The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I’ve had my own personal issues with alcohol to deal with. I’ve had an a mother and every mate has been an a. I finally met a man who seemed to treat me the best out of anyone I had ever met. Unfortunately he is an a as well.
What has prevented me from seeking any kind of support is the fact that I have felt extremely stupid. How could I, being so familiar with the world of alcoholism, have let myself settle into yet another highly painful situation? What has also stopped me is the fact that he keeps an important job(one would think I had more to complain about if he couldn't work) and never abuses me physically or verbally.
What finally brought me here is the fact that crying has crept back into my life on a too steady basis. I cry when I hear his speech slur progressively during the day, when he seems to not understand me when we speak,when he reports that he can’t remember most things that transpire on several occasions.He starts drinking in the early morning,drinks on his job ..it never stops. I fear a driving accident. I fear him losing his professional license;he’s already under investigation.I fear possible infidelity due to distorted thinking. I’m tired of trying to anticipate his demeanor and trying to plan around something I can’t see. Physically he seems to be going downhill and it downright tears my heart so sincerely apart. The man I truly love is being destroyed at a heartbreaking rate.People can see him stumble,smell the beer on him,hear him slur...and at times he's difficult to individuals. I would never abandon him but I feel such shame mixed with protectiveness..it doesn't make any sense.
I thought I was strong enough to figure this out on my own but I’m not. He understands he has a problem but there will be nothing he feels he can be willing to do. We are expecting a baby in six months. I suspect this very fact brings me more sadness than should be considering the fact that this baby is wanted so dearly. I have a teenage son from a former union and it’s been difficult to try to police my a’s actions so that my son is not in the car when there’s been drinking,so that my a behaves in acceptable ways,etc. I’m afraid it will seem to my mate that I’m nagging at him when the baby arrives.
Thank you so much for reading this. I’m afraid of this life getting so much worse and I’m drowning in this fear. For the first time in a year and a half I’m terrified that I made another mistake;but I just don’t know.
Hello, Ramzdear, You are most definitely in the right place. Please call and find out where to find a face to face meeting. This program is remarkable, if you work the steps, go to meetings, get a sponsor, and start taking care of yourself. You and your children deserve it! Thank you for being here. We are grateful that you have found us. What a brave thing it is to put your story out there. If you keep coming back , you will hear someone else tell your story some day. Blessings, mebjk
those are hugs. I've been where you are. It wasn't that long ago. I remember the pain, the fear, the "I just don't know what to do" feelings. My story is different now and it is because of the 12 step programs. My husband has his and I have mine.
When I first came I heard about the 3-C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I had a bit of a struggle with "can't control it". It sounded to me like I didn't have any control over what happens in my life. It just means I couldn't control my husband's using. He was going to do it no matter what I did to try and stop him. Your husband will need to come to his own realization about his drinking. You begin to take care of yourself. Attend face to face meetings. Go to many. Talk to people in the program, they understand. Keep coming back to this board and posting, reading. I have learned a lot here. I wish I had come way back when, but I was afraid I might jeapordize my husbands career if I let the cat out of the bag so to speak. He is a professional and I actually believed that by getting help for myself that I could cause him to get into trouble with his board. Crazy.
Take care of yourself. Working this program has helped me to see my life with more clarity and I am better able to make decision that are in my best interest. That is a long way from where I was a year ago.
OH Ramz I could feel your pain as I read your post. Then I got to where ya said you were pg and I really felt for you. My daughter is in your position also and it is pretty tough.
You have found a great place here. I found if I follow the program and stick to my own program of recovery I can do about anything.
Sadly alcoholism causes a person to get worse and worse as the days go by that they use. In my experience they never get back to the person they may have been.
I am so sorry you have to see this and be in this position. I know the policing you are talking about. That is awful scary.
face to face meetings would be wonderful for you. This spot has lots to offer too. Just having people who relate and support you will help so much. We all vent to each other and understand and don't judge.
Try to take one day at a time. Do for you. One thing that helped me was to make my life so I did not depend on A for a home, money or vehicle. I knew the disease gets worse and worse and they lose jobs, get dui's, lose licenses, and more I almost lost everything to this horrible disease.
Had to about starve and was homeless. So maybe others can learn from my experience to protect yourself. Put money away, get a vehicle that is in your name and paid for. If you can, protect your home. If he gets into an accident, you can lose everything.
I see A's drive with out license and insurance all the time. scary stuff.
Plus with you having children, I sure would set up a safety net.
It will make you feel more comfortable and also it allows a person to love an A without any expectations. For me, I just love my A and there is nothing else.
