The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi there. I was directed here by another site, but I'm not sure if it's okay for me to share this due to the fact that I'm an alcoholic myself, and I know that you all are facing pain due to an alcoholic in your own life, but I'll share anyway. I guess just remove the post if you find it inappropriate.
I'm married to a man for about four years now. When we met, he treated me like gold. A couple of years ago, that all changed. He's become an alcoholic as well during this time, and he's begun to display his true colors. He hits me sometimes and emotionally abuses me to a point that I can barely tolerate. I have practically no self esteem left. He is a master manipulator and I can't get help from anyone, not even the police. I've tried to call them on him several times, but they actually side with him every single time. I'm disabled due to agoraphobia, and barely make any money, so he knows he has me on lockdown pretty much. His parents are both former police, and they direct him in his abuse perfectly. They literally believe that what he does to me is okay. They have told him on the phone (on speaker) multiple times to use my disability to have me falsely committed to the hospital, and while the police go for it, the hospital knows better and discharges me almost immediately. I know that if I stay here, he's going to try to kill me at some point. He has threatened me on multiple occasions with various punishments, he has done his very best to isolate me from friends and family to the point that I have nowhere to go and no one to turn to. He's told me that he's never going to stop until I kill myself. I'm terrified to stay here, but when I try to leave my house to attend a meeting or even just leave him, I have panic attacks that are so bad I lose consciousness. I'm just straight up scared at this point. Like right now he's okay, he's in our den watching TV and thinks I'm just resting in the office. I've had to turn on the fan to block the sound of my typing bc he won't allow me to talk to anyone about this. But he's crazy. I've been reading up on Jekyll and Hyde syndrome, bc that is what he reminds me of, and he fits it perfectly and he meets every single criteria for emotional abuse. I know I'm in no way perfect, and I'd like to stop drinking desperately, but he's never going to let that happen bc that is a threat to him and he knows it. I don't know what to do.
I guess I'm just here to speak to others experiencing something similar. It's not always so easy to get out of these situations, but I know I have to for my own well-being. I am happy to have found this place, and perhaps I can find the strength and direction that I need to escape.
{{{Llo}}}. I'm glad you have found us. It sounds as though despite all the craziness going on around you, you have a good clear idea of reality. That is incredibly valuable and a strength that many people take years to find.
Anyone who is affected by someone who has alcoholism or addiction can find help and is welcome in Al-Anon - there is a seat waiting for you here.
Of course your situation is very worrying and dangerous. It's all too frequent that the authorities are bamboozled by a clever and manipulative alcoholic.
In Al-Anon the policy is not to give advice (since everyone's situation is different) - except when there is a threat of violence, which is your case. So I hope my advice will be helpful. I'd search out your local domestic violence shelter and get an action plan ready to go. You don't have to use it on any schedule (though I very much hope you will use it before you suffer violence). But it is there for when you need it. It could save your life.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-723, http://www.thehotline.org/. They have a good page on safety planning:
http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/.
I imagine they can also give you the name of a shelter local to you.
The short version of all this is that you can turn things around, get help, and keep yourself safe. I know that with the agoraphobia, it seems extra difficult. I suspect that all of these things are intertwined and that with some help and away from the stresses of being with your A, your agoraphobia will be very treatable. Many, many of us on these boards have been in similar places. We have all thought, "This situation is so huge and so impossible, I just can't see how I could fight my way out of it." Step by step we have emerged from the shadows and begun to see how we can live happy and healthy lives. Those same things are in store for you too. I know it probably doesn't feel like it. Al-Anon has a saying about FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real. Not to say that the path isn't challenging. But that that feeling that it's impossible is part of depression and stuck-ness, and it will clear up.
I hope that as soon as the coast is clear you'll make contact with a shelter and start to get resources.
There are online meetings at this site too. Remember to hide your browser history!
Thank you so much. I felt like AA might be my best option to find people who would understand this, bc I attended meetings for quite some time before my agoraphobia became overwhelming and they are the least judgmental ppl I've ever seen. I would consider Al Anon to be about the same. I'm on the verge of tears bc I haven't felt this much compassion in years. You all have really come through. Both on here and the other site I referenced. Thank you so much, and I'll certainly look into the resources you have provided. :)
im a recovering agoraphobic/panic and an wife to a alcoholic. I understand so much of what u said and relate totally. In order for the agoraaphobia to be lessened, u have to do desenization and possibly some meds. But being forced to be inside of course is not helpful. try to conect with your local mental health county services to get some help too. I have relapse all the time but I also have been able to travel when it has lessened. we are here for u
Thank you so much. I know that the alcohol only intensifies my anxiety. I know it absolutely needs to go and that's what I'm working on atm. I've contacted several local agencies for help, but the only thing the shelters tell me is that I'm just going to have to do it on my own (finding an apt, and getting out on my own) bc abused women often don't know how to cope or do things for themselves, so they encourage them to learn these skills. I know that's a relevant point, but when you have something like agoraphobia (which most ppl don't believe is real), that is almost an impossibility and you normally get demonized. At least, you would in my area of the country. I don't like taking like benzos for it, bc they have proven to be dangerous for me in the past. I'm just glad to be here. I've been looking for help for quite some time, even on domestic abuse forums, but they don't seem to want to respond or help. I probably sounds nuts. He's always telling me I am, and I don't even know what to believe at this point. IS it just me? AM I crazy? I'm so isolated and alone with him all the time that his opinion seems to reign supreme. Perhaps if I got away from him, I'd be able to gain some perspective, but right now it's hard. I'm going to have to just get back to basics and start with point zero in order to fix myself. I can't worry about him anymore, I can't worry about anything but getting clean. That is a stark reality for me today.
And thank every one of you for being here. I totally need a place like this where I can confide.
-- Edited by Llo on Sunday 29th of March 2015 06:22:13 PM
-- Edited by Llo on Sunday 29th of March 2015 06:22:48 PM
-- Edited by Llo on Sunday 29th of March 2015 06:34:00 PM
AA meetings sound like a good place to start your
Recovery. I hope you can get out to go to one, is
There anyone that can take you? Old buddies
From your home group.
Also If you were still drinking you would be limited
Where you could go to be placed. That just adds
Extra layer of problems. I know if i was an active A
My mother would not take me in.
That sounds awful being so traumatized you can
Not go out. Until you get out of that enviroment
it will be tough to heal.
Keep reaching out i hope you Can will yourself to
your AA mtgs it will help you On your journey to
emotional and spiritual health. You have your own
HP to give you strength.
One day at a time. Easy does it. Progress not perfection. It sounds like your in the aftermath of an explosion. This can be overwhelming. I hear several issues in your post and they are all fairly big on their own, right now it must be hard to know where to begin. I can empathise. You are an alcoholic, fantastic awareness! Your partner is am alcoholic, also fantastic honesty on your part. Anxiety disorder, that must be through the roof. First things first: Breathe. When were anxious,we tend to breathe shallow. Deep breathing. Make it part of your awareness. I do understand what it is to be in a cage. Nothings going anywhere anytime soon, so its okay to relax and regroup, and to plan. Physically, you have you. So, working with you is a first thing first. Eating, breathing, sleeping, affirming. My affirmation when I was trapped in a psychologically abusive situation was : I deserve the best and I will get the best because I am worthy. You can come up with some too. Stay safe, remember your higher power, keep coming back. Time takes time.
