The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
finally went to an al-anon meeting last monday, which i'm very glad about as everyone is so lovely, but its midnight here (UK) and I can't ring anyone for a cry, and just want to get some feelings out.
he is passed out on the floor upstairs, having fallen off of the bed dead drunk and not moved - he's breathing, he blocked the door shut with my son (who is nearly 3) in the bed, i've had to push to door open from the other side by sitting on the floor and bracing myself on the opposite wall, to shift his weight on the floor so that I could check everyone was okay. and I've wedged the door open with a box so that he doesn't block it off again.
I just cannot believe I have let my life become this insane. I am lucky, he is my husband - I can leave, but my son? he has a drunk for a dad.
I don't know how to do any of this, I know that I can't change him (cos, god knows, I've tried everything I can think of) but I don't understand how to do the rest, distancing with love? I just don't get it. when I read the stuff about how I should change, and feel , and focus and act etc. it feels like the responses of a robot, like a stepford wife (apologies - not trying to offend - obviously it works for people, but I just don't get how..) I am so angry, and so despairing, my emotions are just exploding out of control, i just don't know what to do
to be honest right now - and I know this is terrible beyond words, I just wish he'd die. I hate what I have become, like a nagging fish-wife, there is no fun left in me, I am scared and vengeful and just drowning in a sea of bitterness, and I am so guilty that I have given a child an alcoholic father. I have no compasion for him - i just can't do it, I just hate him, and he hates me.
I so remember feeling those same feelings. Even resenting that I had to change..why? He was the drunk, not me! But living with alcoholism does make us crazy insane in our own way. The detachment thing was hard for me to get also. The best way I can describe it is to let them hit the pits of hell all by themselves while you make the best possible life for you and your child. Alanon does not advocate staying nor leaving a relationship. We suggest that you do what is best and healthiest for you.
One of the explainations of detachment with love I recall is... A man passes out on the front lawn and it is a chilly cold night. The wife leaves him there, detaching from what he has done and letting him wake up to his own consequences. The love part is that the wife threw a blanket over him.
Through Alanon you can find yourself again. You can learn to have a life that you enjoy. Maybe not the one that you had imagined with your A, but a good life. Keep coming back ok? By the way, our chatroom is open 24/7 for those sleepless nights. Come on in, we'd love to meet you :)
Christy (Cjo)
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I read your post and am sitting speachless. Let me begin by welcoming you to the board. I have been here since July and posting has been so good for me. Today, i was feeling down feeling helpless and confused as we sometimes do being married to an active alcoholic then I read your post and for some strange reason it helps knowing that there are people like me all over the world. It validates the fact that alcoholism is BIGGER than any of us. It effects people all over the world.
I too have spent many of nights crying because of the stupid things my husband does while drunk. The hurtful things he says to me, the names he calls me... It is HORRIBLE, living with someone who is controlled by alcohol..
It is okay to be angry we have all felt that before. Another thing I learned in alanon is that your feelings are just that they are your feelings.. We shouldnt let anyone tell us how to feel..
I have the same feelings about my children.. My children are older and they understand now but for years they didnt know that he was a alcoholic. They thought it was them. He would yell and scream and they just couldnt understand. A few years ago i explained alcoholism to them. They understand all of the facts and understand that we are powerless over alcohol.
My only suggestion is protect your son. Try not to be so hard on yourself, and keep posting there are some really GREAT people here who have all had the same feelings that you have now.
This is not an easy program, and it doesn't give easy answers. Gvie it a little time, read everything you can get your hands on. Eventually, it will start to make sense in a way tha you can live with.
What it comes down to is - stop beating your head against a brick wall. He has a disease that makes him crazy. If you don't learn how avoid it, it will make you crazy too. That is reality. We need to either change our attitude or change our address (sometimes both!) Not what SHOULD be, but what IS. You can stop riding the rollercoaster, once you stop hanging onto the edges of his life, and start living your own.
Hi Welcome to the MIP family. You are no longer alone. Here people understand where u come.
Here some informstion.
World Service Organization Website - WWW.al-anon.alateen.org/ Phone number is 1-888-425-2666
Here are meeting times please come.
Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.
__________________
Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
My dear, we all go through these feelings of helplessness, and yes, even wishing the A was gone because then the problem would cease. You say you cannot leave; I am not suggesting you do, but that alternative is sometimes a viable one. Whatever you do, you must take care of yourself so that you can be the very best mum for your son. No child deserves an alcoholic parent, and you don't deserve to spend your life in a miserable state. Al Anon attempts to teach us that a happy life is possible whether or not our A is drinking, and that serenity is ours for the taking. I, myself am waiting for all of that...tap, tap, tap.
I remember a couple of years ago, telling my dear friend who is a recovering A with 15 years sober, "He is passed out on the front lawn. What do I do?" Her answer was, "Can you step over him?" That day my attitude changed. I just keep on stepping.
Come back often, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
re leaving - I don't think I can't, in fact right now, I can't see any way that is NOT going to happen - but I'm not ready yet, I need to be a lot stronger and more sorted out, otherwise I will yoyo back and fore, be very depressed and sick, and my son deserves at least one functioning adult in his life [not saying i'm great now - but I think I'd be a huge mess if I left now, whilst not entirely sure]. I resisted Al-anon for months after reading about it as it seemed like the first step in walking away from him - still feels that way - but hopefully, if that's the case, its a way of me making that decision positively whilst being sane.
Diva wrote:
"Can you step over him?"
that made me laugh out loud - thank you.
Tammy, what you say is very familiar to me -
Tammy wrote:
It is okay to be angry we have all felt that before. Another thing I learned in alanon is that your feelings are just that they are your feelings.. We shouldnt let anyone tell us how to feel.
thank you especially for this - I have a big problem with owning my real feelings instead of trying to feel the "right" thing. But I'm also guilty of doing this to people around me - telling them that what they are feeling is wrong - guess I'll have to try and stop doing that. I'm glad someone was able to get some sort of comfort from my post - I hope today is a better day for you.
to everyone else, thanks again, and hope that today is a good day,
