The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been working so hard on focusing on me that I think I may have actually been being more than lovingly detached. I think I've been a bit nasty, just waiting for the next shoe to drop so I could prove to myself what an asshat my qualifier really is. And the fact is, yes, yes he's been making mistakes here and there but honestly he IS improving every day and making steps forward. And honestly, by waiting for him to mess up I AM ACTUALLY STILL FOCUSING ON HIM! I've been more than detached. I've been cold and distant and unsupportive. I can see that this is going to be a fine line and I'm sure I don't want to step back into enabling but I do need to find that balance. When he first started going to meetings I would listen to his thoughts and give him kudos on his accomplishments. Now it seems I've just been waiting and watching for him to make a mistake.
I will focus on this today. I will make a special trip to a mid-day meeting and share my thoughts. I will meditate on this later and do some research online. And I will keep checking in here for my own support and to support others.
This is a brand new thought so bear with me as I come to grips with it. Thank you everyone for this board and for the posts, I learn something new every single day!
Good work, your dojng great. Its not an easy tool to use at first and i think its great you have got humility to look at your shortcomings and the willingness to change and work on it. I dont think you cohld do any better to show an example of how the program works. Give yourself a pat on the back.
Thanks for these insightful thoughts! I think you have expressed exactly how I have been feeling in my own use of this tool. The balance of detachment without being cold and without enabling is a challenging one, for sure!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Greenergal you are doing great! Let him deal with his own stuff
With his own sponsor not you. Detaching with love is tough when
It is our intimate partner.
It is much easier when there is no contact. You both can Learn
new and healthy skills to use when you are both healthier And
more centered. Trying to change interactions mid way is Very
Hard on both of you.
Keep the focus on you and your recovery. Let his chips fall where
They must. You can not change or help him only you. I did all
I could for my dry ah at the end while he was attending AA he
told me "he did not care what I thought and you also thought
you had all the answers for me well you don't" I never offered
Another opinion on his recovery after that. Let other AA members
Help him.
When I first got sober, I thought I deserved constant kudos and praise for every little thing. Someone else in an AA meeting burst my bubble when they shared "you don't get a medal for doing things that an ordinary grown up does all the time." I was like "WHAT!?" I don't know if this is what your A is doing but - remember - it is a balancing act and they don't need a cheerleading squad to stay sober. There should be enough internal rewards.
