The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
it is so hard to have this many years in program and still recognize the reality of step 1 for me .. know I will always be on it no matter what step i'm on because the powerless to me is many things but lacking clarity (wisdom) is a huge piece of why i am powerless .. shoulding on myself this morning .. should be so much further .. should be through all this by now . should be out living my life fully .. should have the answers by now .. should not need to share on what I am this morning .. shouldn't be shoulding on myself .. sheeshz a lot today .. as I reflect on my life, it is still unmanageable .. after all these years I still do not know what I want to be when I grow up .. should be in the Same place as everyone else .. but know i shouldn't even be comparing myself to others literally (cant help it today (can't change it control it cure it) all i can do is keep turning to hp.. I am trying very hard to stay in today and not what if or magnify my personal situations but they are difficult .. back to thinking more difficult than others' ... somewhere in there is some unhealed shame .. Shame being what's wrong with Me (as a person as in who I am) .. shame also being an 'excuse' to ''hate'' ourselves for something we should or shouldn't have done .. others too ..
when I see the years I spent blaming certain others and justifying all the reasons I have to blame them I wonder if i have been making excuses (again) to be hateful .. I hate admitting out loud that not everyone else was responsible for my emotional or well being .. I am .. I hate that there is so much that has been stolen or distorted through this disease ..
I have fear this morning because the Reality is .. no one is responsible for me nor are they able to respond For me .. but I can't seem to hear what my higher power wants for me .. truthfully I have a great conscious contact connection but in the areas I need reasoning and answers in ? I just don't hear a thing .. they may be areas I think I need clarity in (hp may disagree) but my concerns aren't unrealistic .. they are valid fears for real situations and there is real confusion .. my hp knows this too .. they are not insane requests .. it is hard to trust .. so I came back to here to post .. who knows maybe there is something for me to learn here still ..
I learned the learning never ends, the recovery never becomes the recovered. I can relate to how you feel and the shoulding, im still trying to be better at this too. I am a perfectionist, so self sabottage and poor self talk, unattainable expectations, setting myself up to fail, procrastinating for fear of being less than perfect. These seem to be my shortcomings that i was trying to work on perfectly but im trying to let it go and accept myself as fully as i can, all these shortcomings dont mean im unworthy of acceptance and love from myself. Interesting share that i will give more thought to, thanks.x
HP put soooooo many other brothers and sisters in my path to interfere with my thoughts and feelings so that they would interfere with my own dysfunctional thoughts and feelings. I struggled so hard until I go way to tired to carry on in my own behaviors and then let go absolutely. I could not go on another foot and so accepted as a practice "If you keep and open mind...you will find help". I shut my inner voices off and listened without defense to what others were speaking of and to and started to consider that may be "they" had the solutions I needed rather than myself. It worked!! and I stopped practicing the stuff that didn't work for me and practiced the stuff that was working for them....obviously we were looking for the same outcome and my practice was not good. Blame and shame are not recovery tools, might as well let go of them. ((((hugs)))).
lot of good wisdom in both of these thank you .. feeling so many emotional hits today (family hits) .. (drug store hits really) .. seeing how every time I go to them I feel a hit (even after all this time) .. (punch in the gut (confused infected) .. I know better than to turn in the direction I did as a source of comfort .. turned to the source of pain expecting comfort Again after a long time of not .. did that over and over again for years .. never go there much anymore but this week ? guess I needed a reminder .. they ? aren't the others who carry my solution .. need meetings for sure .. there is one tonight I will be there ..
thanks for the reminder blame and shame aren't recovery tools; neither is fear judgment criticism or anger, etc .. blaming my family for my pain isn't a solution either .. I turned to them when I know ''better'' today .. thanks again ((( )))
)))