Revelation--Step One is NOT as easy as it sounds.. - Al-Anon Family Group

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

Revelation--Step One is NOT as easy as it sounds..

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Step one does take time and effort. In fact I remind myself of it each morning I know that in the beginning . I had to "think, know and feel "my powerlessness" deep within before I could let go and move to Step 2 and 3 .

As far as the guilt that, I might be feeling I did not address that until the 4th through 9th step, It was all I could handle as to admit that all along I knew I was making a choice that had repercussions. I had heard that small voice within before I married that said "be careful ,this is going to be a difficult road" and I responded I can handle it.

I guess the only guilt I felt was being angry at him for behaving in a manner I knew he was going to do. .I thought I could change him. My arrogance and my guilt. was thinking I was all powerful.

Bloodshotbetty · Veteran Member

The hardest part about Step 1- for me- is that I don't WANT to admit I am powerless over alcohol. I still want to believe that I can do or say the right thing to get my AH sober. I want so badly to help him and make things right for him because I hate to see him suffer. And I hate suffering.

But I know, in my heart, that the best way to help him and myself is to give up control and realize that I absolutely cannot get him sober.

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

My guilt is totally within my self. it's not about him or his behavior. I know I have no control over him or his choices. My guilt is that I KNEW I had ho control and I KNEW I was going to be making a huge mistake but I did it anyway.

My guilt is over my making a bad choice for myself.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I had that feeling, the guilt that i had chosen him as a husband and father even though there were plenty of warning signs. I wasnt powerless over choosing him, i had the choice. I didnt know what i didnt know though. I learned that he was the man for me for a number of reasons i was unaware of at the time. I didnt feel worthy of anyone or anything better, i had low self esteem. I had fears that were irrational and unhealthy. I knew he wouldnt leave me, alcoholics dont really leave us. I learned to forgive myself through being told, i did the best with what i knew at the time. That was liberating. So true. Also, having brouht my ego down into normal size i was able to see im just a flawed human being like everyone else, not special or the one who will change him or any of those lies. Reality got clearer and clearer and i did forgive myself and let go of the guilt because the guilt kept me manipulating and behaving badly so when it went i became a true person in lots of ways. Its a process and you will get there.x

CoopsMom · Veteran Member

When I first heard Step 1, instantly I said to myself "ok, yeah got it. What's the next step?" But you are so right, it's hard to actually FEEL it and truly accept it.

All through the 9 years of dating my AH and the year engaged, I also had those little voices telling me that I was making a bad choice, but I didn't really believe that I could do better, I was attached to him and I was so wrapped up in our chaos, how could I leave? Betty said it so perfectly "the only guilt I felt was being angry at him for behaving in a manner I knew he was going to do. I thought I could change him."

I rationally understand now that I am powerless over the person and the disease, but for me it's only on a rational level so far. I still find my mind wondering towards the "what ifs" and the "If onlys". I still try to manipulate situations and make all this effort to control the drinking. Its all a big waste of time and energy, I am starting to see that now.

The more I look at myself and my relationship with AH, I think that if I hadn't married my husband, I would have attached myself to another A. I have some need to save people, I always think that I know better. It's time to focus on myself and put that effort towards bettering myself, cause I need to change the way I think and how I interact with others, what I got going on right now, is unhealthy.

ntd2001 · Veteran Member

My difficulty with step 1 is that I meet so many people 'outside' of Alanon who really don't believe its implications. They really think that a person can make someone do this or that just by saying the right words or doing the right thing. If I tell them the A's in my life that they can make their own decisions they perceive it as passivity on some level, and try to convince me to believe as they do.

To me, powerlessness does not mean I am passive in my own life, it just means the only person I have any chance of changing is myself. Lots of people I've run into don't believe that, and whether or not they are affected by alcoholism I don't really know, not for me to judge. So I'm glad to have Alanon tools which help me remember the middle way, that I am only responsible for my choices and don't have to be embarrassed about what others do or don't do. Such a relief to know that. Thanks everyone for their esh on step 1.

Irish7 · Senior Member

Step 1 was very hard for me because it required me to truly believe that alcoholism is a disease. I know it was medically classified as a disease but I struggled with that in my heart and just couldn't understand why A's don't make a decision to stop and just do it. I sentenced myself to open AA meetings until I could get there in my heart. It took many weeks but I got there.

4myboys · Veteran Member

Irish I am at the same level. I still cannot fully accept it. I believe that they can make that choice. This may take a while.
Ladybugs, I understand how you feel about making the choice even though you knew it was wrong. I have done this for so long. I always felt I was letting him down and never worried about how I would feel down the road! Now I am facing all those choices and making new ones.

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