The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK, I had no idea where to turn to. I have been in a relationship for the past 9.5 years with a serious alcoholic. I have watched him medi vacked 2x, driven by ambulance, driven him, etc. etc. to detox centers only to be lied to once again -that this x it was it. I guess I am closing this book for good. He is a nice man when sober (however- I do not see this very much) He drinks 30+ beers a day; averaging between 40-50. No joke. He has caused me to be arrested (never was I in trouble with the law) but in his drunken way (which most people can not see) he was able to convince officers that I did something wrong. It was thrown out- charges dropped, but still, I had to go through the embarrassment, hire an attorney etc. Well, once again he was able to "woo, manipulate and charm his way back into my life" and once again I said ok. He has been charged with A&B now 3 times on me. When would I wake up. Not until the 3rd time. I guess instead of rehashing the whole "drama" I need to just say to the world that I have thrown in the towel with this man. It has been a toxic relationship since the very beginning. It wasn't until the final stint at detox (where once again the lies began-he would not go to the aftercare; couldn't it was too rough; please can I come home?) did I wake up. I told him that he could but 1 more drink that was it - through-done etc etc. Well, he did it again. I understand that he has a disease but I have a responsibility and a right to live in peaceful surroundings without the drama. I have two children (not with him) but I think how has he affected them? Where was I? I am SO angry at ,myself for not seeing; it is almost like I had blinders on and it was not real. I know I need to forgive myself and begin healing - I have a therapist who has been wonderful. He suggested I go to an alanon meeting, however I am scared. I am supposed to go to court on Monday b/c there is a restraining order in effect since the last incident; I am afraid. I do not want to see him, because I do not want him to woo me back or anything. I know he has to get his things from my house...but I really and frightened by this man. What lies will he come up with, what is he going to belittle me about again? Yes, I loved this man but at what price. I often think of a game of poker; he has nothing to lose and I have everything. I am taking my chips and going home. WITHOUT HIM. It is also strange because I sit here and wonder if he is ok - I guess it is the "isms" of his alcohol. I wished that he was not an alcoholic, like so many of us do. I wished that maybe this time it would be different. I have blamed myself, shamed myself and more or less lost who I was, lost MY bounderies, and became so immersed in his sickness - I don't know what happened but I am taking it all back. No more I am done- If he wants help, he can get it on his own. I have enabled him, supported him, gave him a warm house, food and love; he threw it all out for a can a beer. I know I am a good person; but I question that at times - Why didn't I see this? Why did I continue? I have been told by dr's that he is in the end stages (I have no idea on how to guage that) but he became a different person in the past 6 month when he drank. I should not be sad, I know. I should be happy and look forward to MY new beginning. Thank you for reading this, if you have any comments, suggestions or just want to say hi; I would really welcome it.
Dear Bean, welcome to Miracles in Progress. Thank you for having the courage and humility to share your inner thoughts and feelings I would like to assure you that you are not alone and many of us who have lived with the disease of alcoholism understand your thinking patterns and your actions.
As you no doubt know and have seen, Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic, fatal disease over which we are powerless and for which there is no cure. We who live with the disease also become affected by the thinking and the distorted insanity and develop negative coping tools in order to survive. We then, like the alcoholic needa program of recovery of our own.
Your therapist is absolutely correct, Al-Anon would be a tremendous help to you as you seek to regain your life, your self-esteem, your self-worth. I can understand the anxiety that surfaces about walking into the first meeting as I have felt the same, It is like the alcoholic walking into their first meeting, but once I took that step through the door. I found a world filled with wonderful constructive tools to live by and amazingly supportive peopleto show me how to use them.
It is suggested you try six different meetings before deciding if Al-Anon is for you and not make any major life changes for the first six months to a year in program. That is because it takes that long to make the decision about the meetings and to learn how to use the tools that will enrich your life.
Please keep coming back here as it works if you work it .
Bean help yourself and get to the nearest face to face alanon meeting
you can find. Go as often as you can, you can just sit and listen, learn
and absorb the wisdom. You will get the love and acceptance you need.
You do not have to say a word till you are ready. I sat and listened and
cried for two years. I was at rock bottom, there is only one way and that
is up.
Learn self love, self care and self acceptance. Alanon is about healing the
inner you from the effects of the disease. It is a me program with your HP
holding your hand to emotional and spiritual health.
