The material presented
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I am the daughter of an alcoholic father , but I never saw him take a drink. His actions were very abusive both to my mother and also to me. You see, we were a very "religious" family. I knew my parents fought often and occasionally I would hear my mom accuse him of drinking, but as I said, I never saw him drink, only the behaviour. In our religious teachings, drinking and smoking were the 2 things that would send you to hell faster than anything. The confusion with me was on one side the very religious, santimonious Father to the public ... and the abusiveness at home ...they didn't fit in a childs mind. I think I was around 37 yrs old before I finally realized my father fit the description of an alcoholic.
I married an alcoholic and stayed married to him for 19 years. after all, I had been raised to believe you stayed with it regardless of the circumstances because you took an oath before God. I was this person with no self esteem at all and mother of 4 children. My kids were my whole life ... I had no friends. I didn't even try to make any because #1 My self esteem was so low that I was afraid of people and #2 I didn't want anyone to know what things were like at home. Then after 19 years a man started "paying attention" to me, giving me compliments, saying all the "right" things. I had an affair with him and that ended my marriage. That was a terrible trauma for me to go through and especially for my kids. I had always hid the things about their father from them and never argued in front of them because I never wanted them to go through what I did as a child. I thought I was protecting them.
I later became involved with another alcoholic because he made me laugh at a time when I needed to laugh so desperately. During this time I did attend a few Al-Anon meetings and I really liked them, but I never worked the steps and eventually stopped going.
I was so full of guilt and shame for the affair and the divorce and the affect on my kids. At least God gave me enough sense not to remarry. Eventually I somehow got enough strength to end that relationship.
I am now married to a wonderful man. However, my adult children have terrible problems relating to the fact that their father became a drug dealer after our divorce and got the oldest kids involved in that. I am also raising my first grandaughter since she was a baby .. she is now 17.
My youngest son is now in prison, one daughter still involved in drinking and drugs, and one son terribly ill will schizophrenia. My heart is broken. Last October my sister committed suicide and dealing with that and my son with schizoprenia who lived with us, I reached my bottom. My mother had also died and I was in the deepest depression ever.
Of course I never shared any of this with anyone but finally I said something to a friend and she invited me to the Al-Anon meetings.
I am now working the steps and things are getting better. Situations with my kids have not changed ...in fact they are worse, but I am able to deal with them better .... at least most of the time.
OMG!!!!!!!!! I read your first line and it was like reading what I just wrote right before your post (warning!! hazardous spill.....) Even after hearing so many similar stories to my own there are always some details that I haven't heard in other's stories though I'm told our stories are not unique. Somewhere someone has been through the same thing. I always thoguht it was odd that I NEVER saw my dad drink, but yet he was destroying our family. The same religious teachings lead me to believe alcohol, smoking, and dancing (believe it or not) would only get you into trouble and it was a big moral sin. I can agree that alcohol can be trouble, but I don't believe it sends you to hell. I just wanted to say it was so good for me to read your post. I am so sorry to hear about your children. I have only a son and he is only 4. I watch some of his behavior and wonder "is that potential alcoholic behavior" and it makes me so sad. I too avoided any arguing in front of him. Even as a baby. I too experienced way too much arguing between my parents and was determined it would be different for my son. As a result I stuffed so many feelings I finally popped, but who knew it would be the turing point in my life. It felt like the end of my life at the time. Recovery for me is not easy. I complicate everything regarding me even though I am the first to tell someone else....keep it simple it's not complicated! Recover is not easy, but the alternative is so much worse. So I will keep plugging away and welcome even the smallest benefits from the program. Reading your post is a benefit. In fact I see it as the work of my HP. Keep taking care of yourself and offering your hurt up to your HP. It feels at times we are alone, but there is someone out there who cares, and relates to you and is glad you are here.
