The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think that I have been making progress with detaching, with not engaging, with not arguing, and with setting boundaries. I remember some people said that my wife would probably react negatively to this at first, and I sure am seeing that now.
I think, for the last few weeks, that I was just seeing her regular behavior for what it is (alcoholic temper tantrums, whining to get what she wants, badgering away at a topic until I give in, calling me names and raising her voice in an attempt to intimidate me, etc.) and responding differently to it.
The last few days, and especially last night and this morning she had HUGE blow-ups about me not being willing to drive her where she "needed" to go when she needed to be there (because she drove me everywhere before her DUI - whether it was convenient and helpful to me or not), about me not being compassionate, understanding, or affectionate. She even said she was "afraid" to ask me for things (like to pick her up from her best drinking buddy's house. They aren't going to be drinking together anymore, she says.) She went on and on abut how we are married, and supposed to be in a partnership, and I am really failing at being a partner. I am not compromising, and I am not caring about how what I say and do makes her feel at all. I am being selfish, and she doesn't like me right now. She expects me to put her first, because she puts me first. (umhum, right. First, right after the booze and the drinking buddies, the random people at the bar that she is having a "great" conversation with, and the computer games...) She noticed that it has been two months now since I asked her to proof my monthly newsletter for me (true, after asking her to help me with that because marketing at work was missing a ton of typos, and then her not doing it and me missing my send deadline a couple times, I gave her a newsletter and sent it on time without her feedback. Then, I stopped asking her and relied on marketing alone.) She also noticed that it has been several weeks since she asked me to give her a copy of my thesis to proof, and I still haven't given it to her.
I was feeling pretty bad about this: what if I am being too harsh, and cold, and, and, and....
But then, as I write this and reflect on the situation, I am sure that I am acting in the best way I can, given the situation, and that, while she sees my actions as a reaction to her accident and DUI, the DUI was just the thing that finally caused me to seek help and deal with her alcoholism and the impact it has had on my life for far too long. So, maybe I am wrong, and maybe I am being too hard and unfeeling toward her, but if I am, I am ok with that, because I have to put myself and my health and well-being first. If that means that I am not being a good partner, so be it. I prefer to think that I am no longer enabling her drinking or her dry drunk behavior, that I am learning to stand up for myself again, and that I am finding worth in myself and my opinions again.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Great post skorpi. This happens to all of us i think. Its inevitable really. I was a doormat for so long that when i stopped being one the drinkers in my life upped their game a bit. I was uncaring and cold and horrible too!!!!! The truth was i was shifting the power the as had in my life. I was claiming it back. I had given it away and now i was finished giving it away. In my experience the message sinks in pretty quickly as long as we are consistent. Every step i took i tried to think think think, do i want to? Is it good for me? Will it harm another? Enabling the drinker by helping the drinking continue is harmful to everyone so the changes that are occuring in your relationship is the kindest course of action you can take and most loving. She may come to see that or not, either way the right thing is the right thing regardless how the drinker feels about it.
Great awareness and acceptance Skorpi. We must first learn how to love ourselves before we can love others. You are taking care of yourself and that is extremely important.
Your wife must learn how to take care of herself and develop new interests instead of always latching on to your projects and trying to show how she can help and is needed. You do not need her help. You are capable to compete your tasks and she must find, within herself, what her deep drives are and follow her dreams. It is hard but by your working your program she will have to do just that
Keep On Keeping on You are doing well
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
