The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A is under the impression that if he’s on a motivational kick he needs to be drunk.Trouble is that everyone around just sees it as him being drunk. I could tell he was pretty lost on the phone before he came home last night;it was verified when he go home,even with the sad ‘cover-up’that they do with trying to appear sober. Since it’s bothering me even more, without me wanting it to go this way, my eyes just started tearing up .I could NOT stop crying for the life of me. I went to the bathroom,had my cry and emerged some time later. He asked me if something was bothering me.We’ve been through this before. I’ve never been too shy to tell him his drinking has an effect.It’s just that now…I don’t know. I’m afraid my words will be lost.I’m afraid he will just see me as nagging. I know I’d rather tell him my feelings when he’s sober. I just need to know if even THAT is a good idea. I’m new to the idea of al-anon family group therapy.Should I not discuss my feelings and concerns with him or should I take every opportunity I can and go ahead? He blew out half the electricity in the apartment last night on a motivational kick and when I woke up (he had to go to court) I saw my crippled baby standing there with that high look and I wanted to cry again. He called later in the afternoon and asked again what was wrong.I got as far as saying this wasn’t the time to discuss anything.I don’t want him to ask me again.I’m not moping neither am I pouting.The disappointment and exhaustion has taken a physical toll and I’m no good at putting on a false front. It would help me to know just a simple solution-do I discuss my concerns with him or just let it go?
Can't tell you the answer to that, but can give you some questions to ask yourself that may clarify things.
Would you be tellling him in order to get some response from him? Would you be disappointed if the response you got was not the one you wanted? Are you trying to make him feel guilty, change his behaviour?
or
Are you trying to clarify your feeling to yourself, and need to express them out loud in order to do so? Do you feel that he may misunderstand what your true feelings are, and feel the need to make sure he is clear on your point of view? Is there a boundary that you feel the need to set, and this is how you are informing him of it?
Depending on your answers to these questions, and others like them, that you can come up with yourself, you can see whether you want to talk to him for YOURSELF, or in order to manipulate and change HIM. If you are trying to change him, don't waste your breath, come here and vent to us instead. Keep the focus on you, and you will do the right thing.
what I have learned in al anon is that I'm not going to get advice, but rather much needed guidance in the form of shared experience, strength, and hope to help me decide for myself what is in my best interest. I learn from those who have been there by listening to their stories. Keep reading other posts. I have no doubt that you will find something you can relate to.
With my husband (the addict) during his active use there was absolutely nothing I could say to make him see his destructive ways. At the time, I thought I could knock some sense into him, but I am now fully aware that I had no power over him and all of my words just fell on deaf ears. I only caused myself more distress with each attempt to talk some sense into him or tell him how I felt. The absolute best you can do right now is to keep the focus on you. You can always vent here as lin said. This is a safe place to get it out. Talk out your thoughts here first then decide what, if anything, you may need to say to your husband.
Would you be tellling him in order to get some response from him? Would you be disappointed if the response you got was not the one you wanted? Are you trying to make him feel guilty, change his behaviour? or
_________rosie___lin i couldn't have said this better........omg, when i think of the times i tried to manipulate/ change my EX to stop drinking and love ME like he loved his drinking/ friends etc.......now???? when i express something i FIRST ask myself and my i/c....what r r motives in this????? is it for ME about ME, "let it begin with ME" etc....or is it to manipulate/ change someone...... i was soo bad at trying to change HIM i never even looked at me............thanks for reminder of how bad i was and how far i have progressed!!!!!!!
Are you trying to clarify your feeling to yourself, and need to express them out loud in order to do so? Do you feel that he may misunderstand what your true feelings are, and feel the need to make sure he is clear on your point of view? Is there a boundary that you feel the need to set, and this is how you are informing him of it?
Should u discuss it with him or not? assuming u have done this many times before. and it chnged nothing. You can tell him how u feel and then let it go expect nothing . Until he says that what he is doing is causing him a problem IT ISN"T it is causing you a problem and Al-Anon will help you. I hope u are going to meetings for yourself. this program will change your life for the better.
There is nothing you can do about him , begging , crying, threatening , ultimatums just don't work , nothing u do will make him quit. This is not your problem to solve it's his . leave it with him where it belongs. Keep the focus on your needs and get your life back on track. hopefully he will follow. Louise
What a mountain of good info in your reply Lin. Now to memorize the principles and keep them as a starting point in many situations. maybe I need a flash card with those questions on them. I'm not sure if it is all the stress but I can not seem to remember things well. It is so frustrating at times.
What a great gauge/tool to evaluate my/our , part /motives clarify them and make better choices in my/our, reactions .
My opinion is that there is not much difference between guidance and advice. We can call it what we will, but opinions of others are often helpful in our decision making processes. So I will give you guidance, which is allowed, instead of advice which is not...
Your A is within hinself, and not likely to be receptive to any kind of talking you want to do. So you can slam your head against a wall trying, or can let go, put your energy and strength into taking care of yourself and baby, and turn him over to his HP.
I hope that the situation takes a positive turn soon, and I will pray for that outcome.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Your right Diva. Not much difference. I think guidance just sounds a little less direct. I keep hearing how we "can't tell you what to do or give advice" so I get a little confused when I start sharing. Am I saying too much, being too opinionated, being too directive, yadda, yadda. I'm new at this and I think it shows!!!
