me if i let them take me down???? NOONE!!!! so i love them, but detach/ give them over!!!! i actually feel more peace than i ever did......god its hard, but we dont' have ANY other choice.......when and IF the pain gets bad enough, MAYBE, one can hope, they will drag their butts into recovery like we did!!!!! if they dont??? than it is out of our hands.... hugs, and prayers to U from ur friend in recovery, rosie
God Bless You. I agree with the posts that mention that maybe the reaction from your daughter would be better off heard. Our As go through a constant pattern and depend on this pattern to heal-just to be able to go back to their behaviours. There is the climb into a bad place,there's the descent into a nightmare, there is the acting out behaviour (be it deeply rooted in attention seeking, selfishness or what-not), the fall-out which burns the A and everyone around him/her,the healing they go through(that we undoubtedley help with trying to cushion THEIR self inflicted damage)....then blaming us for their behaviour which leads us right into their feeling comfortable enough to start this pattern again.
Remember your daughter feels bitterness and has no one to direct her young concerns to.My own mother was a constant A...in and out of rehabs and making my life a solitary hell. If you give her the choice to process these feelings with her mother directly,there won't be a suppressed pile of emotions to excavate down the road. I also realize and have experienced that when we as the As' mates DO try to explain,with all of our heart without breaking down, how our children are being affected...(not ALL of the time)...they tend to think we are either lieing or just trying to make them feel guilty;if they aren't able to hear it from the children directly.
Please take care.I couldn't be cheering for your strength any more than if I was there in person.Stay strong...and know no matter what you decide..we will be there to count on no matter what.
My goodness ((((((((((((((((bump)))))))))))))))) you really are going through the mill aren't you?
My thanks to the alanoner who sent the yummy food...dang it,I'd send you a pie myself if it were possible from here!!! lol.
I know we aren't supposed to give advice....I just felt I wanted to relate something that happened to my family years ago.My ex husband was a manic depressive and ruled us all with an iron rod. On one occassion,when I had told him I really couldn't take any more,(He informed me he hated being a father and that he was going abroad for 3 months and when he got back,he wanted both the kids gone and for it to be just us!!! He insisted he didn't want them at all.Didn't care what I did with them,just I had to get rid of them.The kids were 13 and 17 at the time!!)anyway....I refused and said maybe it was better for him to just go away and for me to continue bringing up the kids alone.He threw a major fit and smashed some stuff in the kitchen and went upstairs to sulk. It was all pretty usual stuff that went on with him all the time. On this occassion,he took a massive overdose and to cut a long story short...we all ended up in A&E.
During the recovery period,my daughter wanted make her voice heard to her Father,and she was prevented from doing so in case it upset him again. In retrospect, it proved very detrimental to my daughter. She buried her anger for years and,by the time it did all come out she had become anorexic.....(her father spent years telling her she was fat and useless,starving herself became her method of controlling the only thing she felt she had control over.) She also felt extreme guilt that she wasn't sobbing at the hospital because she was afraid he might not survive....she felt guilt that she actually was praying he would die!! It's taken many years of counselling for her to finally come to terms with everything and become the lovely and beautiful young woman she now is.She was 13 at the time,and has only turned the corner in the last year. She is now 27.
Maybe it's possible for you to speak to your wife's doctor/psychiatrist about this?My daughter says that,for her, it wasn't that she felt that I didn't understand how she felt....it was that she needed her Father to understand what he was doing to her.She felt that everyone was protecting HIM and that her voice didn't really count. Needless to say,I have spent a lot of time beating myself up about that too!!!! I,like you (((bob))) spent many,many years trying to keep my family together and dodging the brickbats,whist trying desperately to protect my kids from the inevitable fallout.
My daughter eventually(she was 21) told her Father exactly what she wanted to say all those years before. He didn't even want to discuss it with her and they ended up arguing. She chooses not to have any contact with him now.But she is happy that,even if he failed to acknowledge her or take responsibility for his actions,that she has at least said her piece directly to HIM and can move forward.
I dunno Bob. Your wife,like my ex husband,is an adult.
Hang in there buddy.A ton of prayers still heading your way.
Just to let you know I am thinking of you. I dont always understand all of your posts - dys is a bit of a mystery, but, I know it involves intervention, and is not a good experience!
I think you are doing great - your stress levels must be off the richter scale, take some time off, just for you.
Dont agree with any cover ups. If your daughter wrote a note, it is her right to let her mother see that note. I am not judging you - I hid so many things, in fact, I became an interpreter - my children would admit things, then I would "gloss over", and let their father know. I regret it, Bobump, so, do what you think is right, for your own circumstances, just sharing my own experience.
Dear Bobump: I am happy for you a moment at time going through this. I am also glad that you have the al-anon screw. I hope it is symbollic for you that you are not alone in this. I am so so glad that people are being thre for you and that you do not feel alone with this. I know my A was ill last year and I felt incredibly burdened and alone and isolated.
I hope your wife will agree to go to some kind of substance abuse counselling. I really do. I know I resisted going back to counselling but I have been going now for a few weeks and it makes a tremendous difference in my life.
I tend to get in a pattern with my boyfriend of react/over react. That is the dance we do together and it escalates to voices raised and anger. Lately I have been trying to be more matter of fact with him about what I want and that goes over better. I do try to limit the high voltage discussions and that helps too. All that reactivity is very very draining. When I feel I need to choke him thats a cue that I've gone over the meter on the angermeter.
My sponsor suggests I be aware of my emotions all the time because I tend to check out and numb out. I know that will be a challenge but I think that it will help me in the detaching.
I have also found counselling very very helpful. I can be in the pick myself up by the bootstraps stuff but I know when I go to talk to someone and its exclusively me for an hour I can get a lot out and see things from another perspective. For me the more resources I have the better.
Sometimes I feel like I have to check my expectations at the door because I would certainly like to make my sponsor into the mother I never had and the guru I crave. But I know just having one person who is interested in me who knows the program and loves it is so so helpful. I have to watch my expectations like a hawk and be prepared to work on a relationship but I am glad that I was willing to ask. I hope you find a sponsor and get some more from a program that has clearly saved you and preserved your sanity through this difficult time.