Like all the others said you came to the right place. I have been a greatful member of alanon for over 2 years now and it saved my life. I hope that you can go to a meeting and find the peace and serenity I have found in the meetings. Also, you said you have a teenage son right? Well, hopefully there is a alateen meeting close by for him too. I have 2 teens that are members of alateen and they wouldn't miss a meeting for the world. I was really scared and hurting when I finially got myself to my first meeting. But, I am thankful for that today because, things are different for me. I went to a couple of meetings until I found the right one for me. Asked someone to be my sponsor after a couple of weeks. She said no she had her limit of sponsees! Thanks to my higher power after that, I asked the one I was suppose to have. I work the steps, talk to my sponor, go to meetings and read. This has helped my more than I ever thought it would. I really can't say enough about it. My husband today continues to drink and thats ok for today. I live one day at a time. I am powerless over him and his drinking. But, I can be happy joyous and free, no matter if he drinks or not.
Please, feel free to write me anytime. It helps me just as it would help you.
I'm relieved to have recieved your caring responses.I don't feel so stupid now. I found a much needed peace in knowing I've found an additional space and support. For once tonight I don't feel compelled to wander back to the room and hint or beg at getting my A to get to sleep and stop drinking so much.I don't feel compelled to worry as to whether he's calling someone in a conversation he may not remember. For some time I've been frightened to death that he will see me not as his friend anymore and drift away;this has happened in his past relationships. he has stated I'm the 'best' woman he's run across. After tonight I've come to a quiet realization that he's 'leaving' anyway. I can only hope I can survive this;with your help I feel I can. I had left two As in relationships before in the years past...and I deserve to finally take the time to pay enough attention to what I need to break this cycle. I'm a recovering alcoholic myself and the pressure is phenomenal;though I'm grateful for the ability to understand just a bit more.
Thanks again...you all made a better night's sleep possible.see you later
Hello Ram , please get to some meetings for your sake and the baby your carrying. It will truly change your life . Your life has been affected by someone elses drinking and you too need to recover. good lUck LOuise
I do the same thing; I keep ending up with A's too. My first husband was one and we were married for eight years. I've been married to my second husband now for a year and he is also an alcoholic. When I think back almost all my boyfriends were alcoholics. I had one that held a gun to my head in a paranoid drug induced rage. Yet, I am a magnet for them. I know the pain of seeing my A getting more drunk as the day goes on. I've seen him get to the point where he can barely walk and his speech is slurred. I've seen the bloodshot eyes and the whole works. I hate "monitoring" his stages of drunkenness. I hate seeing it progress right in front of me. We have whole conversations that he can't remember. There have been many broken promises. My A doesn't abuse me or drink at work, but as soon as he would come home from work, he would physically be craving a beer. I don't understand it and I guess I never will. I don't know how a person can go through life stumbling around, slurring their speech, not remembering what they do or say and having their head fogged up. Sorry about your pain.
i promise you that you will find strength, courage, peace, happiness and HOPE in here.
we are all your friends now... we all share a common problema and /or situation.
the best thing about this site is that.. if your having a really crappy day and feel like crying .there is always someone in here to cheer you up!...and vice verse..if your havin a great day...you in turn..helo cheer someonelse up!
we're a close knit family..even though we arent face to face...
i want to tell you...when i found this site last oct... i was in bits...crying, not sleeping, anxious, depressed, lost over a stone and half in weight, couldnt go into work... just basically a physical and emotional wreck. i couldnt function. i had broken up with my "A" boyf. after a yr and half together..it was sheer bliss...we had such a laugh together..even had our own apartment. he was clean and sober for over 2 and half yrs... befor ehe met me... then his scumbag frends came back on the scene out of rehabs and prison.... he went back on everything!
i lost my baby... he was gone back to the drink and drugs.
he always swore i was his "soulmate" his princess... how i saved him etc.. the best thing that ever happened to him etc... SOUNDING FAMILIAR!!!!!
in the last few mths he has been in and out of rehab...kicked out of home and generally in trouble with the law... i stood by him for most part...as a "FRIEND" i cudnt cope wit being his girlfriend...
i had to remove myself from the chaos that is his life... i found it impossible to stop checking his phone, emails, follow him around, check up on his every move... in a nutshell..i didnt trust an inch of him.
the latest is that he has found a new girl..(god help her) and SHE has informed me that he never loved me etc....
im switching off to all that... even tho she did show me text msgs to prove it..but im blaming the drink...i refuse to believe i meant nothing to him. you cant fake love that much. or else he put on a GRADE A performance for nearly 2 yrs.
i will pray for you hun..that you find strength in your situation..and decide whats best for you!
start looking after number 1.....YOU!!!!!!!!!
take each day as it comes. keep coming back....luv rebecca xxx
