The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Alcoholism is such a terrible disease effecting everyone who loves the alcoholic. I have been reading posts today for the first time in a few months. I fell away from the board as I felt that I too could deal with this disease alone. I found out, i cant. Just like the alcoholic we are as addicted to them as they are to alcohol.
This weekend has been a true rollercoaster..
Friday night my husband and i planned on spending the eve together. Well, my daughter needed a ride home therefore our plans were haulted. Then his father called and he went to his house ( his Dad is an alcoholic too ) next thing i know 1 1/2 hours go by and he finally strolls in. While i had went to pick up my daughter he left a note that he was going to a friends to play cards. He got home at 3:30 AM.. I was furious, and spent the night crying.. Then being ANGRY that i couldnt stop, and go to sleep. Angry at myself for still being in this position. Still putting up with the same CRAP and not having the strength to walk away. Saturday, i was gone with my daughter all day and when i came home i slept on the couch not saying a word.
Today, he is working and i called and ask which one of us should leave. He became angry and insisted that I was being unreasonable, a STICK in the mudd.. He said you cant change me so either accept me or leave. He told me that I am no fun and he wants to have FUN.. !! I told him that i dont feel as though i am unreasonable being upset that he came home at 3:30 in the am.. He insisted that i wouldnt have mattered that i would have been upset if he would have came home at 10.. You know what ?? The sad thing is I probably would have..
Now i sit here feeling BAD, not liking myself much as all.. How do they do that ?? How do they turn things around and make us feel bad ?? Now i feel like I should apologize.. I feel that I am being unreasonable. maybe i am a stick in the mud ? I dont smile much anymore, and i really dont like myself much either..
How can i expect someone to love me when i dont even like myself ?
This is something that came up in our f2f meeting last week - many of us were struggling with the same thing. We stand up for ourselves, and then immediately feel guilty for doing it.
I have decided that I will try to treat that guilt as a feeling not as a fact. That is, I will allow myself to feel it, but I won't let it stop me from doing what I know is best for me. I will 'act as if' I am an emotionally healthy person with reasonable self esteem, and take care of my needs.
In some ways, your husband is right in what he says - either accept him for what he is, or leave. The problem is, it is not that simple! All our doubts and fears get in the way. And, if you just said "Well, can't accept it so I'm outta here, bye", he wouldn't think much of that, either.
Tammy - I am in the same boat you are. Feeling guilty because I don't want to indulge in thier A'ism.
I acturally got to a point where I said to myself, I would have to get drunk every day with her to make her happy. I had tried everything else! That is when I flipped. Started coming here and got some literature.
You love him and you care for him. His opinion means a lot to you. But I have to keep reminding myself... It is not her opinion that I am no fun any more. That is the disease creating an excuse to let her relax and continue drinking.
I miss not having fun with my wife anymore. ALOT. But when she says stuff like that I have to remember she is sick. (Didn't know that a month ago and it was killing me inside.)
Take care of you, the rest is not your deal.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It is so hard some days and it is aggrivating how things seem to get turned around to be all our fault.
Hang in there.... use all the tools you've learned in Alanon. You are a strong person and I know you will make the choices that are best for you and your children.
