The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really could have used a f2f tonight. My boys had ball games so I was unable to make one on time. I started reading paths to recovery a few nights ago, so I'm trying to understand the steps! I can't believe it's taken me 18 years to believe alcoholism is a disease! Still haven't quit accepted it yet. Getting there. This past week I have been replaying my marraige. So so so many bad times! All the BS I went through with my AH. I can count on my fingers and toes how many sober days he had at home( when he wasn't in jail). Every other day was a buzz or drunk. Sloppy , mean, angry, sometimes violent drunk. I stayed because that's what I thought a good wife did. Stuck by her man's side. When ever I did leave he would tell me everything I wanted to hear and never follow through. He would even tell me how I gave up and failed our marraige. I always believed him. Til this day a part of me still does. We have been living apart for a while now because he went back to jail again last year and we lost everything. So now me and my 2 sons live with my parents. At my age living with my parents again????? I completely lost myself. I don't know how to have a life without chaos and anger, tears or resentment!! Meetings have helped a little. I'm realizing I have a lot of work to do on myself. I just hate that the man I thought/wanted to have a good long life with denies he has a problem and doesn't realize the pain that he causes his family is what ultimately ripped us apart. I understand I can't change or force him to see it my way. Lord knows I've tried. So walking away so I can worry about me is all I have left..
Well, the good news is your awareness and acceptance are growing. You sound better even just in the short time posting here. While I hear sadness in your post, I also hear surrender, letting go, humility, and moving on. I know it hurts but you have large chunks of those first 3 steps in motion already from what I'm reading. Keep up the work!
Do you have the three daily readers? I like to read them aloud.
Go to as many Face to face mtgs as you can. It will help you and
yes the longer You are out of the abuse/trauma the more
healing you will do with your Recovery work.
You will be able to process truths with honesty.Its not easy to
face and deal with all the repressed and stuffed Feelings and
emotions. Be kind and gentle with yourself.
I have been at this recovery,grieving and trauma since july after
my dry ah left Me. The flood gates opened. The doormat Came
alive and is fighting mad at how my life turned out. Now i look at
The why did i allow that? Why didnt i do that? Too late now type
Of thing. Weak boundaries for too many years. The marriage was
In real bad shape when i showed up at alanon three years ago.
Self forgiveness is very important here. Its actually not that hard
To do when you practice it. Keep working on yourself To get strong
and centered. It all takes time to get emotionally and Spiritually healthy.
Let your HP's love give you strength to really dig into your recovery.
Thank you all. It is hard to finally open up and actually be honest about how things really were. The repressed memories are the worst! Now that I know and can reach out to others that have been or are still in similar situations is making it easier for me to see things for what they are and what I want for me! I will definitely be getting three daily readers. I have also been making notes to self of behaviors I recognize that I can change. There were times where I over reacted or took them to a level it didn't need to go. Doesn't excuse or justify the behavior of my ah! But it helps me see my faults as well, which is hard cause I'm the type of person who does not like to be wrong. I will keep coming back here and to meetings!! It is saving my life....
I liked to be right too. I have plenty of character defects
The alanon wisdom slowly seeps into your brain and you
Begin to change. It takes time and effort and willingness
To be open and Honest. Listen, learn and absorb the wisdom.
Be as gentle as you can with yourself.
When i understood Self care, self love and self acceptance
is when i found my HP. My light bulb went on.
For me self will was the toughest. Handing my will over to
God. When you finally do it it is so freeing no more trying
To force solutions. I just wake up and go about my day.
It is about trusting God to take care of you.
My growth is on its own time frame. I tried to force myself
To get my ah out of me. It was literally making me much
worse Because i was not ready.The marital bond is still too
strong In me, It will die slowly. In Gods time not mine.
