The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night because of shares in here and work I have been doing in counselling I cried away most of the night. The A of course has his normal cryptic comments when ever he sees me sad. He will say stuff like oh are you talking to people about suicide? I have worked hard not to be reactive to him but I think he makes a huge point of not being sympathetic or compassionate. He does not see me cry I have given up on that but he is so keen to jump on me when I am feeling down. Everything is always about him.
Anyway in the middle of my crying which was about my family or origin, my current struggles, my sense of being abandoned and my sense of loss in general, I got a thought I have never had before "I deserve to be happy". I do deserve to have a life that is not soaked in dramarama, uncertainity, venom (I do believe the a is absolutely venomous at times he blames me for everything regardless of its origin).
I think growing up in my family of origin with abuse heaped on me, constant chaos and constant upheaval I never got to have a routine, love, compassion, companionship or a sense of belonging. Coming here a few brief weeks I do feel like I belong and I guess buiding on that I do get the sense that I deserve to be happy.
Remember that saying about going to the hardware store for groceries. Don't ya just know it? The hardware store doesn't have food, they only sell hardware.
Seek solace and comfort from those who care.
((((hugs)))))
Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
